Chapter Six: That three letter word.

We had a little moment where we just held each other, refusing to let go. But then we both faced the facts and I took him home. It was hard to see him leave the warm safe car, most importantly leave me. I watched as he went inside, feeling weird and exceptionally sad. Why did he affect me so much when had just begun? Did he feel the same as me? I could only hope so.

I was bored without MiKey around. It was hard not having friends I liked. Even though I liked MiKey…he wasn't always around. It hurt to think about how much I wanted him around…all the time. But it just wasn’t in the cards then.

As much as I didn't like having MiKey gone, I knew it was for the best. He and I both needed time to think about things apart. I mean every good relationship consist of time apart right? As comfortable as I had gotten around MiKey and as much as I wanted to be consumed by him, I knew it was good to have some privacy every once in a while. I usually spent my Sunday’s jerking off to fantasies of MiKey that I haven’t yet gotten the guts to ask him for. I wasn’t sure if he was ready. I wasn’t sure if I was even ready for something like that. So when mind wanted me to do things with MiKey throughout the week when he was with me…I pushed it back and held it for Sunday.

It was really weird thinking about sex with MiKey. Mostly because I knew he was with a guy before and I had never been. I wanted to be with him but I wasn’t sure how or when. I was still really confused on how the rules played out when it is with a guy and not a girl. I didn't know how I should treat MiKey. I didn't want to initiate things and make him feel inferior, and I was too scared to ask anyway. I enjoyed thinking about it but entertaining that it could easily happen scared me. You share a bed with someone long enough, something was bound to happen. Every time I thought about even touching MiKey, those butterflies fluttered.

Thinking was good for me to do. I liked having some time to myself and just straighten things out. I didn't really know what I'd do though. I still had the whole day ahead of me. I guessed I could maybe jog for once. I liked to run sometimes. It was my favorite part about basketball practice. I knew I shouldn't smoke because it was bad for me but I had become addicted.

I figured going for a run would do me some good; so that is what I did. When I had gotten in the house Mrs. Jane, our housekeeper, was cleaning the kitchen. I said hello as I walked by and she smiled and waved.

I headed up to my room and threw on some track shorts and an old comfy t-shirt with a baggy hoodie over it. I grabbed my I-pod and went back downstairs. I passed the kitchen and Mrs. Jane stopped me.

"Well, well Ben. It's nice to see you out and about. Every time I am over here you’re cooped up in your room." She laid down her towel and walked over to me, then she sized me up.

"Yeah I felt like going for a jog. Getting some fresh air." She smiled.

"That's always good. Like I said before, you look a lot brighter lately. How is everything going in your world?" I smiled and scuffed my shoe on the floor.

"Uh, weird I guess. Things have been going kinda good lately though. I guess, really well." I looked down at her. She was even shorter than MiKey.

"Oh is that so. Does it happen to have anything to do with a girl maybe?" I laughed.

"Uh I guess you could say that." Her smiled faded a little.

"Got yourself a girlfriend Ben?" I nodded.

"Yeah sorta. I mean, it is really complicated and all." She nodded.

"How so?" I was a starting to get just a little off put. She seemed to be really nosy.

"Uh well she is really different and I can't really be with her openly because people I know won't accept her…So, it is just kinda weird right now." She nodded again.

"You mean because this girl is really a boy." My smile fell so fast that it would have been comical if the situation was any different. The shock on my face could have been noticed a mile away.

"What? H-how do you…" I felt my heart hammer against the inside of my chest instantly and sweat prickled at my temples. If she knew then my dad had to have known right?

"Ben I saw you kissing that boy in your room the other day. I may not talk to you all that much anymore but I am certainly not stupid. That was no girl." I felt like puking.

"How?"

"I came up to your room to get some of your laundry. I accidentally walked into something I shouldn't have and that was it." My stomach lurched and I felt my head start to swirl. I tried to take a breath but felt it was hard to do so.

"Oh god, oh god." I said slowly.

"Honey, I didn't tell your father if that is what you are worried about. It certainly wouldn't be my place." I sighed so loud I'm sure someone outside could have heard it. My eyes were a little teary, but I quickly blinked it away.

"Thank you. Oh god thank you so much." I hugged her. "Thank you."

"Ben," She said while hugging me back. "I want you to know that it is okay to be the way you are. I've known your father a long time and if you just told him I'm sure he wouldn't be that upset with you…" I pulled away from her.

"No, no I can't tell him. I can't do that. He can't know. Who knows what the hell he would do? He wouldn’t just accept me. It wouldn’t be that easy.” I figured I should go run now and blow off some steam before my head explodes or something.

