And I Feel It Too

Emotions, are we allowed to feel what we feel wether good or bad and express it without penalty or judgement either from ourselves or others?

 

I think I need to hear someone tell me that it is okay to not be able to control your emotions all of the time. To just get permission somewhere to be allowed to feel like I am just holding on by the skin of my teeth and not feel devastated by the diagnosis. It can't be terminal, it can't be infinite and it certainly can't be unchangable. I need someone to brush by my shoulder and whisper in my ear that this is only life, and that no one day will be just like the other. We all have bad days and when it gets to be too much, we should all feel free to just want to give up, even when we know we really can't. There are so many things in my life that I have let fly right over my head and slip away through my fingers, and then there are those things that I stubbornly hang on to way too tightly and hide behind to keep from facing reality. I guess we all have our hang ups but mine seem to run me sometimes. I am full of love, and we all know love is most elusive and complicated, but love is easy for me. I have other problems, I have self problems, issue after embarassing issue. I would give anything to undertand me just a bit more. But I stopped talking a long time ago, I quit telling people how it really is when the going gets tough. I wanted to stop the pain I have inside and so I figured if I didn't speak of it ever again it would just go away, but I don't think it really works that way. It isn't that I have such a terrible life, that is the really screwed up part. I have some things that so many people would die for, a roof over my head, the love of a man that doesn't know how great he is, a beautiful son who can move me to tears with one sentence. I don't really have my health to speak of, or the financial stability that some people work themselves into depression and isolation for, but I don't know that I really need that. Health would be good, I would like to have my health back. I suppose it is one of those things that you don't really know how much you need and want it until it is threatend. To live with any sort of health problems poses challenges beyond what anyone could imagine. It isn't just physical pain, but after awhile it becomes so much more of an emotional issue. Your mind will go places you don't want it to go no matter how hard you try but it still lets you down. You learn to become a dissapointment to yourself, and you learn to blame yourself for the things you once could do but can no longer do. You see how much of a burden you are on the people you love and it drives you crazy to the core. It rips your heart out and smashes your hopes and dreams, your future is always an unknown. But then again, I guess everyone's is. I have it good compared to other people who can't claim their own health, I mean it isn't like I don't have legs to speak of, I just can't use them like I used to. It isn't like I am blind and can't see the world filled with all it's beauty, it is just that I can get so down that I forget to look for it. And it is certainly not as though I have been sentenced to death, although I must admit that sometimes I can get so overwhelmed that it feels like I am dying emotionally but to everyone else if I were to show it, I fear it would only be viewed as an exaggeration, so I find it better to just not discuss the bad things. 
The reality people is that NO ONE can be completely happy all of the time and I hope no one really believes that I can be, or that I am. I am so super sensitive. I feel deeply, I love deeply, and therefore, on the contrary, I get hurt deeply too. My good times are REALLY great, beyond happy, but I pay the price with my bad times. They are never just bad, they are scraping the bottom of the pit bad, hopeless, helpless, unfixable bad. I let fear drive me most of the time, fear of feeling the bad, fear of losing the good, fear of giving up, fear of people I love giving up on me. And I sort of set the stage for the bad inviting all of this excessive fear. It isn't something I choose to concsiously do, it really does sort of just happen to me, it invades me and pushes its way through my body like lightening striking, leaving me rolling like thunder for too long in the same sick storm. The worst part is, I know it doesn't only affect me, but it affects everyone around me too. Most days I would rather hide it and keep it from them, but when people really know you, it is hard to fake it. They can see right through you, even if they don't want to see your pain, they feel it. It isn't fair for them, it isn't their fault and there is nothing they can do to fix it, but they continue to live with it, scared of when the next mountain will crumble. They walk on a sea of eggshells around me always testing the water to make sure I am not on the verge of tears. I guess what I am saying is that I want to stop being so hard on myself for feeling down about things in my life that I should have every right to be sad about. Sure, I like to be the optimist, I like to see the bright side, and I choose hope over dispair. But I would like to be able to own my feelings good or bad, happy or sad, right or wrong without anyone passing judgement on me. Because really, you only know as much about someone as they tell you and the rest is all just assumptions and usually they are wrong anyway. 
I am sure I am just babbling now, but there still feels like a well of emotion inside of me that I need to pour out, I don't know, maybe someday I will...

Maybe a happy life, a good life, doesn't have to be wonderful ALL of the time and everything will still be okay in the end... I think so, but then again, I am just a simple minded girl reluctant to grow up and face her fears and fighting to make a difference.