syntax of goodbye

where there was an ampersand,
place a question mark on the space,
between us, answer me in bold lines,
red hints, with an open parenthetical
uncertainty about the new girl
you see with eyes, exclaiming love,
barely there, when it was me, you vowed
to see with a period flourish on forever,
no buts, no ifs, no complicated curlicues
just a link, called love, a reflective
hope, a faith that dangles above my head,
with an elliptical crown of disappointment,
broken to fluent bits of a speech,
called heartache, with an urgent longing
for the separation of the pronouns, you and i

Reviews

[jacob erin-cilberto]

we are our own worst critics..but i agree with the previous comment...let the readers judge...and based on their comments you find if your poem works or not.

i, of course, love the use of semantics, punctuation, parts of speech to tell this kind of story in a poem.

no complicated curlicues .....just simple straightforward love.

a fluent poem.

[highonwords]

hi jacob - thank you so much for the encouragement - i learned it first from you - the use of semantics to tailor a poem - thank you so much for the tip - learning a lot from you - always appreciate your visits :)

regards,
steph

[barleygirl]

First & foremost, I'd like to see you change the byline under the title of this poem. Please do not negatively pre-judge your offering, becuz this could suggest that we are off the mark when we love this poem & think it's one of your best, which I do. This time, the power & clarity of your message comes thru, which I prefer to the gentle vague statements I've read from you before. Owning your voice, is what I'm seeing, gradually & satisfyingly. Great job! (((HUGS)))

[highonwords]

i just felt kinda unsure about this poem - because it isn't really my style - playing with semantics - it was kinda unwieldy for me - but i am so happy that you like it - that you could hear my voice through it - because my intent to write is to reach as many people as i can - to inspire, to touch lives in a positive way or in a way that tells people that they are not alone :) thank you so much for the wonderful review and visit - i will remove the byline :)

regards,
steph