When can i ever feel that i matter?

Most of the day i slept

Or just in bed

Not minding the world 

Who doesn't seems to care

About me.

I drench my free time

On watching a world 

That doesn't exist,

A mere fantasy.

Well, atleast there

I can dream 

A good reality 

But still it isn't real.

I faced my everyday 

With a smile

Looking real enough 

To hide

All the confusion 

Behind all those

Facade i tried to cover up.

It didn't matter 

Whether i have a future 

To look up too

As long as i keep walking

Despite the dust and smug 

That blocks my way.

God has given me good things,

Yet this isn't what i want

Or atleats i thought it was...

Perhaps i made a wrong turn

A safer path.

Never having to risk

Many things.

A safe choice

For the good of

Everyone's expectations.

I mope around 

as my sadness flows..

Through my words

I spit them out.

When can i feel that i am

Important to someone,

When can i ever feel

That i

Matter...

?

Author's Note

Its been awhile that i wrote something up, or quite this long. I was being content to the tidbits of my life i shared. Many had happened, i lost my dad last may 2016, i got to go home. Take care of things, spends some time with my sisters - the only treasure i can say i can still hold on into but it was too short, i got to tell them my struggle, that i dunno if they totally understand. I guess its my problem alone. Life is pretty damn confusing, i dunno what to do or what i really want. I guess i stop listening to my heart long ago and listen more to my brain...

I dunno why i still write like this, even though i know pretty well my problem is... i was the bird in a cage who never got to fly freely, too domesticated to even fly away on its own.

Reviews

[gabrielle]

Very emotional piece, pax. It was said that the meaning of life is find your gift and the purpose of life is to give it away. Do not despair. Perhaps, you are still in the process of dicovering your gift.There are some typo errors but it didn't lessen the depth of emotion.

[Dhaye]

I agree. :)

[Pax]

Thank you pretty friend, & Gab... nahawa na segoro ako kay gab... tinatago na sa baul yung mga writings ko, halos kasi lahat unfinished or di ko matapus tapus, or nahihirapan na ako mag sulat di gaya ng dati...

Hope one day, i can let go of this fear... one day i hope i got to tell you my fears... one day, i wish i could say, i lived my life greatly in full, no hesitation or inhibition or fear i might choose wrongly...

right, now i could say, its hard being alone... thanks again, my friends, i have missed you all...

[Dhaye]

Let's all get back to writing. Lol. I often have self-pity, too. I mostly over-think when I do not write. At least in writing, you can be creative even in sadness...

[gabrielle]

Magpokemon go na lang. Hihihi

[Pax]

haha, i often wanted to try that, pero wala yan dito eh.. hehe

[Dhaye]

Addict ka na rin doon? Ma-try nga. Lol

[Pax]

well, always been a pokemon fan, kaya, lol... buti diyan meron eh dito wala pa... conflicted ang mga tao dito about sa game na yan..hehe

[gabrielle]

Lol. Deleted na. Kailangan ng data eh.

[gabrielle]

Fan girl kasi ako dati ng pokemon, doraemon before.. lol

[Pax]

haha, this makes me smile, my friends... hay... nakakatuwa mag reminisce ng past hilig natin noh...

[Sami Khalil]

Acceptance and worthiness is desired much but hardly found or given. Expectations are so manufactured to suit many opinions. We can and should make small or large choices that can affect our destiny but such as that is hard and have to be domesticated to our self and conditions. You write, dear brother, with calm effect and strong emotions. Keep sharing...:)................

[Dhaye]

Going back here...
Hope you are okay, Pax. Please don't stop writing. You know how writing helped us during our hard times. You need to write and express your thoughs to help yourself.
Do not think you don't matter to anyone. You matter to many people. You matter to your family and friends. Every person has his/her own ways of showing care and sometimes it is not what we expect..that's why we are hurt.

Get back to writing lyrics. One day, they will turn into perfect music.

[MOON]

You are not alone , all of us are trapped sometimes by circumstances. My only consolation is that perhaps this is the lesson we need to learn , perhaps. All of us walk the safe path, to our detriment , I think...much love , descriptive emotional and hearfelt write.

[Weeping willow]

Emotional write my friend,as I often feel these pains and understand your words so completely. I too have been trying to change,but just when I think I have some new insight,sorrow drops by again to say hello. I am sorry to hear of the loss of your Father,it's difficult when love ones leave and sometimes we carry the loss of them with us for a very long time. Take each day a step at a time and leave your feelings with God as he understands your emotions;-]

[Baby Ricochet]

Great existential angst poem pax. You drive the point home well.

[Corset]

so many of us feel like this today, we walk around doing what is expected of us and rarely what we want to do...i'm glad you are writing, never stop.