Chapter Thirteen: Tell you what...sometimes I miss you so bad I can hardly stand it.

 

The second month passed methodically, and then the third followed. When the fourth rolled around, I realized I spent a whole lot of time worrying myself to death about him. We didn't talk as much and when we did, it was just simple how was your day and what are you doing? That question came up a lot. It didn't make anything make sense though so, I'm not really sure why it was asked so much. No words were spoken about the night we both broke down. When he had told me he didn't think he was deserving of me. That seemed to have just disappeared. I wanted on many, occasions to say something, but I would always fall flat in the end. So, after a while I quit trying. It just seemed pointless. I couldn't say anything, and he didn't want to say anything, so what was the point? But, one night, when we were talking he cut me short.

"And so since he has been at work so much, I just don't see him anymore. It really sucks a-" Then he cut me off.

"S**t Angel, I gotta go. I have this project thing I had to do and forgot about." They were off for summer break, so I was wondering what he was talking about.

"What?" I heard rustling.

"I gotta go Angel. I love you." I sighed.

"Fine, bye." There was a pause.

"What? Why do you sound aggravated?"

"If you don't wanna talk to me anymore, just tell me." Then there was a scoff.

"What the f**k are you talking about? Of course I wanna talk to you. I just have to go for right now." I sighed.

"No you don't. You haven't wanted to talk to me since that night that you told me you didn't deserve my love. I want you to talk to me MiKey. And not just talk, but talk about what you said. We need to talk." I heard him sigh.

"I don't wanna talk about it."

"MiKey. Please."

"I can't right now."

"MiKey, don't do this. Why are you shutting me out?" I begged.

"I don't have time to fight right now. Nor the energy." I scoffed.

"I didn't ask you to argue with me. I asked you talk. Just talk. You are blocking me out like I don’t f*****g matter to you." There was a long pause.

"Angel…"

"What?" I could hear his breathing.

"Never mind."

"I love you." I said.

"I know."

"No, I love you." I repeated.

"I know."

"No MiKey, listen to me, really listen to me. I love you."

"Angel, I know."

"I love you."

"I know."

"I love you."

"Angel…"

"I love you."

"Angel, don't…d-don't f**k with me."

"Michael Brayden Danes, I love you." Then I could feel his tears, even though he was so far away.

"Angel, please."

"I love you baby." He sniffled and let out a soft sob.

"I know."

"Don't just hear my words MiKey, understand them. I love you. I love you so much. I'm the luckiest guy in the world. I love you. I don't care what you've been through. I don't care what you look like. I don't care if you’re damaged. I don't care about that s**t and I don't want anyone else. I love you. Only you, forever." He then broke down. His sobs reverberated through me. I wanted nothing more than to be there with him and hold him so f*****g close to me that he just got swallowed up and became a part of me. I wanted to dry his tears. I wanted to make his pain stop. And not just the pain now, all the pain he has ever been through. I wanted it to just be over.

"I love you." He said.

"I love you too." I whispered.

"You really mean it?" Then my eyes burned with the unshed tears.

"I really love you baby. More than anyone. You’re mine. My baby. My love. I have never been surer of anything in my life. Ever. I'll say it as many times as I need too. I'll say it 7 trillion times it that is what it takes, because I love you."

"I love you too Angel. I want to be with you. So much. I miss you more than anything." I nodded.

"I know baby. It shouldn't be much longer I promise." He sighed.

"It's been four months but if feels like three years." I curled into a ball on my bed.

"I know. MiKey, sometimes I miss you so much, I literally don't know what to do with myself. I just can't sit still. And you're all I ever think about." I heard voices in the background on his line, then…

"Hold on a sec baby." MiKey said to me.

"Who are you talking too?"

"Angel." MiKey said.

"That is all you ever do. Why you so hung up on her?" I think MiKey had tried to cover the phone speaker but it didn't work.

"Go away. Please." There was a sigh.

"Fine, but if you decide you wanna stop being a little b***h for your girlfriend and wanna have some fun, you know where to find us."

"Whatever man." Then I heard a door slam.

"Her?" I said.

"What?"

"He said, her. What's he talking about MiKey?"

"Angel, please." I cuddled up to my pillow.

"Just tell me."

"I told them you were a girl, because I didn't wanna make being here harder than it was okay? Please don't be mad at me." I shook my head, regardless of whether he could see me.

"I'm not mad, I get it. I was just wondering."

"Angel?" He said.

"Yeah?"

"I can't wait have a life with you." I smiled. 

