Of Head Bad Guys and Harpoons Part 5

There's a bit o' action, a chase scene AND a cliffhanger... and a monkey. What more could you ask for?

 

Of Head Bag Guys and Harpoons Part 5

“Did you have to bring the monkey along?” asked Magnificent Cow. The Crunch smiled, patted the monkey on his back and replied, “What can I say? She’s grown on me.” He laughed as the primate tickled his neck and he bill and cooed for awhile. Magnificent Cow decided to hang with SassyLass Ravenwood, quickly identifying her as the lesser of three crazies.

“Hey!” the Crunch cried out as the monkey (who is turns out is in league with the bad guys) took off. Feeling dejected, the Crunch subsequently pouted; fish lips, crossed arms and all.

The two cows and SassyLass were trailing BroadChest Jones, the avant-garde savant with savoir-fare to spare, and the only protagonist with any clear idea of their aim. And that goes for the author, too.

Locals brushed past the group, merchants yelled product endorsements but few paid any attention to the conspicuous group winding their way through the Cairo marketplace. Even so, Broady kept a close eye out. He thoroughly and discreetly inspected all passing persons for anything suspicious like darty eyes or fake moustaches or-

“Broady!” cried out the Crunch as bad guys (baddies) suddenly surrounded him.  

FYI: Baddies= guys with weapons and ill-intent.

SassyLass hurried to help fight them off but Broady shouted, “Sassy move!” and knocked out a guy heading for her.

“Run away as far as you can!” Broady instructed her and ran over to save the cows. SassyLass was left to contend with the other 49 guys closing in on her. She chuckled and casually flicked a speck off of her shoulder. The baddies never knew what hit them.  

“Chi-kow! Loofa! Bammy-Wham!” Broady cried as he fought off baddies with nought but his fists. The Crunch, inspired by Broady’s 60’s kitsch fighting, grabbed the nearest object he could find, which happened to be a saucepan. He slammed it onto his head, winced then charged into the crowd. 

Magnificent Cow, less inspired, hid in the nearest and widest basket he could find, which really wasn’t that wide. The baddies soon found and cownapped him with help from the evil monkey. But back to the marketplace battle:   

Having “dispensed” with her 49 attackers, SassyLass rushed to help Broady only to have him grasp her arms and swing her into a hay-filled cart. He shouted melodramatically, “Save yourself!” and kept fighting. Unfortunately, he overshot a little bit and she flew into a horde of people, bowling them over. They took it as a sign of aggression and started throwing their own women at Broady. He and the Crunch ducked, desperately trying to avoid the unconventional ammunition. The indignant crowd eventually ran out of women to toss and sat back to watch.

The onlookers parted as the last baddy approached Broady. He watched exhaustedly as the guy showed off to the crowd. Broady coolly pulled out his gun and shot him. However his gun wasn’t loaded so SassyLass quickly jumped in with her shotgun. Broady pretended not to notice and ushered her towards the now frantic Crunch.

“Have you guys seen Maggie?” the Crunch asked, anxiously. Broady shook his head and searched the few people left standing for his other cow friend.

“I saw him struggling to get into a basket before!” exclaimed SassyLass, “Do you think the baddies could have found him?” The three of them worriedly looked at each other before tearing through the marketplace, preparing to search high and low for the basket. They watched dismayed as a sea of baskets walked up and down the next street.

The people there shouted indignantly as our trio pushed over their baskets, trying to uncover Magnificent Cow. The Crunch wrung his hands. SassyLass pulled out her weapon in a cavalier manner, prompting the annoyed basket-carriers to back away.

“Over here!” yelled Broady. He watched two men run holding a basket with a tail hanging out of it. They disappeared around a corner but Broady took off after them, closely followed by the Crunch and SassyLass. Our heroes found the baddies just in time to see them jump into a truck and start it up. The quick-thinking SassyLass pulled out her shotgun and immobilised the driver, who slumped over the steering wheel causing the truck to turn sharply and fall over. Feasible, I know.

My three protagonists cheered and high-fived until the truck unexpectedly blew up; the flames eagerly licking the sky. Their cheers died down. The Crunch broke the silence to comment, “What a disproportionate explosion.” Then it dawned on him. Oh no! Maggie!

*

It was SassyLass’ idea to head to the nearest bar, where she and Broady proceeded to solemnly alcoholize and glance around glumly. Of course, the Crunch was loudly inconsolable; he downed tequila shot after tequila shot and wailed.

The monkey had returned and was on their table. The Crunch absentmindedly patted it but then bit his fist in sorrow as he recalled his lost friend’s fondness for the primate. I’m not quite certain why the monkey was there; perhaps it was remorseful because of it’s involvement in Magnificent Cow’s fiery demise. Or maybe it’s a sadist. I dunno; I’m only the author. 

*

Will the Crunch ever get over his grief? Has Magnificent Cow really been burnt to a crisp? What’s with the monkey, seriously? Tune in to the next instalment of ”Of Head Bad Guys and Harpoons” to find out!