Candles of Shame

~ Picture Prompt-Semi fiction, little fragments of my introspection…

 

 

 

 

~ Candles of Shame ~

 

I cry because I needed to be

to release something in me.

Every tear brings moist to my dried lands.

For I, a mere man

seems so damage, yet so normal

or perhaps just fragile, easily breakable

and sometimes emotionally unstable.

 

You laugh because it’s fun,

Looking on a dreaded face

saying such a waste

then disregarded for my bitter taste.

 

I smiled an emptied smile

I laughed a pretend laugh

That’s my response to your jokes

As if it didn’t hurt

For I don’t want to upset you with my unpleasant retort

 

In time I learned to tolerate the vicious screams of my thoughts

Then mold them into candles

Hold them near, embracing it as part of my soul

And burn each shameful experienced into smokes

Now wrap with melted wax

Relax in this shell I created

a prisoner of my own doing

It’s ok, I am fine

I am strong enough to accept

enough will to intercept

the flooding negativity

with my passive cry for unity

and through my spacious heart,

 

the pain is bearable.

Author's Note

photography by : ezorenier
pyros
luminiscencia

When I wrote this, i remember this lines I made last month and did not published it
here is the exerpt:

I am the next person behind you, easily noticeable & can be subjective to many jokes
But you know what; think of what you must, I ignore people who disrespect my being.
Some jokes have some boundaries that identify either it is funny or just plain insulting.
I am easily likeable, yet I am not always your play thing.

I also remember the poem last time I became a joke

It seems like being funny or acting lively, seems to have its consequences... yet I still dare to act one myself... by pretending so, the feeling rubs on my being, often times I lie to myself, to believed that it's still a happy world, despite everything else...

Reviews

[ANCIENTRUNAWAY]

My dear, this craft is beautiful and profound to your feelings and mind. I assume every littl'un has felt this way...I know I have...making fun of ourselves or even others to make us feel good yet in the end we feel like s**t after reprocessing what we have done; questioning ourselves and our moralities. As a teen, I had a very idealistic view to be quite honest until I finally opened my eyes to the real world yet I do continue to smile for my accomplishments such as writing and having a family if my own!

Keep Calm and Carry On

[Dhaye]

Ah, I have to do this since I am already here. Lakasan lang ng loob yan, 'ika nga. LOL.

You know, like what Gab said, we had an issue before. You know, my friend...until now, that PM from you is still there and sometimes I read it just to remind myself that I should be careful each moment in dealing with the persons here...because we really don't know each other...and we don't know the strengths and weaknesses of each one.

Sabi ko sa iyo,I have already made a review and that's longer tapos I decided to transfer it into PM kasi emotional review talaga...then natakot na naman ako baka may masabi akong mali. But here I am now...

This piece is very moving for me. The images used talk so much about the concept. I admire how you put them into words.

This is an exceptional piece, my friend. Keep going!


Ayan, wala na akong utang ha? Bayad na si Manang. Hehe. :)

[Pax]

no problemo my friend, hehe, thank you very much pretty friend :)

[Dhaye]

You're welcome, my friend.

[gabrielle]

dearest pax,
i remember that we had an "issue" before about"sensitivity to one's feelings." if you could truly be honest with other of what you feel (just like how you were honest with me) perhaps it could minimize the feelings of pain. but then again, most of the time it is easier to be honest with faceless individuals or people we get to know over e-forums such as this than those people we deal with in our own respective real worlds.

the picture you presented is eerie but i am glad that you use of wax (or melted candle) as a representation of the facade that you wear. To me, that means that there will come a time that such shield shall likewise melt to free you from all pretensions.

[Pax]

smiles, I wish I could have that courageous heart of yours, dearest Gab... I feel like I am a coward my friend, many times... Takot makasakit, at Takot masakatan... I am honest to that ones I really like as my friend, to those acquaintances friends, not so much because we never truly know who they are, or we just know them in just short period of time that we didn't totally know how will they react in our words...

someday, those pretensions will melt, sometime very soon... your a very special friend, thank you so much for this encouragement... always grateful to you...

[gabrielle]

ayan na lumabas na naman ang trust issue ...^__^.. hey, i am courageous. don't you know that sometimes i just want to raise my middle finger to some people in my real world but i could not bring myself to do it. in our complicated world, all of us have our own pretensions, those who would say that they are honest in every aspect of their lives are bunch of hypocrites--- well, it's off topic..my mind just getting crazy---lol. just my way of saying that you are not alone kabayan. welcome =)

[gabrielle]

i am not courageous..mali naman natype ko. lol

[Pax]

akala ko you admit it, i know deep inside you are... :)
those who would say that they are honest in every aspect of their lives are bunch of hypocrites ~ well it is true, i believe so, and i also believe na, the world is full of pretentious people, but not all...in life you just learned who to trust... who are honest, who are really good to you without kaplastikan... hehe.. ok lng off the topic, its still relateable...thanks alot Gab...

