And It Meant Everything To Me

A story of the simple things in the world being used to confound the wise. How life can be moving at a break neck speed and we feel we are doing all we can to keep up but we are still not doing good enough, just to find out when and where it is least exp

 

And It Meant Everything To Me...  Current mood:  thankful  Category: Life First things first, I have admittedly been feeling more stressed than usual these past few months. And so when I awoke to greet the day bright and early this morning I was determined to let nothing shake or break me. I knew I had some things to accomplish aside from the norm of work and housekeeping, volunteering and mothering, so I took a deep breath and stretched out in the bed and cuddled down into the blankets for a few more minutes before I could convince myself to commit my feet to the floor for the day because I just wasn't quite ready yet. I knew once I got up it would surely be awhile before I would be sitting back down again, let alone laying down, it always is when you are a mother.  I have recently decided, after assessing myself that I needed an attitude adjustment. It was brought to my attention that I have been entirely too harsh on myself. So, I have made a promise to no longer bad mouth myself, no more seemingly harmless negative self talk for me, no sir, I am only thinking positive from here out. Ever since I read that it takes TEN positive statements to erase just ONE negative, I figured my "innocent" negativity was probably causing more harm than I could ever imagine, thus resulting in more negative moods than I wanted to deal with. I don't want to be a negative person, I don't think anyone really does, and certainly people don't enjoy being around negativity either, it just isn't fun by any stretch of the imagination. So I have since changed my self dialogue, and so far, so good, changes have been made, and I have already noticed positive results in my mood, in my attitude and even in my outlook and oddly enough even in my appearance too. And apparently I am not the only one who has taken notice either so that is a nice little bonus! So, anyway back to today, ahhh yes today, well usually when I have a busy week ahead or a particularly full day, a stressful event or bad news, I would huff and puff and moan and groan and maybe even throw a mini fit pity party and begin to call up everyone I know on the phone and email everyone else I can't reach by phone to complain and fuss to them to get some attention and sympathy and in essence do everything in my power to avoid dealing with what was going on. Today, instead, I just said a quick prayer, bit down hard on my lip and sucked in the deepest breath I could muster that early in the morning and just busted thru the day head on, not slowing down for a minute to stop and sulk about any of what lay ahead for me. Sure, I am feeling the stress of things, finances are beyond bad right now, my health issues are rearing back up and I still don't have insurance to cover me, I am wanting to finish out my last year of college at Avila but we just don't have the resources to pay off my student loan that is now in default for non payment so I can't go back until that is addressed and I feel, well, a little more than stuck to say the least. I know that if I could finish out that degree in just one year, I would be holding in my hands that long awaited, hard earned degree and be ready to snag an amazingly rewarding and well paying job at about the same time Gabriel would be starting his first year at school. The timing would be not just a little bit perfect.  Well, anyway, there are some other issues going on that are weighing pretty heavily on me today especially so I have been spending a good portion of my day in prayer and deep in thought and meditation over what my next step is to be. I know that there is a perfect plan and will for my life and I know that there is a well thought out direction for me to follow, I just want to make sure I don't miss hearing God on what that is supposed to be. So seeking Him out during chaotic times like these is more than important to me. It is in times just like these that we have amazing opportunities to hear from Him and draw nearer to Him and do what it is that He has designed us to do for His glory and purpose and that will be in turn the best thing for our lives as well. I see it like this, we are all like puzzle pieces and I can just picture Him up there putting all the pieces of life together, fitting us in place just perfectly, so carefully and delicately making all of the oddly shaped figures to fit in one to the other, linking up together to complete a portion of the puzzle unknown to us at the time, but in the end all comes together to reveal a beautiful landscape full of color and beauty.  Well, I had managed to make it all the way thru my day, well into the evening, my stress waxing and waning throughout the day, my negativity kept at bay. All the while always multitasking, reminicing about the days I took for granted the pure and simple pleasure of doing only one thing at a time. I started to feel like all my work was in vain, all of my calm exterior and my understanding was going unnoticed and I began to feel a little bitterness trying to rise up. I had just said goodbye to the boys I babysit, and finished picking up the house, and was now cooking dinner when I felt the negativity mounting, so I breathed as deeply as I could without passing out and I told myself "nope, I won't do it, I refuse to let myself get selfish here, I will continue being happy, I will continue being thankful, I will have peace, I will push on, I notice that I am doing a good job and that is good enough!" I said it like a skipping record to myself all the way through tidying up the kitchen as the dinner cooked, and as Gabriel asked me question after question after four-year-old fascinating question. I begged the timer to go off so the dinner and the interrogation drill would end. Finally what seemed like hours, which in reality was only minutes later I was plating food and pouring milk and leaving Gabriel alone with his food so that I could go back to the kitchen to clean up and finally have some hope in sight to the end of the day drawing neigh, some peace ahead, I knew I would be sitting down soon. As I walked away I felt the nagging grump again as I thought, "gee, Gabriel could have said 'thanks mom, for the dinner you made me' but noooo!!!" and yet again, I resisted and I didn't allow my thoughts to go past that, although it would have been nice to have at least a thank you, if anything it would be good manners, and I made a mental note to remind him for next time.  Just when I had finished the last dish and dried my hands off it happened. I heard Gabriel's small voice from behind me, I knew he hadn't had time yet to finish his meal, it was too soon, so I turned around to hear what he needed from me this time, to hear the most beautiful words my son has ever uttered in his four and a half years and that my ears have ever heard in my nearly twenty nine. I am now crying as I write this, reliving it, and yet it just happend not two hours ago... He said to me, standing solidly tall and unusally still, "You are such a nice mommy for all you do, Jesus told me I needed to come and tell you that right now, and so I did, and I also wanted to tell you that I love you and I never want any other mommy than you, cause no other mommy can be as nice as you are!" The words floated around in my head and dangled in the air between us as I soaked them up with my heart and they filled me up with more love than I think I have ever felt. This was an acknowledgement from my son, yes, but more it was my confirmation and my encouragement from God, my sign that He was indeed hearing and seeing me try my best here, and I just wanted to break down right then and there and cry tears of gratitude and joy, and just let go of everything all at once. Instead I smiled and said, "well thank you Gabriel, you are the nicest son ever and I love you, Jesus really blessed me with you." I gave him a big hug and I held on just a little bit longer, making sure to remember how he felt against me, knowing that he is growing up so fast and that someday not too long from now he will be washing up from making his own kids' dinner and I will still be cherishing this moment in our kitchen together.  I watched as he turned the corner and went back to his dinner and I let my tears begin to fall. I stood there alone now in the kitchen, but somehow feeling surrounded, and whispered, "Thank you Jesus, thank you for recognizing what I am doing down here, thank you for being enough, and thank you for my son." I don't know if I will ever really get every little thing checked off of my "To-Do List" or not, or if I will ever not have these same kinds of stressful days, or even if my bank account will ever really not have issues, but I do know this, I really do have everything I could ever need and more right inside of my heart and inside of Gabriel and Anthony. There is no greater thing than love, and we for sure have plenty of that. I can't say for sure, but, I am thinking tomorrow the sun will be shining just a little bit brighter and I will be smiling just a little bit bigger.

Author's Note

This is my first time sharing, any and all feedback is welcome. Thank you for taking the time to read my writing.

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[jmt8921]

The myspace blog is kinda hard to read, just because of the formatting. If you copyed and pasted it into the writerscafe thing, it might make it easier to read.