ashen smog

loneliness has defined
this old soul.
Bittersweet melody
has tuned my way of 
living.

I don't know how much 
my heart could stand
the weight and wait
for that simple moment,
that single spark
to feel alive
and stop breathing
the ashen smog of reality.

Author's Note

Credits to the photo: smog-free-project-6

"from ashen gray to ashen fields
comes, ashen smog...

do they care if I'm loved?

perhaps I'm too comfortable on my
own space and too confined to be bothered."

thank you for reading,
me...

someday, when i know i've done right
and okay, I'll compile this into a book called:
ashen...

Reviews

[Shimmerbliss/CAF]

As your note mentions, I hope you do indeed do a book about your journey. I recall you were one of my first friends here and it has been amazing to read your heart and have insight into your struggles.
Reality...now there's a word...concept...conundrum. I've heard it said that perception is reality...I am not even sure I understand that! With a heart as gentle and perceptive as yours, it would be difficult for you to live in denial of what is. Perhaps, as some say, we must just adjust our way of viewing our reality and all will be well. That is difficult when the wounds of the past are reopened time and time again and life and loves disappoint us...even worse when we disappoint ourselves.
"the weight and wait
for that simple moment,
that single spark
to feel alive" - I love how you use "weight" and "wait" here...it is a weight sometimes, perhaps always...the weight of waiting...wonderfully expressed!
I am just rambling on here as you have touched off some swirling of thoughts about life, loneliness, sadness, and hope for something that "sparks" into action. This is so good. I hope you know I always wish you well, and hope the smog will clear soon...very soon.

[Pax]

Dear Friend,

I'm always amaze on how you see my heat within the piece... you may call it ramblings but to me they are treasure to understand myself better... I do hope I'll be able to compile them, they're so few right now... i don't write often as i do before... still i cherish them, because they are my journey, my understanding about my life, and my wishes, hoping that someday, I'll achieved something, or finally finding my sparks...

thanks, always...
ever grateful,
to you...

@Pax

[Pax]

ps. love the new pic, you eyes shines beautifully...

[Shimmerbliss/CAF]

I believe you will find what you seek. Best always, my friend!

[highonwords]

sounds like a burnout that led to depression - with longing for the sun to shine again and breathe that new hope

steph

[Pax]

it is,Thank you, Kabayan... glad you understand the feeling...

[highonwords]

you're welcome, my friend

steph

[Carolynn]

Loneliness is a very difficult emotion to live with and to try to overcome. But I believe it's all in the ability to retune yourself so happiness can create a new melody. I feel the struggle and the sadness that resonates like musical vibrations in this writing Pax - you portray it vividly here.

[Pax]

thank you, my friend... it is a recurring feeling i need to surpass, someday...i'll fine a tune that fits...

[John]

heart felt words..a phrase like weigh and wait is perfectly judged.

[Pax]

Thank you, Sir... I really appreciate your feedback...

[Jon Roggie]

Reality has a bit of a stench,
and we can only try to cleanse the air.

I want to see where you go with this.

[Pax]

Thank you.... its been awhile, the feeling is still the same... the stench in the air is much harder to cleanse as time goes by... I really appreciate this, Jon, its been awhile... hope your doing good. :)

[gabrielle]

I do agree with dhaye.. Happiness comes from appreciation and contentment. Also, the more we delve or analyze loneliness the more that we feel unloved. But then again, life is not only a journey it is also a process of discovering and understanding what works best for us...

[Pax]

Hi Gab...
i guess, its been long, pabalik balik kasi yung feeling... and you're right, im still discovering and understand what works best as of the moment... thank you Gab.....

[Relic]

Some people are alone even when they are with someone. Elderly people feel more alone than anyone being they are so close to death and their husband or wife has passed away. It is a horrible feeling. I know it well. Your words convey that.

[Pax]

thank you, my friend...I so understand that, even when i with a company of friends, still i feel so alone... Im glad we have mutual feelings about this one...

[...]

Pax, this is written in a way that touches, deeply. I pray for you that moment when life takes your breath away, my friend. I so understand this longing of dying to live. Amazing :)

[Pax]

Thank you, my friend... the longing doesn't fade if i can't find that spark, hoping for that someday....

[jacob erin-cilberto]

praying for that moment when life just takes our breath away...but we wait and wait ...really like the "weight and wait for that simple moment"
and the irony of feeling alive to stop breathing----

maybe some have found life in death---shaking off this mortal coil...to become one with nature...nature is so alive...
really got immersed in this write, Pax...

well done.

j.

[Pax]

thanks, my friend...
you understand the feeling so well...