open love song

 

 

 

I trust that you're asleep.

I am just wondering if it was worth it.

You by my side seems just a dream.

Uncertain of what just happened.

I am never this kind of person.

But in one kiss you shattered all my defenses.

I’ve loved you for far too long, that I have accepted my fate to be forever doomed.

Then you came along with an open love song.

Connecting me to your melody.

I never expect you would see me as me, the woman of a man’s dream

Not a man’s best friend, like a dog on a leash that holds me forever bound by loyalty, only.

Author's Note

photo credits to:
curlytops

Reviews

[Dhaye]

I love all the lines here except that last line that supposedly the best and most captivating but for me you failed in that aspect. Should I say that line you said to me when you laughed at my line in my chapter? LOL
It's like that you are presenting a drama from the start only to find that it was a "comedy". Why should you mention dog in the final line? It destroys the general effect of the poem.
"Not a man’s best friend, like a dog on a leash that holds me forever bound by loyalty, only."

"on a leash but holds me forever...?
As for me, make it the final and the most captivating line which is about the girl herself, with an incomparable value to the man.

Good concept though. I like knowing here how the woman wonders about their relationship.

[Brittany Zedalis]

The amount of talent you have for writing is simply astounding. Amazing job. ^-^

[Pax]

thank you very much brittany...

[Shep]

You confuse me with wonderment and of your words of passion that leave me breathless.

[Pax]

Dear brother, I'm so enjoying these romantic series of you lol, really!

It's another side of you to discover, and I'm totally in awe....
you write so beautiful.

"connecting me to your melody,--- I loved that line"
just so perfectly selfless, and rich and full of love, and meaning,
Thank you for letting me peek into this (seems to me a new world of yours).

- Elisa
P.s I'm reading on... and come by soon for more!

[Pax]

smiles, my morning now has full of smiles - thank you so much big sis... hugs!
This romantic sides of me is a good escape... I'll be coming by to you too...

Oh no rush lovely! I'm here forever, I decided that ;) just kidding... you know my heart.... I"m so ever happy you are smiling! then I'm too! :) xo

[Gypsy Warrior Queen]

These are a very new and interesting side to you! The love story here feels so honest and for real. I am intrigued by all the emotions that are running through these chapters. I am not always able to review each but know that I am reading and hope you continue:) I wish you many blessings for this month of bounty and Thanksgiving.

[Pax]

I wish many blessing to you too my dear dear friend. Thank you so much!

[SHEEMA HUQ]

I enjoyed the rhythmic sway of this piece which is beautifully expressed.

[Pax]

Thank you my friend.

[Caradoc]

Another good piece from you, my friend. I think I recall you had a collection of short prose poems telling a story of a young couple that started out as friends and then graduated to something more. That seems to be a theme you enjoy writing about.

I really like the title and the fact that you dropped it into the poem itself. Awesome move. It was one of the better lines in the piece, in my opinion.

I would like to point out a few errors, if you don't mind. They're mostly things that everyone does from time to time.

First line, it should be "you're". The "your" you used denotes ownership of something.
Sixth line, "kissed" should be "kiss".
Seventh line; put a "d" at the end of "love, and, if I read correctly, it should be "doomed".
Tenth line; it should be "expected", and I think there should be a comma between "me" and "the", as I feel the narrator is pausing at that point.
Last line, "on" instead of "in".

Again, those are merely suggestions. You may take or leave them as you will.

Overall I thought this piece was sweet and romantic. It was also kind of sad, as the narrator was almost...in despair at the thought of never being more than friends with the object of their affection.

Well done, Pax.

-Cara

[Pax]

you know me so well my friend, I am indeed enjoying that concept of friendship.... and ahh, you remember that book of mine... the concept is the same but the poetic person says a different ending...'open love song' ~ i just love the title, I am so ever grateful with this help and review... I have learned a lot that I tend to forget the tenses issues I always have, or Im totally blind on it.. and the love of friendship with the benifits part.. so, so thankful!

[Caradoc]

Lol. Friends with benefits...I don't know how many would say no to that. But I think, unless ended prematurely, there comes a time when even that becomes more.

Glad I could help, my friend. Now I will have to track down that other book, as I recall I did not finish it.

[Pax]

haha. remembering the movie makes me laugh...
the future is alwas open, we never know..
read morehaha. remembering the movie makes me laugh...
the future is alwas open, we never know..
thank you again...

oh, the first book is already done, but it left a cliffhanger, the next book is still on progress... and right now I don't have anything written, all is still inside this head of mine, keeping the plot at bay, holding it so that I'll not lose it... in your chapters do you do that? or any other motivation can you advice me?

[gabrielle]

aha! in love with a friend ang theme. i remembered a song and here's the excerpt:

"I've known you for so long
You are a friend of mine
But is this all we'd ever be?
I've loved you ever since
You are a friend of mine
And babe is this all we ever could be?"

...mmm. but they kissed...Friends with Benefits, i guess.

[Pax]

that's one of my favorite concept I always love to play and twist with.... oh that song, I always remember that... thanks Gab...

[Extant]

[Bittersweet?]
I just don't think that's the right word, it's more like you're coming out of a long darkness into the sun. Really beautiful, Pax, even if it is a love poem. *Smile*

[Pax]

oh, a new avatar... very nice.. thanks my friend...
almost bittersweet... because of the ending that makes it open to many possibilities...

[Extant]

I thought it was time for a change. Indeed, open ended ending.