Of Head Bad Guys and Harpoons

They're back! And this time they inexplicably stumble across a cave and a well-loved character. Maybe a little too well-loved, eh Crunch?

 

Part 1

“Holy missing relatives, Crunch! There’s a boulder rolling straight for us!” Magnificent Cow yelped, his voice echoing around the cliché dimly-lit cave.

“Not to mention a heart-stoppingly handsome man with tremendous acting range and a broad chest...” the Crunch swooned.  

“You’re happy to see him. I get it!” Magnificent Cow interrupted Crunch. They realised that they were in danger of being flattened and fled.

 The man was the aptly named BroadChest Jones and he followed them at a manly pace as they all flew out of the cave. The boulder was too big to fit through the cave entrance and watched them run away, disappointed. The boulder moodily scuffed his toes and turned back.

 The man’s exit was somewhat manlier than the others, which hadn’t escaped the Crunch’s attention. Just as he was about to yawn and subtly move his arm around the startled stranger’s shoulders, a bunch of harpoon wielding bad guys surrounded them, pointing their weapons threateningly.

“Vell, vell, vell…it seems I harv you and your posse, Docterl Jones, (he pauses dramatically; the captured trio lean forward expectantly; one of the armed guys puts a ‘kick me’ sign on his back)…in my grasp!” finishes the Head Bad Guy triumphantly.

Magnificent Cow gulped and tried to think of a way of escaping. The Crunch cart wheeled internally as he discovered the handsome man’s last name.

BroadChest Jones jutted out his chin defiantly, oozed confidence and answered arrogantly, “Maybe!”  

“The Crunch…. Jones!” thought Crunch, dreamily.  

Magnificent Cow snapped his fingers in front of the Crunch’s face to remind him that he was in serious danger of being harpooned.

“No doubt about it. I have you now!” Head Bad Guy said, affronted.

“Maybe not.”

“M-Maybe so!”

“Oh yeah?” countered BroadChest and stuck out his tongue triumphantly.

Head Bad Guy hesitated as no retort of his could match the immaturity of that, so hestuck his chest out, glanced wistfully at his enemy’s impressive torso and commanded, “Shoot them.”

“Hold on now! Let’s not be hasty!” laughed Magnificent Cow, nervously, his eyes darting nervously about. The Crunch threw himself in front of BroadChest and shouted, “Nooooooooooooo!”

“I guess you don’t want the treasure-thing I risked death-by-boulder for then,” BroadChest said, casually inspecting his fingernails. Magnificent Cow whispered, “Leave the heroics to the one with the ripped shirt, eh?” The Crunch brushed the dirt off his knees, sheepishly.    

Head Bad Guy’s ears perked up and he turned around.

“You managed to collect the artefact? You were not stopped by Balderdash, the evil boulder who aches for company?” 

“Nope,” answered BroadChest, proudly.

“Well then, hand it over,” demanded Head Bad Guy and his army moved closer with their weapons.

BroadChest called out, “If you want it, come and get it!” The Crunch’s face lit up. BroadChest pulled the artefact out of his jacket and threw it as far as he could into the forest. The army ran after it, each grabbing for it hungrily. Head Bad Guy shouted at them to stop being so immature.

Meanwhile, BroadChest, Magnificent Cow and the Crunch took off in the other direction. They ran as fast as they could and boarded a plane conveniently waiting for them at the edge of the forest. BroadChest watched confused as the two cows scrambled into the plane but didn’t make a fuss.

As they were flying smoothly over the ocean, the introductions began.

“I’m BroadChest Jones,” the man said bewildered and held out his hand. The Crunch quickly elbowed Magnificent Cow out of the way and eagerly grabbed BroadChest’s hand.

“Hi, I’m the Crunch. I am a 20 year old domesticated ungulate and a big fan of yours,” he said, enthusiastically shaking the man’s hand. BroadChest grinned at this compliment and said warmly, “You can call me Broady.” The Crunch’s pupils became love hearts and he imagined himself and Broady running through a field of daisies together. The Crunch giggled shrilly and the man had to politely ask for his hand back.

Magnificent Cow rolled his eyes at the both of them and pulled his goggles down over his head. He watched as a red line documented their progress on a huge map and sighed. It was clearly the start of a new adventure.