summer love

flower-printed hearts,
in a getaway summer love,

blaring hippie highway blues,
fixed on a star of desire

paradise is a narrow cleft
between two wayward bodies,

leaning to the left of rolling grass,
with patches of canyon-red

a slight tinge of regret
is lost on love-drunken eyes

what the fickle rain-shower
could not wash away,

is the amber breath of whiskey
between their lips, an entwining of hips

the trace of finger-lust
on miles and miles of naked skin

towards a shattered-glass horizon,
carving itself on their faces

Reviews

[Lyn Anderson]

the third stanza is just -- perfect. A really strong poem over all -- I would however suggest carving "in" instead of "on" -- I limit my suggestions to grammar, for the most part -- but you know best what you mean.

[highonwords]

thank you kl for the suggestion, the review, and the visit

my best,
steph

[jacob erin-cilberto]

hippie highway blues----rolling grass...breath of whiskey...shattered-glass horizon....reminds me of the sixties in college...the movement...

and then later the disappointment of where it all went...and yet the impression of us still carved on that mountain we never quite reached...

yes, there seems a disjointment about this...but there was about that time too...so i relate to how it reads for me...

j.

[highonwords]

i am not really personally familiar with the hippie movement, aside from what i learned about it from history books - i was aiming for a laid-back ambience in the poem, with a jagged twist in the end

steph

[Lydia Shutter]

The lines are a little disjointed, but they do paint a sensual picture of a summer love. Not sure why you separated the thoughts this way. Lydia

[highonwords]

i have a lot to improve - it's a long way - which parts do you think are disjointed, maybe i could remedy the matter

always glad for your visits,
steph

[Lydia Shutter]

The ideas really don't flow....and there is no reason to separate the lines as you have.

[Alfred Kukitz]

Wow Steph! This is great stuff. The metaphors, narrative, excitement of the poem unfolding. We are far apart but you deserve a big, fat wet kiss from yours truly.

Smooch!

Regards,
Al

[highonwords]

thank you for the ecstatic review, al :)

my best,
steph

[Megan Doeden]

I am not very good at constructive criticism, but I loved it. descriptions are amazing.

[highonwords]

hi megan, thank you for the visit, for your words

my best,
steph

[highonwords]

I'd appreciate constructive criticism on this, as i really want to improve my writing