Red Spider Web

I remember sitting in the backseat while my mother drove. We were coming home from vacation, I think I was eight. The sun was low and the clouds were pink and orange. The drive was quiet and the air was cold, I could feel it when I pressed my hand against the backseat window. Every time we had to stop so I could pee I would hear my mom swear and curse. "I'm not mad at you", she would say. "Just this damn cold. It's March for Christ sakes!" She would take me inside, and as we walked through the glass door into the warmth I saw a man behind the counter who looked like he wanted to swear too. My mom waited outside the bathroom door as I did my business. I screamed through the door that I wanted ice cream and never got a response. I met her at the counter where she set down a champ cone on the counter and told the man which pack of smokes she wanted. As I walked to the door I turned around to show the man my ice cream- he wasn't as excited as I was. All he said was, "Kid, you're gonna catch a cold." I took a bite, smiled, and said, "No I won't, me and the cold are friends!"

Back in the car my mom pumped the gas pedal saying, "God, if we make it home I swear I'll go to church." She turned the keys, pumped the gas, and I heard the sputter of the engine.

On the highway, we drove by huge signs with the faces of many smiling strangers. In big letters above them the signs would say things like, "Right now... YOU could be in JAMAICA." There was a woman wearing a bright pink swimming suit leaning against the railing of a huge ship looking out into the ocean. She seemed very happy to be where she was- just like I was. Other signs would say things like, "The end could come tomorrow. Are you prepared?" On this sign a woman was laying her head on the chest of an old man who had his eyes closed. The woman looked very sad, but the man looked happy. He seemed to like where he was, even though the woman didn't. Another sign came into view, but this one didn't have a picture. It read, "Come meet your Savior this Easter at..." Right then I heard my mother scream and I turned away from the sign to see a pair of beady eyes accompanied by ferocious horns running in front of our car.

We screeched to a stop. I could smell the sweetness of the evergreen trees that lined the empty road, and as the scent lingered the harsh smell of burning tires crept into my nostrils. I opened my eyes and noticed a large hole in the windshield. Tiny pieces of glass were everywhere. They decorated mom's black winter coat to make her look like one of the actresses from the black and white movies she watches late at night. I watched as the tiny diamonds fell to the floor as she reached her hand up and put in through the hole in the windshield. A stream of blood was running down her hand. I watched it flow between her slender fingers and disappear as it met the sleeve of her coat. She turned back to look at me, I didn't see any pain in her eyes- I didn't see anything. "Mom, are you bleeding?" I asked. She continued to look at me for a long time. I heard a sound much like the sound of a dripping faucet. She turned back and examined her hands. Blood was dripping off her wrist onto the dashboard. It blended into the sun-burnt maroon leather riddled with the tiny diamonds. It didn't look like something I had seen before like the actress, it was something new. I wondered if I would see this another time and remember this moment spent with my mother �" I could look back on it like the color is all black and white. "No." I heard my mother say as she flung open the car door. I could hear the crunching sound of metal pushing against metal. She stepped out into the cold, which was now pouring into the car through the hole in the windshield. She raised her hand to block out the last of the sun's rays and looked down the road behind us, then turned to look down the road in front of us.

Mom's eyes met mine briefly as she walked to the front of the car. She stopped right where the hole in the windshield was. She watched it for a while. I didn't understand why she wasn't cursing and swearing. It's getting colder and she doesn't have anywhere to hide from it now. She leaned forward to reach through the hole again, like she didn't believe it was really there. Just like how she didn't want me to believe that the blood was there. Only this time when a drop fell from her wrist it landed in one of the many long cracks in the windshield and rode it like a wave to meet the cold metal of the car. It was a red spider web that seemed to do just enough to exist, but was distorted in a way that made me believe that maybe it really wasn't there. My mom pulled her hand out from the hole and lifted it to her eyes to block out the sun that was now sinking way below the tree line. I turned around hoping to see a car, but lying on the ground a close distance back was the beast. The thing that punched the hole to let the cold in- that made an opening in my mother so she could feel it in her bones.

I opened the door and climbed out into the cold. I could still smell the sweet scent of the trees, only now the cold air hid the smell of the burning tires. The shadows from the trees seemed to stretch out on the pavement for miles, which made the road feel a little less lonely. I started walking back where the beast was sprawled out. It legs were still moving, trying to get back on its feet and prance away into the forest. As I got closer I could begin to make out its yellow eyes and golden coat, which was now stained with dark blotches of color, covering mostly its neck and chest. I turned back to look at my mother, who was watching me now. She met my stare and started heading my way. I turned to the beast and walked until it was right at my feet. One of its horns was missing, I looked around the perimeter of its laid out body but couldn't find it. As my mom got closer I could hear her cursing, swearing, and saying more things I didn't understand. I examined the beast. It looked different than I remembered. The image of its ferocious horns and bright yellow eyes was still fresh in my mind, but when I look down in its eyes now they're not shimmering bright and fully alive- they look a dull brown now, hardly moving. My mom stopped walking when she got to my side. I looked up at her - her eyes seemed to have a little brown in them too. She pulled the smokes out from her pocket, took one out and placed it between her lips. I watched her stained red hands light the cigarette. She tilted her head back and let out a steady stream of silver smoke. I thought I saw a speck of red in that too, but it was blended into the air before I could ask. Her fingers pressed tightly against the cigarette, making the blood shine bright against the white paper. A drop of it fell from the tip of her finger as she lifted the cigarette to her lips and landed between two of the dark spots in the beast's fur. I watched as it slowly turned into the same blackness that was replacing the gold fur the beast once had.
"Mom, are you bleeding?"
She didn't take her eyes off of the mangled creature.
"I think so."
I could really see the brown in her eyes now. They seemed quiet, almost content, as she examined the beast.
"Mom, your face looks like the beast's face."
She pulled the cigarette out from her lips and let out a cloud of smoke.
"That's because we were both let down."
She sucked on the cigarette and tossed it beside her, letting the smoke slowly seep out between her lips. The smell got picked up by the wind and found a home inside my lungs. It tasted how the pavement looked, dirty and ignored. I wished it gone, but it wouldn't leave and caused a pain in my side. Now I really wished I was the woman on the sign leaning on the railing of a huge ship sailing on the warm ocean.
"I'm cold, mom."
"I think you didn't get cold because you were friends with it?"
"Well, I've never spent this much time with it before, and now I think I hate it."
She looked down at me and smiled a little.
"You'll learn that as you get older that will be true about everything in your life."
I didn't really like thinking that. The world was very quiet and I could hear the wind blow through the trees- making its way to the open field hidden behind them, and surging through the oasis of calm, warm air. I looked down the road in front of us and didn't see anyone for miles; I only saw the blackness of the pavement collide with the purple horizon. Suddenly I didn't want to be the woman on the huge ship anymore- I wanted to be the man lying on the bed while that woman rested her head on my chest. I liked that idea because he was happy, even though the woman was crying. He didn't seem to care where he was, or where he was going, I think he just enjoyed the company.