"Me either baby."

 

------

 

The next day I was awoken to my dad in my doorway.

"Angel, wake up." I slowly sat up, not fully conscious.

"Yeah?" He switched my lights on.

"Some of your friends are here." The lights burned my eyes out of their sockets. They did for him as well. I could see he was still in his pajamas.

"What time is it?" I asked.

"Not even six yet." I sighed and looked out my windows. It was still somewhat dark.

"I'm sorry for them waking you up, dad." He shrugged.

"Whatever, I'm just gonna send them up. Then I am going back to sleep." I nodded.

"Okay." He disappeared and a few minutes later as I was climbing out of bed, I heard a knock on my door. Then it swung open and James and Mandy waltzed in.

"Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey." Mandy said in a cheery voice. I smiled.

"What the hell are you guys doing here so early in the morning?" James yawned.

"Believe me. It wasn't my decision. Mandy saw that there are huge sales going on at the mall and wanted to go 'So Super Bad.'" He said in a fake girl voice. She punched him.

"Shut up. But, yes it was my idea and we haven't seen you in a million and one years. So, you’re coming with us." I stood up, wearing only my boxers and sighed.

"Fine, let me take a shower first." She squealed and James sat on my couch.

"I'll be back in a minute." I closed the door softly behind me. I quickly jumped in the shower, scrubbing myself from head to toe before getting out and brushing my teeth. I examined myself in the mirror. I wondered how cute little MiKey, found me attractive. I sighed. When I left the bathroom, I saw they were sitting on the futon holding hands and being cutesy. I almost rolled my eyes.

"Hey!" I yelled. They both jumped and Mandy squealed. I laughed.

"Jesus Christ." James said. I walked behind the couch and clapped him on the back. I ruffled Mandy's hair.

"You two love birds ready to go?" They both stood up.

"Okay, so the other day, we went to the mall and I was all like we should take Angel with us. But James said we should give you some space." I looked at him and quirked my eyebrows. He shrugged.

"You know. Cause you like, um, had that fight with your boyfriend and stuff." I nodded.

"Yeah, that's okay. I get it. No hard feelings." Mandy ran down the stairs. Sometimes she acted just like a kid. When we got to the kitchen, I grabbed my keys and turned to them.

"Wanna take my car?" James's eyes lit up.

"Okay dude, it’s time for a man to man talk. I want to drive your car so bad. I know so much about cars, f**k, I won't hurt it. Please." He threw in the little whinny please. I took a deep breath.

"Uhhhhhhh, no." He visibly sagged. I laughed. "I'm just kidding, here." He grabbed the keys from my hand furiously.

"Oh my god, I think I might just jizz myself." I laughed and pushed him into the garage. Mandy pranced behind.

 

------

 

At the mall, we spent some time shopping about, mainly f*****g around and pissing off store clerks. I had bought a few pairs of jeans and a new shirt. It was like the one I had given MiKey the first few days I knew him. It was soft and button up. It reminded me of him. All three of us split up to go to some new stores and promised we would meet each other in the food court by noon and after I had shopped around for a few hours and got some more clothes, I met them back at the food court. James was already there with three bags, he looked irritated.

"Where the hell have you been? We said noon. I told you guys that. Mandy still isn't here." I looked around a bit.

"Calm down dude. She's around here somewhere. She knows what time she is supposed to meet us." He nodded.

"Yeah, I know. It's just; she always does this to me. I tell her a certain time, she completely blows me off. Sometimes she gets so lost in time when she flirts with other guys that she forgets I'm even here with her." I sat down at a table. He sat in the chair in front of me.

"Mandy flirts with other guys?" He nodded.

"Sometimes. It really gets on my nerves."

"I could see how. But, you know she would never do anything to intentionally hurt you. I can see she loves you too much. Although I can't see why." I punched his shoulder. He laughed.

"You're an a*****e." I smiled big.

"It's my specialty." As the words left my mouth, Mandy came running up. She slammed herself down in the seat beside James.

"I'm so sorry babe. I lost track of time. Didn't mean to." He kissed her.

"It's alright." I smiled at their mundane gesture.

We got some food and sat down to eat. I got a hamburger and some fries and they both got the same thing. Cheeseburger with a side of chili cheese fries to share.

We were having a conversation about something not so important when a guy walked by who caught my attention. I stared for a moment. He was short just like MiKey. He had black hair, just like MiKey. He looked uncannily like MiKey minus the ears and tail. He smiled at me as he walked passed I couldn't help but to turn slightly and watch him walk away. I stared at his a*s as he strolled over to some store. Mandy smacked my arm. I quickly turned back around.

