Your On My Mind Constantly!

CopyRight of Whitevampire1184/Cal Vance Poems @2008

"Your On My Mind Constantly!"

Written By.Cal Vance

 

                           Your in my mind constantly and seeing your face makes my heart stop and think about you more and more each time.You are so beautiful like a rose.....and when I see your smile and smile back because its so beautiful and your beautiful and I hope my love for you will be in your mind too.I couldn't let my love for you drift away like a lot of people say it is gonna do.Your so special to me and can't get enough of you and your special self because when I see you everyday and stare at you...my mind goes crazy.I'm lonely without you...I need you in my life and the reason of loving you is simply.....what my heart feels and what it seeks is you and you alone.Your so gorgeous and everything about you is perfect in every damn way!!! I love you......o so much and my love will continue until we are truly together and when we are dead in our graves.....side by side!!!!!

I love you<3

Reviews

[Vanessa]

This is completely meaningful, I can tell. It seems that you write of this someone quite often. And this bit is lovely. Althought there are grammatical errors, it doesn't even matter. Because you seem passionate about these type things and this person.

It seems that you are deeply intent in this person. And it shows in your work.
Good job.
--Vanessa Alyse

[Emily]

Okay, I have three points I need to address that will cause people to take you more seriously as a writer/poet. This isn't to critique your skill or your passion for writing; I think that it is quite obvious that you are true in that. This is just to help.

Point One: You need to use proper grammar/spelling in your writing. Maybe not first draft (I know many writers who can't spell half of the words they type, and you're much further along than them in this), but you definitely want things you post on this site to be taken seriously. When you use the word 'your', you're talking about something that the 'you' in that instance possesses. Like if I were to talk about 'your piece'.

"You're" is what you're looking for in your piece more often. It is a contraction of the words 'you' and 'are'. Literally, "you're quite serious" translates to "you are quite serious".

Point Two: Separate your paragraphs/lines, please. Nobody likes clicking on something that's referred to as a 'story' and seeing an eleven-line block of text. Make it more cohesive, and then separate that block into different paragraphs with different ideas. It will make your piece look much more professional, and then you'll enjoy a lot more reviews =) Oh, and don't center it please.

Point Three: Tone it down a bit. Love poems can be exciting (love /is/ exciting, after all), but exclamation points don't express that point, and neither do the sequences of periods. Instead, go for imagery and visualization. You've got some great potential at some points, such as when you state "You are so beautiful like a rose...". See, that could be extended and made more exciting, just by adding some things. "Your beauty is comparable to a rose in the dawn, with the red rays of morning reflecting their light off of the dewdrops" or something. I'm not a poet myself.

Those three things would make you seem much more professional, and more people would probably comment.

Also, I would like to apologize about my heavy critique of this piece, but I don't like seeing potential go to waste. You've got the passion, but you just need the practice.

One last thing, too. Don't bluff with the copyright. While the U.S. might be on the Berne Convention rules, you still have to go through registration with your pieces to make them legally copyrighted, and people would look at it to see just how much work went into the piece before they granted you one.