[Extant]

I feel very emotionally connected to this poem, and at the same time I'm not quite sure I can fully understand it. I know what you mean about the jokes that hurt, some people don't realize what they say is demeaning, and also how we continue to be the jokers. I think everyone is too sensitive and not sensitive enough to emotions. I really do love this poem, if not for it's meaning, for it's format and linguistics. It's truly beautiful Pax, I wish you the best.

[Pax]

I wish you the best too, I hope your doing well, and still writing even in the middle of busy moments... Hope to see your writes soon... I missed reading your verses...

it talks about inner struggles, and a bit dark... the beauty of my verses is that if you can connect to it emotionally then you understand it in your heart... meaning varies in many people's brain but in the heart it spoke the same, am i right? ~smiles~ it's always nice to see you my friend, and your insight is always amazing, honored to be your friend...

[Extant]

I am well. But my writing is off and on, unfortunately.

I guess that I understand this on some unconscious level within my soul, probably one of those parts I disowned years ago. Everyone has the same emotions, so, yes I agree with you there. *Smile* I am honored to be your friend, Pax, always.

[Corset]

oh gosh that looks like hot wax torture, that poor man in the pictures, and you have described the inner torture so well here, physical scars mark us well, mental scars that mar us too not readily seen by the naked eye, but it's the emotional scars can maim us for life. This is such a strong on point write, it's only human to want to strike back, if i ever joke to much and it offends you please let me know, I would never want to do that to you ok? You'll tell me :)

[Pax]

no,no.... you are one of my close friends here in wc, you were the one who lift me up when i am down on a certain critique, encourage me.... I'll never forget that, if it wasn't for your words I would not continue writing, and even in my stories you keep pushing me when often times I felt like its really dull, or cliche... sometimes people needed a push of encouragement to strive, and you've given me that special gift, so i am always, always thankful with that...

at first the photo was really striking to me, my heart spoke of it as inner torture and this poem was made... your insight always has a straight viewpoint which hits the heart... thank you so much...

[Corset]

:) k :) speaking of chapters :P

[Pax]

should i post it...hmmm, its abit ready, i am afraid that its not that good, another cheezy moments... hmm...

[Corset]

if you feel it's ready , I enjoy cheesy sometimes, but don't rush it if you're not proud to post it :)

[Michael G. Smith]

Skillfully crafted cascade of verse like melting wax, anything that will shield us from ten harshness of the world.

[Pax]

thank you so much mr. Smith, indeed... it serves as a shield to myself... a harsh world, is all we live in... but we always do adjust/adopt to the constant changes... I am grateful with this review...

[Frieda P]

I understand this one from the pit of my being Pax, we all put on that happy facade, for fear of people not accepting our sadness and imperfection in being 'less than happy'. Before you know it, we've created our own cocoon to guard us from the assaults, I love that you used candles as your refuge, what an apt affinity...bravo my sweet friend, your strength shines through in this one, outstanding read!

[Pax]

its always amazing to hear that my friend... like how you can relate to it, that i am not alone... it makes the feelings less alone... I am grateful as I am also thankful, always my friend... always! hugs!

[Frieda P]

We tend to think we're alone in our inadequacies Pax, but truth be told, we all feel that way at one time or another, your strength comes from knowing yourself and telling your story my friend, always! xoxo

[Pax]

so true, thank you :)

[Frieda P]

Of course, my pleasure Pax :-)

[Everett DeValle]

As a Poet/Writer, we delve deep into our introspection...I really respect this from you, Pax, because your words will flow effortlessly and untethered, I your future work...you understand your pain and the comprehension of that can only make you better. Nicely done.

[Pax]

Your words my friend, it's amazing to read that you think about how my words flows... i am always on a battle to understand myself... its hard when often times i feel like i am losing, but I wont give up... coz i know there is still more to discover, uncover and realized everything in my life and the life i walk upon... I can't thank you enough with your words of encouragement...

[Everett DeValle]

I understand...I've been through it...I lived life and continue to do so...and even my jaded heart warms to such beauty...my advise...when going deep, take a breather...step back and enjoy life...go outside and enjoy your surroundings...don't get too deep because it will cause depression, seriously...learn to laugh at yourself, some times. :)

[Pax]

I hate to admit it, sometimes i isolate myself... I have been reading the signs, it's all laid out in the open... depression is almost few distance away... in this country, i can't enjoy the luxury of my surrounding... seeing the dry sands on my feet, sometimes its depressing... and i always have a fear going out alone in this country...