"What the hell are you doing?" She barked at me. I tried to play it off.

"Nothing."

"Oh come on! You were practically f*****g that guy with your eyes." I sighed.

"I can't help it! I'm a guy and I haven't had sex in like four months. I'm going insane." Her jaw dropped.

"So jerk off!" She yelled. My face turned red. I could feel it. James was laughing his a*s off. "Don't cheat on your boyfriend!" I gasped at her.

"What the f**k are you talking about? I was just looking! Are you kidding me, I would never even think about cheating on MiKey." My voice had rose to a higher volume. She sat back.

"Okay, so if jerking off isn't working for you, you just need some toys." My face reddened even further. James laughed even harder. I thought he was going to have a conniption fit.

"What the f**k are you talking about?" She sighed and pulled out her wallet. She grabbed a gift card out of it and slammed in down on the table.

"Here, a friend of mine gave it to me for my eighteenth birthday and I haven't needed it yet, so you use it." I picked it up and looked at it. It was a gift card to an adult store.

"Pleasure zone?" James tried to catch his breath but started laughing even hard when I said the name.

"Shut up." I said. But, I still had a smile on my face.

"Yes." She said. "It's here in the mall. We can go there later." I shook my head.

"Um, no thanks." She grabbed the card and put it in her wallet.

"We are going. I don't care what you say. If I have to drag your a*s in there, I will." I sighed. There was no point in arguing with her. James finally caught his breath.

"Oh, Jesus Christ. That is hilarious." I flipped him off.

"Keep it up and you'll get the details of everything that happens during gay sex." I said with a smile and took a bite of a french fry. He laughed.

"God, no. I'm sorry. I won't say another word." He gasped out. I laughed.

"You sure are missing out though. My god, I had never felt so good in my entire life. I seriously thought I would pass the f**k out. And all the noise I made. I'm a guy for Christ sakes and MiKey still had me screaming." James choked on his drink.

"Really?" Mandy said. I nodded.

"Really. That kid knows what he is doing.” She turned to James.

"Why can't you be that good in bed?" She asked almost innocently.

"Excuse me." He said. She laughed.

"I'm just kidding baby. You get really defensive about that don't you?" He frowned.

"Uh, yeah. You never ever tell a guy he sucks in bed. It isn't a cool thing to do at all." He turned to me. "You better stop telling her things or you're going to make me look like a damn fool."

"I'm sorry." But that smile on my face was unmistakable.

 

We ate and talked for a while then we shopped around a little more. We stopped into this store that sold all kinds of hilarious perverted stuff. There were like these cheetah edible panties. I held them up.

"I think you need a pair of these James." He punched me in the arm.

"You're a weirdo." I laughed.

 

After a few more stops Mandy dragged me into the "adult store." It was located at the very back of the mall, down a hallway. Had someone not known about it, they may not have ever knew it existed at all. I wasn’t expecting it to be so big and intimidating. I felt uncomfortable and out of place. I could tell that James did as well. There was so much stuff I had no idea what most of it was. Mandy was walking up and down the aisles slowly and checking out stuff. I just followed slowly and awkwardly. She grabbed a vibrator off the shelf and laughed out loud. James was standing behind me a little ways off feeling even more uncomfortable than me.

She showed it to me and I couldn't help but to laugh too.

"What the f**k! That is f*****g crazy. It looks so real!" She nodded and couldn't catch her breath. It was extremely detailed. She couldn't stop laughing and James popped his headphones in trying to tone out all the vibrators around him. I laughed at him and he flipped me off. We kept on walking down the isle's until we came to some that weren't so over the top and crazy. She picked up a silver one. It was sleek and small. She handed it to me. I held it awkwardly, looking down at it, not wanting to admit that I was intrigued. It also made me blush unbelievably. She looked at me questionably.

"So, is that MiKey's size?" I blushed even harder and looked at the ceiling, laughing.

"Oh my god. I don't know. Can we just get out of here?" She frowned.

"Come on Angel, stop being such a prude." I scoffed.

"Prude!? It's just weird buying something I am going to use to pleasure myself with! I don't particularly like everyone knowing what I do at night when I'm all alone." I lowered my voice toward the end, not wanting anyone to hear what I was saying.

"Oh come on. I have like three of these at home! Don't let James fool you, he's seen these things more than once. A million people in the world own sex toys and it isn't just girls. You'll be alright. Here just get this one and if it doesn't…float your boat, then you can always try a more natural way." And with that being said she held up two fingers. I laughed and smacked her arm.

