When the Silence Shatters

The breeze gently brushes my face as I stare off into the comfort of an orange sunset. Often, I find myself sitting here on this hilltop just allowing the world to continue to turn all around me. I close my eyes, hoping for an answer from the horizon, but the voices inside my head start to pick up speed.  

“You’d rather disappear than be seen as anything less than perfect,” the voice sneers.

“Unworthy.”

I take a deep breath. My head starts to pound from the sheer intensity of my thoughts, constantly running through me repeatedly.

“Are you even good enough?” it whispers.

“Nobody cares about what you think!” the voice bellows.

“You don’t matter,” echoes, over and over.

“You thought you were wanted in this space; you know you can’t do anything right?”

My breathing starts to pick up pace and suddenly the beautiful horizon turns into a watery mess. I can’t make out the sun anymore. Calm down I beg myself.

“Relax…please just breathe,” I try to soothe, but the voices won’t let up.

“You think you’re the only one with problems, don’t you?” another voice counters. “Stop crying. People have bigger problems than you.”

“Stop… you’re fine,” I plead.

Sweat pulses down my forehead, and my damp palms are clenched tight. Heat rises from my skin, nausea churning in my stomach. When did I start breathing so fast? My chest rises and falls with quick succession as I struggle to find some breath. My heartbeat pounds in my ears�"a steady, relentless percussion. Everything spins, everything is too fast. Calm down. Breathe. All I wanted was one quiet moment, just me and the sunset. How did I end up here?

A deep breath in.

Slow breathe out.

“Again, breathe in, and out.”

The world stops spinning. The alluring sunset that I longed to look for has faded into a deep violet sky. My pulse slows as I stand up, devasted that I had missed it.

What just happened to me?