[Everett DeValle]

I believe you...it must be tough...with Islam as the main law there...my understanding you can't drink alcohol? It would hurt me not to have a shot of whiskey...you should network...make friends with others and meet up...me, I can go to a bar by myself and make instant friends...force yourself to do it and get out of your comfort zone...writing is only one aspect of your life. Live and write my friend. :)

[Pax]

yes, many are prohibited, aside from drinking, talking to women is a big no, no... even meeting in public, one must have a marriage licence to talk in public or walk side by side to a woman...

[Everett DeValle]

Wow! WTF...that is totally dumb...even with other Pinoys?

[Pax]

here in this part is not so strict but we must be careful, it's in their old rule... yeah, right!read morehere in this part is not so strict but we must be careful, it's in their old rule... yeah, right!
in the middle east, here specially... rules in women are very strict... and they always wear black, the traditional covering face in saudis... but in pinays, they don't cover their face... its easy to recognize our fellow filipino women that the other... my friend have said this to me, this is almost open prison to many men...

[Everett DeValle]

F'n A, it's like what your friend said...I would still network through your work...have gatherings at your place...cooking and eating always brings a family atmosphere together...It saddens me to hear kabayans that have to make living like this, yet it is all too common...man, that is too crazy to hear yet it is their social customs and mores...I don't know what I would do there, probably go to western catered hotel bars, if there are any...no night club for dancing?

[Pax]

clubs, a no, no... but i hear some rumors about secret parties.. that you have to pay to get in... women gathers there... pinoys will always be pinoys - because like the saying goes if there is a will there is a way... yet I feel like when i came here i have embrace my introvert side... perhaps because i can't afford many things in this small salary i have... and perhaps i am too lazy or too afraid to do a double job like some of my friends...

[Everett DeValle]

Wow, so deep, Pax...at least, you got to talk about...and that helps...it always interest me, to hear, kabayans over seas...have you planned to work in any other countries, such as, Italy, Britain, or Canada? Do you send remittance money back home that causes you to spend less? You can still do things with less money...just have a gathering with friends you network and make and all chip in...it could be a once a month thing...I'm sure there are others that feel the same as you do...is there places of friends you can watch TFC or GMA? Lol

What you are doing as a writer is good thing, please, don't get me wrong...but I'm sure you can manage a gathering...the process is fun...planning things out is the pleasure...and creating a family of new friends is always a joy...I know you can do it...even in an abysmal circumstances, you can find joy...then write about it. :)

[Everett DeValle]

I couldn't live and visit there...I enjoy a nice drink and the ladies too much...I might get arrested there lol jk ;)

[Pax]

Yeah, I do send money, I have to... we just lost our house from fire last year, we are back to zero now... for us, our family just earn enough money for us to eat and pay the bills, we don't have enough money to pay the high requirements of Canada, Italy or Britain.... the middle east countries and other Asian countries are the easiest to go to because its less placement fee...

actually we don't have tv in our camp, and to add up the tfc is another payment... so i am all good with the internet...

i do missed a company of ladies... hehe... but in your case if ever your here there are many ways... lol ;)

[Everett DeValle]

Wow, deep, Pax...I figured you did...I'm glad you are sharing your story...you should write a story about, it would spark interest...it interested me because I see it on the Filipino news...I wouldn't travel that part of the world...it doesn't interest me...my mind is on an island lol...everything you told me is nice to know...just talking about it makes you feel better...hey, cook adobo and share it...but I do pray that you make it back to Pinas, some time soon my friend.

Ha ha ha...I rather go to the PI for the ladies. The chika boom lol ;)

Be well my friend...don't forget to smile and laugh...does anyone remember laughter? Lol sorry led zeppelin pun. :)

[Pax]

smiling, I am already smiling with your words my friend... it's always to so nice to hear that... I like adobo to, I just cooked adobo yesterday... and it sucks, too sour...lol, I must had put too many vinegar...lol... that's me sometimes in cooking... hehe

maybe in time I could write about it, but now, poetry seems to be a good release, its my deepest thoughts that hides something....

[Everett DeValle]

Lol Pax...I Love Adobo...my favorite is sinigang...the sour the better...more tamirind lol...I do you want to see you happy my friend...it's good to delve into to your artistic side but one can get deep and some times, it takes a friend to pull em out for a breather. ;)

Well, we all come to express and release emotions that we individually purge...write on my friend. :)

[Gypsy Warrior Queen]

I think that you possess a true and never yielding empathic force. How strong you are ...though through human eyes seem weak....Lighting each candle with purpose...wearing each sin in ornamental wax armor, each watery breath in fish bowl helmet. Accepting that we are all bound together...no one better than the next. A crown and cross to bare...willing...accepted fate...you are the deer in the headlights that I wrote about just this morning before coming here & reading your emotionally evolving masterpiece.

[Pax]

wow, you always see something so deep that I always try to hide my friend, I am amaze by your words: "lighting each candle with purpose...wearing each sin in ornamental wax armor, each watery breath in fish bowl helmet."... thank you so much... more, and more thank you...