When can i ever feel that i matter?

Most of the day i slept

Or just in bed

Not minding the world 

Who doesn't seems to care

About me.

I drench my free time

On watching a world 

That doesn't exist,

A mere fantasy.

Well, atleast there

I can dream 

A good reality 

But still it isn't real.

I faced my everyday 

With a smile

Looking real enough 

To hide

All the confusion 

Behind all those

Facade i tried to cover up.

It didn't matter 

Whether i have a future 

To look up too

As long as i keep walking

Despite the dust and smug 

That blocks my way.

God has given me good things,

Yet this isn't what i want

Or atleats i thought it was...

Perhaps i made a wrong turn

A safer path.

Never having to risk

Many things.

A safe choice

For the good of

Everyone's expectations.

I mope around 

as my sadness flows..

Through my words

I spit them out.

When can i feel that i am

Important to someone,

When can i ever feel

That i

Matter...

?

Author's Note

Its been awhile that i wrote something up, or quite this long. I was being content to the tidbits of my life i shared. Many had happened, i lost my dad last may 2016, i got to go home. Take care of things, spends some time with my sisters - the only treasure i can say i can still hold on into but it was too short, i got to tell them my struggle, that i dunno if they totally understand. I guess its my problem alone. Life is pretty damn confusing, i dunno what to do or what i really want. I guess i stop listening to my heart long ago and listen more to my brain...

I dunno why i still write like this, even though i know pretty well my problem is... i was the bird in a cage who never got to fly freely, too domesticated to even fly away on its own.

Reviews

[gabrielle]

Very emotional piece, pax. It was said that the meaning of life is find your gift and the purpose of life is to give it away. Do not despair. Perhaps, you are still in the process of dicovering your gift.There are some typo errors but it didn't lessen the depth of emotion.

[Dhaye]

I agree. :)

[Pax]

Thank you pretty friend, & Gab... nahawa na segoro ako kay gab... tinatago na sa baul yung mga writings ko, halos kasi lahat unfinished or di ko matapus tapus, or nahihirapan na ako mag sulat di gaya ng dati...

Hope one day, i can let go of this fear... one day i hope i got to tell you my fears... one day, i wish i could say, i lived my life greatly in full, no hesitation or inhibition or fear i might choose wrongly...

right, now i could say, its hard being alone... thanks again, my friends, i have missed you all...

[Dhaye]

Let's all get back to writing. Lol. I often have self-pity, too. I mostly over-think when I do not write. At least in writing, you can be creative even in sadness...

[gabrielle]

Magpokemon go na lang. Hihihi

[Pax]

haha, i often wanted to try that, pero wala yan dito eh.. hehe

[Dhaye]

Addict ka na rin doon? Ma-try nga. Lol

[Pax]

well, always been a pokemon fan, kaya, lol... buti diyan meron eh dito wala pa... conflicted ang mga tao dito about sa game na yan..hehe

[gabrielle]

Lol. Deleted na. Kailangan ng data eh.

[gabrielle]

Fan girl kasi ako dati ng pokemon, doraemon before.. lol

[Pax]

haha, this makes me smile, my friends... hay... nakakatuwa mag reminisce ng past hilig natin noh...

[Carolyn Falls]

I love the flow and tempo. It tells an emotional story we can all identify with at some point in our lives. You matter.

[Priscilla Sayers]

YOU matter....
Making those wrong turns teach us where NOT to go... Turn the other way, find another path, risk being out there in the world, and I promise my friend, you will see that YOU matter. Shine your light upon us and dazzle the world with PAX!

[Everett DeValle]

That's the emotions you feel...depression gets the best of us...you need days like this to reflect and see where you can do better...what can you do in your control, to change a situation...and take the necessary steps to reach that goal...a wonderful emotive piece, Pax.

[Pax]

This one of those piece, that truly reflects my life....so thank you, my friend....

[Everett DeValle]

You are very welcome, Pax.

[Jimmy Yetts]

You matter, Pax, to God and yourself--as well as the many people who eagerly read your poetry.
Carry on, soldier, you have many victories yet to win!

[Pax]

I hope so too, poet friend... :) thank you...

[Ruth]

I am sorry to hear about your loss Pax. That is the key - to keep walking or turning corners as I say because one day the sad flow turns into acceptance and clicks into place and we face the light again...nice to read you today Pax :)

[Pax]

Thanks, my friend...

[SleeplessVolcano]

Deep thoughts brother....sometimes we put our dreams out there...so high...so much we want to be, and achieve...but all we really need, is to know that we matter to someone.

Great write my friend

[Pax]

"sometimes we put our dreams out there...so high...so much we want to be, and achieve...but all we really need, is to know that we matter to someone"

- that really strikes a chord my friend, it tugs my heart strings... as so this piece to me... a hug thank you for understanding, my friend.

[Wondering Mind]

You matter and the bird will fly. Passionate write Pax.

[The dark story]

This just moved my heart. The title itself echoed the shrieks within me screaming in silence. The words speaking my own emotions, feelings and thoughts which keeps ravaging me with time.
I felt a sense of relief to read it- because I felt somehow, those eating thoughts have got out of me.
I feel you are a lot stronger and I need to learn some courage from you. Thanks a lot. Take care

[Michael X]

woh, what a saga! Heartfelt work Pax! Written using your passionate form that you do so well!

[Coyote Poetry]

Safe choices and no taking chances life. Leave us wishing for more adventure and laughter.
"Many things.
A safe choice
For the good of
Everyone's expectations."
Many follow the above lines. Better to test life and have some fun. Thank you my friend for sharing your amazing poetry.
Coyote