"Okay I just…" I cut her off.

"I'ma go run for a while. I'll talk to later Mrs. Jane." She nodded and I slipped out the back door. As soon as I slipped out that door the cold air hit me like a ton of bricks. Thoughts were racing through my head. What would happen if I told my dad? Would he hit me the way MiKey's dad hits him? No I seriously doubted that one. Would he kick me out? That one I didn't doubt. He's always so worried about his reputation. I didn't know what I was going to do.

I started off down the side walk next to the street and it didn't take long before my lungs were burning. I didn't stop though. I went faster. I willed my legs to pump faster than they ever have and I just ran. The slow jog wasn't a slow jog anymore. My legs and lungs and everything else burned almost wildly, but I willed harder. The song Hate Me was bursting in my ears through the head phones. I got to the point where I felt like I was going to just pass out, maybe die. My pace had significantly dropped but I refused to stop even as the cold sweat ran almost into my eyes and the frustrated tears spilled over. I felt like sobbing and choking but I didn't. The song was still playing loudly and making the whole situation worse. The words:

"Hate me today, Hate me tomorrow, Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you. Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow, Hate me so you can finally, see what's good…for you." I knew this was going to be it. This was going to happen to MiKey and I. There was so much better for him out there than me. There were people out there that could treat him like royalty and be honest about him. But, I couldn't abandon him. I couldn't leave him. What if I did and he didn't leave? What was I supposed to do? I wanted MiKey more than I have ever wanted anyone in my whole life and that wasn't about to change. I'm so young it was the biggest shock to me. It scared me so badly. The fear wasn't even about me anymore. No, this fear was all about MiKey and how I knew I was going to end up hurting him down the road sometime. I didn't want to hurt him. I would have rather died then make him cry. If I made him cry, I don't know what I would do…I wanted him to be safe I wanted him to be happy. And most of all I wanted to love him. I did love him. I knew that I did. It was soon, it was rushed, it may not have been real but it was how I felt.

The tears ran down harder now but I was still pumping my legs, I wasn't going to stop not unless I passed out or died. When my legs became so heavy though that I felt like I couldn’t take another step, I collapsed onto the grass on the opposite side of the sidewalk. I pulled my knees up to my chest and began to sob. I wasn’t sure how long I had sat there crying but when I felt no more tears would come and there was nothing left for me to feel, I stopped. I took a few, deep, shaking breaths and wiped the tears from my face. I needed an escape. I needed a release. I stood up slowly, dusted my shorts off and made the trek back to my house. I took my time walking this time, enjoying that the sun was behind the clouds and not shining in my eyes. The sky looked dusky like it was going to rain or snow. I would have welcomed either. I took my headphones out, not wanting to hear another song that would make me emotionally break down. I wanted to be with MiKey. I just wish that it wasn’t such a selfish thing to want.

When I got home, I walked the stairs slowly and met my dad on the way to my room.

“Hello Angel.” He said. He had his glasses on, holding a book.

“Hey dad.” He looked up at me and scanned me. I looked like I had been through hell and back. My eyes were, I could only assume, red and puffy. They stung with dried tears and my clothes had dirt on them and were slightly wet from sitting on the grass so long. I was sweaty from the run and felt like I had travelled a hundred miles instead of just a few blocks.

“Are you okay? You look like you’ve been crying.” I looked away from him and shrugged.

“I don’t really want to talk about it okay?” He looked at me sadly.

“Were you running?” I nodded. “Does this have something to do with the girls you are seeing?” He asked and I sighed, exasperated.

“I don’t want to talk about it. Please.” He just nodded.

“Alright, but if you need anything, you can come talk to me. I’m sure I’ll understand.” I wanted to roll my eyes. You’ll understand as long as I’m not gay, I thought.

“Yeah, thanks.” When I got to my room, I locked the door and went for my closet. I dug through the clothes and other assorted items on the floor of the closet until I felt my hands touch a shoe box. Bingo, I thought. I pulled the box out and brought it with me to the futon. I set the box down on the table in front of me and opened it. This box held a number of things. Some of them were important documents like my social security card, birth certificate, and driver’s education papers. I also had small trinkets of memories in there. But, what I was looking for was my pipe. I wanted to smoke. I pulled the palm length pipe out of the box and set it down. Next to it was a dime bag of weed that I had stored for a rainy day. I used to, when my mom first left, drink a lot and smoke a lot. Then I stopped drinking and just got high all of the time. Once I felt like it wasn’t getting my anywhere and I was afraid my dad was catching on, I stopped that too. I didn’t quit for good but I hadn’t done it in a long time. Now, I was ready again.

