A Confession Of Sorts

A reflection of my not-so-happy past

**Please note that this is not intended to hurt the people involved. This is just something I wrote a while back. I guess a confession of sorts. If you don’t like it or you are sick of hearing about it, no one is forcing you to read this, so please do not leave nasty comments. They will be removed. And there honestly is no reason for you to be rude. You can simply hit the back button. To those involved, I have not (and will not) mention you by name. This is not meant to attack or hurt anyone. This is just something I wrote to get it all out of my system.

There were a lot of things that made me cut…and I’m reminded of the pain every single day. Some days it’s worse than others. The worst days are when it starts hurting again because I clipped something. It brings up all those damn memories again, and then it brings back the memory of the sweet release...that I’m not allowed to have.

You haven’t got a clue what its like, sitting there, wanting to feel something apart from the nothingness; craving pain so badly because you know it will make all the sadness you feel go away for a while and knowing you can’t have it.

Or what its like to cut and while feeling relief, also being scared to death that you cant control this - that maybe its controlling you instead. The fear of when just once won’t be enough, and knowing that no one really cares enough to get you help, even though you’re silently screaming for them to save you.

The worst feeling by far is when you give in, and knowing that you have betrayed the one person who cared enough to stop you. Knowing that you failed because you gave in to the one thing you promised you wouldn’t do. Being ashamed that you couldn’t handle what life threw your way. Yet enjoying the moment of relief. Taking solace in the pain because its what you know and what you have come to rely on to help you through difficult times.

You don’t know what it’s like, wanting to stop something, yet knowing that there will come a time when you start it again, knowing that even though you stop, you never truly beat this thing. That at any moment, something can cause you to slip, and you’ll be right back to where you started.

The feeling that things are so hopeless that death seems like the best solution… It’s terrifying, to say the least.

And not to mention annoying that you have to keep the scars covered because you don’t want to be judged by adults. Because you don’t want your family to know that you sunk so low. How annoying it is, the knowledge of how easy it is to fool almost everyone; how simple it is to make them think everything is fine, even when you’re shattering inside. But at the same time, how annoying it is, that you’re so convincing that no one can see through you and help you, because no one bothers to look close enough to see the hollow dead look in your eyes.

No one noticed when I was suffering, not even you, and those who did notice never said anything to you. You never bothered to look closely at me because you were too busy looking at her.

It still bothers me, even now. If I had been smart, I would have left you the day you told me you liked her. Maybe then I wouldn’t carry this scar.
Maybe then I wouldn’t carry this pain, all these memories of the hell you put me through, of the damage that I’m struggling to undo, and finding that the deeper I dig, the more pain I find, and knowing that you didn’t really see what you were doing to me because your attentions were focused elsewhere. Maybe I wouldn’t have to deal with all that if I’d mustered up the courage to leave.


You’ve apologized to me more times than I can count. You always said you were sorry, but the next day you’d act like you’d never said a thing.

Think for a moment about how that makes me feel. And about how much that apology means to me now.

It almost makes me hate you, and I don’t want that, because even though you messed me up impossibly horribly, I can still see some good in you. Maybe if you unwrapped yourself from your self-pity, you could see there is a little good left in you.

I don’t want to hear you saying you’re lonely. You’re lonely because u fucked up and I found something better.

I found someone who doesn’t complain when I said I have a life; who doesn’t call me stupid all the time; who takes interest in what I have to say. Someone who makes me feel pretty and worthwhile even when you told me you hated what I was wearing or how I looked that day like you so often did.

A person who gives me the intimacy I needed from you. Who makes me smile like I haven’t in almost a year. Who makes me cry with just a few words, and not tears of sorrow or pain, but of happiness.  Who doesn’t make me feel insecure. Who takes the time to touch me like I want to be touched and doesn’t complain when I ask for something more.
Who is willing to go out with me, instead of making a fuss because he doesn’t want to go and he’d rather sit alone and play videogames.

Its built up to the point where I explode. Even though that’s the last thing I want. I want to be friends, I really do, but every time I see you, I get so pissed because I remember everything.

Just promise me one thing: don’t put anyone through that again. Please. When you get a girlfriend, treat her right. Keep your eyes on only her, let your actions speak in place of your words at times. And for the love of god, don’t tell her she’s stupid or that she’s being cheap or cheesy when she’s trying to be sweet. Just…watch what you say.

I’m sure some things you never really meant, but they hurt anyways.

By,
   A girl who has been there.

Reviews

[Jennifer Pennington]

This was a very deep and heartfelt write. You are very brave to write you did and express it with hundreds of strangers. I too have cut myself in the past due to a lot of trauma and unseen pains. It is a terrible habit to get into and im glad that you have overcome it. I am glad to hear that you have moved on with someone ten times better. Live life, be strong, be brave and never give up. Keep your chin up girl.

[Connor O'Donnel]

mm this is really sad, i can relate.

I am also a girl who has been there, and I know some of what you feel.
You express yourself really well in this piece, its so honest and raw.
I am also very happy to hear you are with some one better, who treats you right!
Well done!
-Satan's Toaster