I Guess This is Growing Up...

Growing up and what it means to me in this journey to self love and acceptance in a world filled with judgmental animosity and lack of empathy for humankind.

 

I Guess This Is Growing Up :)  Current mood:  peaceful  Category: Life It is ok to admit you don't have it all together all the time, it is even ok to admit you are a flat out mess. I do it all the time. To admit your failures is to be human, to pretend you have none is just arrogance and ignorance. Perfection is just an illusion it isn't a goal anyone should try to achieve. Improving yourself, on the other hand, is a healthy course of action and I believe everyone should work towards self improvement. We can always do better, be more. Without the hope of doing better we would grow weary and depressed, stagnant and wither away.  I don't mind getting real with myself, in fact I find it very beneficial to my personal growth. I have to be my own best friend and my own worst enemy all at the same time. I have to remain accountable for the choices I make and I have to know why I choose to do what I do. I don't particularly enjoy doing things just to do them. I used to live like that, wandering blindly, just living and doing almost like a robot. I suppose it was easy to fall into going thru the motions of life without understanding myself. Life goes by so quickly, and it is all anyone can do to just keep up. I have since learned to slow the world down and open my eyes quite a bit wider. I have taught myself to question everything, even if it takes me longer to accomplish a task or reach a goal. I find it more satisfying to be aware of what AND why I am doing what it is I am doing and get there a bit slower than to go at a cut throat speed just to find out later, looking back that I didn't enjoy myself or worse yet, that I would not have done things the same if I had just slowed down and taken the time to think about what was happening.  People say that life doesn't slow down or stop for anyone or anything. I guess that is true, but I have found a way to achieve the same desired result of a more calm world... if the world won't slow down for me, I decided awhile ago, I would just slow down and refuse to get caught up in the hurry and chaos that used to run my life, even if it meant I would have to give up certain things. Giving up things to gain peace and sanity and to make more room for the important things in my life could only lead to more good things and happiness. That was the best decision I have ever made next to marrying Anthony and having his baby of course. So what did I have to give up to gain this current state of bliss? I guess the harder things I had to give up was my social life. Mind you, I did not give it up entirely, but I gave up the parts that were sucking my life away, certain people who maybe took more than they gave, who secretly wished bad instead of good for me, who used our friendship for competitive drive to fulfill a void created by their own personal insecurity. They were not "bad" people, just bad for me. Anytime you have relationships I think you should stop frequently and evaluate them, are you happy, are they? Are you sharing and benefiting each other in a healthy way? Friendship is so important but it is so much more important to have healthy friendships that work for you and your life, friends are your support, they should never be the cause of more stress.  Lets see, so some other parts of my social life that I had to cut loose, the frequency and duration of my outtings. For awhile there I was acting like I was not married with a child to care for. I would go out almost every night and stay out so late it would be halfway into the next day. I was TIRED! I was so tired I barely had anything to give to the rest of my life. My friends are important yes, but they cannot be the number one priority at this point, not if I want to continue to have a happy and healthy family. Family will always come first, and yes there are those select few friends that cross the boundary of friend to family, and all these guidelines to live by are thrown out the window. Our second family, Synn and Sherri and their girls could live with us every day of the week and I would still have all the peace and happiness in the world, they just fit, they are part of us. They are the type of friends that we can go out with and have a blast with, or we can literatley go over in our jammies and watch movies and play games and make ice cream sundays and just lounge around all night. It is like a big slumber party with them, and I love that. Everyone should have a Synn and Sherri in their lives. But thats another story. What I am saying is, that there was a time for me to be party girl and entertain everyone and be entertained 24/7, but it just isn't like that anymore, and by my own choice. I don't get the same level of satisfaction out of going out as I used to. Don't get me wrong, it is still fun in moderation, but to do it like I used to before husband and kid, ughhh, ya just can't do it all, somethings gotta give and it was an easy choice between that and my family.  Besides, when you are blessed with a husband and kid like mine, staying in or going out with just them is partying... sincerely, I laugh more with them than I used to in a room full of intriguing people. So letting go of some of my social life has slowed things down to a reasonable pace for me, although it hasn't come without its problems, but I digress. In the end the people that are really your friends will want what is best for you and your family and your health and they won't want you to stretch yourself too thin, or do anything that causes you pain or stress. Some other things I have come to terms with is that I will never be able to extiguish my "to do list" by the end of each day, so I stopped trying to do it all, I just do what I can in a day and whatever is still on the list by the time Anthony gets off work and the moms come to collect their children from me for the day, will wait. There is always tomorrow. I have realized that my washer and dryer will clean the clothes just as good today as they will tomorrow and it is not a crime if I go one more day before vacuuming the floors.  What won't wait are the moments Anthony, Gabe and I have together, to be completely present for each other to enjoy the fact that we are happy, we are healthy and we belong to each other, that is the reward we owe ourselves after all of the other million things we run around doing all day long. It makes it worth it, by the end of the day, when our heads hit our pillows we know, we have worked hard, and we have played hard, we have CHOSEN to make time for each other and be a family together. It refuels us, and readys us for the next day ahead, full of the unexpected, just waiting to be discovered and enjoyed.  And everyday, I am greatful, so eternally greatful that I learned young enough to not let life pass me by, to be aware and concious of my life and how I prioritize all the wonderfulness in it. At this pace I will always have time to know exactly what I am doing and why, I will never be just getting by, or going through the motions again. I will never win the rat race because I am not a part of it, and for that, I am so glad. If this is growing up, then I like it, I like it a lot.

Author's Note

ignore the personal connotations of those listed in my personal life, this was more of a journal entry than a piece for review, I'd still like your feedback, much appreciated.