I took my time clearing my pipe, breaking up the weed, and packing it in nicely. When I was done, I put it to my lips and searched the box for my lighter. It had been two years since I had smoked and hoped that it still worked. When the flame sparked and burned well, I smiled and placed it to the green. Holding my finger over the carb, I inhaled and felt the smoke hit my lungs deliciously. I knew it wouldn’t be that long before I started feeling the effects. I was right. A few hits later, I felt my pace slow about ten times what it had been. I smiled at nothing and my body relaxed so much I thought I may just go to sleep. I felt good. I felt high. I wasn’t sure how long I sat staring at my television turned off, but when I realized it was, I turned it on just in case my dad came in and wondered what I was doing. It wouldn’t be so obvious if I was staring at a screen. But I wasn’t paying any attention to it. MiKey’s face and body kept popping into my lazy mind. At first I wanted it to stop, but then I just let it happen.

When I noticed my not so concealed erection, I figured the best way to get off would be to do it while I was high. I dropped my pants, laid down on my futon and closed my eyes, thinking about all of the things I wanted to do to MiKey and all of the things I wanted him to do to me. I wanted him in so many ways, in ways that surprised me. I hadn’t realized that I wanted him to f**k me until I came with the thought of him inside me. I came quickly but the satisfaction of the release left me nearly breathless. Afterward, grabbed a shirt that was lying on my floor and wiped myself off with it. As much as I didn’t want to, I got up and changed into some clean boxers and pants. I laid back onto my bed and felt myself drift into a fitful sleep. I slept, tossing and turning until I heard my phone ring. I wasn’t sure how long I had been asleep but I knew I needed to answer my phone. I looked at the number and saw MiKey’s name and didn’t hesitate to answer it.

"Hello?"

"Angel?" His voice was so sweet.

"Yeah. What’s going on?"

"Nothing. It's just that my dad just told me that he was going out to the bar with his friend and that he wanted me out of the house. He doesn't want me here in case he brings home some people who need to crash. So…I was figuring I could stay with you tonight…if that's okay with you…" It took me a moment to comprehend what he had said but it eventually got through. I realized really quickly that I was still high.

"Yeah, yeah of course. I'll be over to get you in about  10 minutes okay?"

"Okay." He said and I could tell he was smiling.

"Bye baby." There was a hesitation on the other end of the line.

"B-baby?" My eyes got wide as I realized the endearment that had past my lips. I didn't mean to say it, it just came out.

"Oh, I'm sorry that just slipped out…does that bother you?"

"No…no it doesn't bother me, I just…No one has ever called me baby before. I like it." I could feel his smile radiating. I smiled too.

"I can call you baby if you want me too…" I could practically feel his blush.

"Uh, okay. Well, I'll see you in a few." His voice had a hint of nervous laugh to it.

"Okay, bye…baby." I hung up the phone still feeling euphoric and not just from the drug anymore. This grin I had plastered to my face definitely was all MiKey.

I attempted to comb my hair down with my fingers and I grabbed the keys and ran to my car. I buckled my seat belt and started it. Before I pulled out though, I looked at myself in the mirror. My clothes probably didn't smell too great and my hair was a bundle of tangles on my head. I sighed. I wanted to shower, comb my hair, and sober up…before I saw MiKey. I felt like letting him see me this way was like a big scream of weakness. I didn't want him to see me as weak. So, I sat for a moment and debated running back in and taking a shower just long enough to rinse off and wash my hair. I told him I would be there soon though, so I decided against it. I pulled out of the drive and sped down the road. When I reached his drive, I swung in and jumped out. I ran to his glass doors. Before I opened them though, I ran my hand through my hair a few more times trying to get all the tangles out. I sighed before pulling the doors open.

I didn't think he heard me because his door didn't open. I knocked on it timidly. I heard a crash of something hitting the ground. Then the door swung open the door open with a smile.

"Hey." He said as he wrapped his arms around me. He always seemed to make me feel better.

"Hey." He stepped back a moment.

"What happened to you?" I looked down at myself. I was hoping he wouldn’t notice. Everything was blurry and speaking all of the sudden seemed hard to do.

"I went for a jog. I didn't get time to shower." I suddenly felt guilty for not telling MiKey the wole truth. I was lying, I reasoned with myself, I just didn’t tell him I had smoked. He looked at me harder.

"Are you stoned?" The tone in his voice was accusing and I wasn’t sure I enjoyed it. With that, I definitely didn’t want to tell him. The idea seemed to piss him off. I opened my mouth, but nothing came out.