"Whatever." I looked at James and he was looking as if he was going to be sick. That made me laugh even harder.

 

------

 

After we left the mall, we all hung out at my house for a while. Then James mumbled something about his mom getting pissed so they left. And when they did, I suddenly felt alone with my thoughts. Which, they immediately went to MiKey. It wasn't healthy to think about him so much. But, regardless of my health, I thought about him. Was he okay? Was he missing me just as much as I was missing him? Of course he was that was a stupid question. I sighed. I needed a distraction and I had thought I saw my dad's car in the driveway so I went to find him. First I checked in the living room, then in his bedroom and kitchen. Finally, I went to his study.

"Hey dad." I said as I slipped in the door.

"Hello Angel. Have a good time with your friends?" And immediately my cheeks lit up from thinking about what Mandy had forced me into buying. I nodded regardless.

"Yeah it was fun." He nodded.

"That is good." I sat down in front of him. He sighed and looked up from his papers.

"What do you need?" I was almost offended.

"Nothing." He cocked his head to the side.

"You wanna talk about something?" I sighed and stood.

"Never mind." I went to walk to the door and his voice stopped me.

"Angel, if you need to talk you know I am here for you. And I feel like it isn't right to keep apologizing to you all the time for not being here, cause I can't do anything about it. But, when I am here, you can talk to me about anything. That I can promise." I took my hand off the door knob and sat back in the plush chair. He gave me an interested look that I tried to dismiss, it seemed like he was trying too hard. I sighed again. This time more exasperated.

"I just…I feel like…" And I gave up. I was about to stand up again. He looked at me and shot me a glare that said, sit down and talk to me.

"I just feel sometimes like I am…I don't know…a disappointment to you." As soon as the words were out of my mouth I wished I hadn't said them. He sat there quiet for a long time.

"You honestly think that?" I hesitantly nodded. He again sat there not saying anything.

"F**k. Angel. I'm sorry." My eyes lightened and I sighed again.

"It's not you, dad. Really. I just…I can't stop thinking about how I should have married a pretty girl and gone to medical school to be a great doctor like you. I should have had a family and spent Christmas's with you and my wife and kids. I feel like I should have been normal. But I couldn't even do that. Of all things." He looked down at his papers for a long moment and then back up to me, finally gathering the nerve to look me in the eyes.

"I will be honest with you Angel. At first, I was upset because I thought I would never have a normal son. I thought, f**k, this is going to be my life. I am going to be alone and lonely with a gay son. But, then I realized that it doesn't matter who you are, or what you do because you are still my son. I can neglect you and I can deny who you are as a person. I can force you to be a different way. I could refuse to ever let you see MiKey again. I could do all those things. But in the end…you are still my son and you are still going to be who you want. Just because you wanna change someone so bad, doesn't mean you can change them. So, you have to see what is good in it and accept it. And you wanna know what is the good in it?" I nodded slowly and he sat back. "The good in it is that you are happy. And that is all that truly matters. That you're happy. Once I saw that, all that other non important s**t just went away. I don't care who you are, just so long as you are the best you. Okay? That is all that matters. That is all I care about. So, don't think you disappoint me, because you don’t. And honestly, MiKey is a really good kid and I’m glad you found someone good to you." I took a deep breath and stared at the floor for a while. We were both silent.

"Thanks, dad. I love you." He nodded and stood.

"I love ya too. Give me a hug." I laughed and hugged him quick.

"Now, anything else you think we should talk about?" He said. I smiled and kicked at the floor with my foot.

"Nah, I think that was all I needed to hear." He nodded.

"Okay, well…I will cook some dinner tonight when I get done with this work, 'kay?" I smiled and walked to the door.

"Don't burn the house down whatever you do." He chucked a pen at me.

"Get outa here." I stuck my tongue out at him and slammed the door behind me.

 

The next month drug on slowly. Even more slowly than I had expected. It was getting harder and harder to talk to MiKey. It hurt too much. I could tell he tried not to say anything about being so f*****g lonely and cold. But I could hear it in his words. I could hear it in every word he spoke. It made me ache inside. And with each passing moment, it became more and more clear what it meant to actually love a human being. Not just say it. Not just feel it. Love is not a word, or a feeling. It's a realization that there is something bigger in this world than yourself. There is someone who is so much a part of you that you would literally die for them. Love cannot be defined it just is. And I finally understood that.