Of Head Bad Guys and Harpoons Part 3

Things are heating up!

 

Of Head Bad Guys and Harpoons Part Three

“I love your hat,” the Crunch fawned, watching BroadChest Jones with his head cocked, lovingly. Beaming, Broady got comfortable on the sole bed in the aeroplane and replied suggestively, “Well, you know what they say about the size of a man’s hat.” The Crunch’s eyebrows almost hit the roof and his tail swished back and forth excitedly. Broady chuckled and settled his hat over his eyes; preparing to sleep. Lying down beside Broady’s bed, on the floor, the Crunch called out, “How you doing, Maggie?”

When the two cows had discovered that another more rickety plane was to take them to their next destination, they had had different reactions. The Crunch had jumped around excitedly whilst Magnificent Cow wailed and declared that he was not going to go. However, his good sense flew out the window when the Crunch slyly reminded him of the money that he owed Magnificent Cow. 

“Maggie?”

“Shut up,” was the muffled response from Magnificent Cow, trying to see over the numerous life jackets currently strapped to him.

*

Cue the love interesteye candy. In the middle of a bar no less, she sat on one side of a big table; opposite her was a fat, hairy man who looked like Nepal’s answer to Norm from Cheers. The somewhat mismatched pair was surrounded by a crowd of enthusiastic barflies, egging them on.

SassyLass Ravenwood (the girl’s name…did I not mention that?) took a long sip of her alcoholic beverage and slammed the mug on the table, triumphantly. “I’m brazen!” she shouted and waited for BigFatGuyWhoRemindsTheAuthorOfNormFromCheers to sip his drink. He didn’t get the chance, however, and drunkenly keeled over. The crowd burst into laughter and applause and handed over their money to SassyLass. She grinned, tossed her hair back and loudly told them all to leave. Her bar was closed for the night. “Yeah, I’m not to be messed with, I’m not,” she murmured to herself as she cleaned up.

*

“Wait, wait, wait!” the Crunch exclaimed, “This person we’re going to collect the artefact from is a woman? From your past?!” He stopped dead in his tracks.

Broady nodded, unsure of why the Crunch’s ears were turning pink. “I worked for her father…(cue back story) Are you okay?”

The Crunch took a few deep breaths and replied, tightly, “I’m fine. Looking forward to meeting this chick!” With that, he ran ahead of the other two. Broady shrugged and Magnificent Cow sniggered.  

*

SassyLass suddenly noticed a shadow on the wall opposite her. She thought, “Is it-Is it him?” The owner of the shadow suddenly revealed himself and SassyLass thought bewilderedly, “Uh- he’s put on a few.”

“BroadChest Jones. I always knew some day you'd come walking back through my door.,” the girl drawled, marching over to the Crunch and punching his face.

“Ow! What the crikey f*** was that for!” the Crunch protested.

“I’m sassy!” SassyLass yelled back and threw her chest out, not unlike Mick Jagger.

Broady and Magnificent Cow entered the bar and looked confusedly at the scene in front of them. SassyLass gasped, hurried over to Broady and slapped him. “I’m really sassy!” she yelled and pouted, not unlike Mick Jagger.

“I know you’re angry, Lassy,” Broady said, soothingly, “but I was hoping we could talk.” SassyLass stiffened at the use of her nickname and the familiarity he exuded but her curiosity got the better of her. She allowed Broady to lead her into a corner for a private discussion. The Crunch craned his neck to see what was going on between them, ready to forcefully intervene should the conversation grow too intimate for his liking. He turned around just in time to slap away Magnificent Cow’s… hand from grabbing his wallet.

“I told you! I’ll pay you back when we get home!” exclaimed the Crunch, annoyed. Magnificent Cow, equally frustrated, responded, “When will that be? After Mr BigHeaded finishes his secret little mission? Or after you get that hug from him that you’re been waiting for?”

“Pshaw! That’s ridiculous!” answered the Crunch, “and I will get that hug,” he thought to himself.     

The sound of someone clearing their throat interrupted the Crunch’s musing. He found himself staring down the barrel of 5 guns. Magnificent Cow gulped and put his…hands in the air. The Crunch slowly lifted his arm and held up two…fingers. “Peace?” he suggested, hopefully. He looked over at Broady for help, who was sneaking behind the armed men ready to unleash an attack. Before Broady could get his whip out however, a gun was pressed against his head.

“Vell, vell, vell…Docterl Jones, it seems I have you in my grasp yet again and this time,” Head Bad Guy paused for dramatic effect, “you won’t slip through my fingers.”

The Crunch bit his fist to keep from crying out in fear for his hero. The chocking sound the Crunch made momentarily diverted Head Bad Guy’s attention, allowing Broady to quickly disarm his captor.

“Now, who’s got the upper hand?” asked Broady smugly to the defenceless Head Bad Guy. The sound of 5 guns cocking quickly answered that.

“Oh, yeah,” Broady said, lamely. A wild cackling from behind the bar made everyone turn around. SassyLass was standing on the bar counter holding a shotgun in each hand and smoking a cigar.

“I got your back!” the girl yelled, struggling to keep the cigar in her mouth. The men and cows couldn’t make out what she was saying but the guns kind of spoke for themselves.

The two cows flew behind the counter and hid behind it; closely followed by Broady. Before the armed men could respond, SassyLass started firing haphazardly and laughing maniacally.

“You dated her?” Crunch inquired. SassyLass doubled over with laughter as she made the henchmen dance with her weapons.

“What can I say?” Broady answered breathlessly, “She is… a pistol.” And with that, he leaped over the counter clutching his whip. A re-armed Head Bad Guy and Broady circled each other waiting for the other to attack first.   

Magnificent Cow whimpered and threw his arms over his head; the Crunch watched the macho Broady with unabashed adoration. Magnificent Cow waved a white flag from behind the counter, distracting Head Bad Guy long enough for Broady to put him out of action with his whip. Ka-zaam! Coo-chuh! Other such fighting sounds!

“Time to go!” declared Broady and the Crunch followed him outside carrying a foetal Magnificent Cow.  

“Wait! Don’t forget the sassy one whose bar you just destroyed!” fumed SassyLass and took off after them. The Crunch abruptly dropped Magnificent Cow in the dirt and crossed his arms, watching jealously as the girl looked defiantly at BroadChest. Magnificent Cow took his thumb out of his mouth and shakily stood up.

“We going or what?” he squeaked.