"I don't…I mean…" The skill I had acquired my whole life to speak had suddenly left me. I didn’t want him to be mad at me, it was the last thing I wanted.

"Just tell me if you’re high or not. It isn't that hard of a question." I could hear the worry in his voice.

"It's a really long story-" He cut me off yet again.

"I think that you should leave." I was shocked. Was he really pissed off at me for getting a little high?

"What?" I asked, not being able to stop the little bit of anger that boiled just below the surface. It seemed to me like he was over reacting.

"I said leave. I don't want you here." He bowed his head. I scoffed.

"That's not fair MiKey okay. I'm almost not even buzzed anymore. I mean I didn't even smoke that much.” His head snapped up and there were tears in his eyes. It confused me, I didn’t understand. It was just a little bit of pot.

"The f**k you aren't!" His voice scared me. I had never heard MiKey yell. I didn't think he was even capable of it. "I can smell it on you. That smell makes me sick to my stomach. I can see that your eyes are glassy and you can barely form a f*****g sentence. I am not stupid!" I stepped back a few inches. Was he really yelling at me, or was this some sort of bad trip? Had I waited too long to smoke that weed? Was that s**t laced with something? Or was this really happening?

"MiKey calm down…" I went to touch him. He pulled away from his grip.

"No! You don't seem to understand that I see this every f*****g day. Every f*****g day I'm around drunk people or people who are stoned so far out of their mind, they don't even remember their own name! You were the last person I wanted to see like this and I thought that you were going to protect me from things like this?" The tears were running down his face now. I took a step forward.

“MiKey please, just let me explain…” I said. “I wasn’t trying to hurt you.”

"No. You know what, I’m over reacting.” He said, taking a deep breath. “I’m not your responsibility. And I can’t, I shouldn’t tell you what to do. You're a big boy. You can do whatever you want. Just don't…include me in the picture."

"MiKey…" I was going to say something, but the words in my head, just didn't roll off the tongue as easily as I anticipated.

"I said leave! Please. Please." He was clenching his fist together.

"I'm sorry." I stepped closer to him but he wouldn’t look at me. I reached up to touch his hair softly. I felt him instinctively relax a little at the touch.

"'m so sorry." I repeated. "I didn't know. I'm sorry I didn't understand. If you want me to go than I will. But if you think this is the last you'll hear from me, then you’re wrong. Because I can’t and I don’t want to you let you go." I kissed his forehead before walking out and closing the door softly. As soon as I was out the door, I heard him sob. I felt like the world’s biggest a*****e. I felt like such a piece of s**t and a sorry excuse for a boyfriend. If that was even what I was to him. I hated hearing him cry, I hated even more that it was my fault he was crying. I wanted to go back in and comfort him but I didn't. I stood there for a little while listening to him cry, and then I left.

 

------

 

After I had gotten home I showered, shaved the little bit of fuzz I had on my face, combed my hair and changed my clothes. I felt like sleeping it all away. I slipped into my bed. It was already four in the afternoon and I knew it was too late to really take a nap but I didn’t care. In that moment, I didn’t care about anything. I felt my stomach rumble telling me it was hungry but I was far too upset to eat. I couldn’t stop thinking about MiKey’s face when he noticed I was high. The words “just leave, I don’t want you here” kept playing over and over in my head. Not only did I feel horrible for what I had done, I was also scared. I had never felt so scared to lose someone before. When my mom left, I didn’t have time to be scared that she was leaving. She was just gone and I had to deal. That moment was the first moment in my life that I was desperately scared I was going to lose someone important to me. MiKey had so much impact on me in so little time; I wasn’t ready to just throw away all I had invested. On top of all of that, I was worried about him. He said that his father wanted him gone because he was going to bringing people home with him. Was he safe? What was he doing? Did he get something to eat? I hated when I'd see him he'd tell me he hadn't eaten for a day.

Was he thinking about me? Did he hate me? I doubted that, but I knew he didn't want to see me. I felt so bad about showing up the way I did. Who was I kidding? I was stoned out of my mind. I still felt the effects of it though the sudden emotion had sobered me up some.

Thoughts of MiKey followed me into my sleep.

We were at the edge of a cliff and MiKey was hanging over the edge. I had ahold of his hand as he dangled above a black hole. I tried to hold on and I tried to pull him up but couldn’t. He looked up at me helplessly and cried as his hand slipped from mine and he fell into the darkness. I was on my knees at the edge screaming his name as I watched him fall into a black hole. I screamed and screamed but nothing happened, he was just gone.

I woke up crying and sobbing. I sat up quickly and tried to catch my breath. I felt sweat race down my temple and I was shaking slightly. I swallowed hard and wiped the tears from my face. I had to tell myself that it was just a dream and I was over reacting but I felt a dread inside me that wouldn’t leave. If losing MiKey would feel that crushing, I had to fix it. I grabbed my phone and saw that only two hours had passed. I took a few deep breaths, thought hard about really calling, and then dialed MiKey's number quickly. I listened to it ring over and over. I was sure he wasn't going to answer after five rings but was surprised when I heard him answer.

"Angel, I don’t really want to talk." His sweet voice flooded my ears and I couldn’t stop the tears again. I wanted to hug him, hold him tightly, kiss him and listen to him talk forever.

"MiKey. Just… please." I found that talking was difficult through the tears.

"Hey, are you okay?"

"MiKey. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I was stupid. I need you. I need you here I need you here now. Please. Please. I need you." I hated the weakness in my voice but it couldn't be helped. I hated that I couldn't stop crying.

"Angel, tell me what happened. I'm on my way okay?" I fell back on my bed and tried to catch my breath. I realized how lucky I was to have him and the fact that he would just forget about being mad at me because he was worried, made me feel even worse.

"I just…This is going to sound really stupid." I took that deep breath. I heard his doors close and his feet crunching leaves.

"I won't think so. I promise." I nodded even though he couldn't see me.

"I had a bad dream. No, bad wasn't even the half of it. Horrible was more like it. I'm scared."

"What happened? In the dream?" I told him the whole thing. I was lying on my side and listening to him telling me it was okay and that it was only a dream. I knew it meant more than just a dream though. I had to save MiKey from his dad. I had to save him from everything. I wanted to do that. But the only way for me to do that would be to tell everyone. I couldn't do that. Not yet. I wanted to but…I couldn't.

"I'm at your door okay?" He said.

"Just come up. Alright? If you see my dad just ignore him."

"Okay.”

A few moments later MiKey opened my bedroom door. I stood up instantly and ran over to him. I picked him up off the ground and hugged him tightly. He threw his legs around my waist and hugged me back.

"I'm sorry MiKey. I am so sorry. I was so stupid. I should've understood." He nodded.

"I know. It's okay now. Let's just forget about it." I nodded too and held onto him tighter. I backed him into the nearest wall and the extra support made it easier to hold him up. He kissed me softly and I kissed back. I pulled away slightly and looked him in the eyes.

"MiKey I…I lo-"

"Don't. Just don't say it." He had cut me off.

"What?"

"Just don't say it yet okay? If you say it, you make it real and I don't think I'm ready for that yet. If we have to stop being together…I don't wanna think about you being my…my everything…and then never being able to make it forever." I nodded.

"MiKey?" He kissed me again. Then his feet touched the ground. There were tears in his eyes but I could tell he wasn't going to let himself cry. He was going to be the strong one this time…One of us had to be.

"Just for now," He reached up and ran his hand through my hair. "This doesn't mean it isn't true. This doesn't mean you aren't important." I nodded and closed my eyes as he pushed his face into my chest.

I held him like that and just didn't think about anything else. I didn't think about the next day, I didn't think about ever leaving MiKey, I didn't think about my dad finding out. I mostly didn't think about the danger I was putting MiKey in. I just didn't think about anything negative and just held him to me. This isn't just a boy that helped my figure out who I really am, this is a boy who changed my whole life in one simple gesture to my cigarette that first day I saw him. The day I knew I had to grow up and realize who I was and why I was here and what I wanted to do with my life. But one thing I didn't realize was the fact that MiKey was one of the biggest factors in my new life plan. MiKey will always be in my new life plan no matter what happens. Even if my dad finds out I'm gay, even if he tries to tear us apart. Even if the whole school finds out and tries to hurt MiKey, even if his dad decides that seeing friends and even leaving the house out of the question. No matter what, I vowed I would then that I would stay with him.

He grabbed my hand and led me to the bed and lay down. I climbed in next to him and pulled the covers up over us. He kissed me softly and then pulled back. It wasn't until far enough away that I saw the purple bruise that was forming just under his left eye. I touched it softly and he closed his eyes.

"MiKey, what happened this time." My voice was surprisingly soft and tender.

"I don't know. I guess he just felt like hitting something." I hugged him to me as anger welled inside me. I wanted to hit his dad I wanted to make him feel what it is he does to MiKey. I wanted him to know the pain, and not just the physical. But, I couldn't. I just had to take it and sit back and watch as MiKey is beaten and abused. And it was the hardest thing I had ever had to do in my life. It was also something I would regret forever.