Of Cows and Crunches

For anyone who ever felt the cold stab of jealousy...

Once upon a time there was a cow.

Mind you, this cow was not your run of the mill cow.

Oh sure, he had your garden variety black and white coat and your basic moo, but when it came to the crunch....he was magnificent.

Unfortunately this made some of the other not-so-magnificent-when-it-comes-to-the-crunch cows jealous.

Especially Fred.

One day he approached The Crunch and he asked, “Why can't I be as magnificent as the magnificent cow?”

The Crunch stuttered, “W-well, you see, not..not everyone can handle me. I-I come

with a lot of b-b-b-baggage and ecce-centricities and some cows just are not r-ready for that. They got their own stuff to d-deal with.”

The Crunch offered an apologetic look to Fred. He felt bad.

“Well, I want to be magnificent! I am going to be magnificent and you can't stop me!”

He stormed away in a jealous rage and went looking for this 'magnificent' cow.

Who just happened to be dancing on a hill in the distance.

Fred approached the hill and watched the other cow enviously.

“Stop that.” Fred climbed the hill and commanded, annoyed at his frivolity.

“Stop what?” the magnificent cow asked, dreamily.

“Stop that needless twirlin. Its makin me dizzy just watching you,” Fred said, jealously.

“I happen to like needless twirlin. It makes me happy. Keeps me magnificent.” the magnificent cow replied.

_Uh-huh! So that's the key to his magnificence! Needless twirlin!_ Fred's inner monologue said, excitedly.

Fred started to twirl.

Unfortunately, he wasn't the best twirling cow and the other cows pointed and laughed at him.

“Am I magnificent yet?” Fred called out to The Crunch, trying to ignore the snickering cows.

The Crunch didn't respond. He was hiding behind a tree; not wanting to upset Fred any further.

Fred huffed angrily and twirled faster.

“No, thats not how you twirl needlessly! Ya got to be more carefree about it. Light on your feet! Light on your feet!” the magnificent cow exclaimed.

Fred tried to be 'light on his feet' and lifted his short legs higher but his energy wore out and he collapsed in a heap on top of the hill in the distance.

“I can't go on any longer!” Fred despaired, “I might as well face it! I don't got what it takes to be magnificent!”

He burst into hopeless tears, curled up into the fetal position and began to rock slowly back and forth.

The magnificent cow stopped his twirlin and paused to look at the sobbing cow next to him.

“There, there old chum. Not everyone can be magnificent like me, “ consoled the magnificent cow, “Some cows were just born for mediocrity. Its hereditary. And if there is one thing I've learned it's that you can't fight dominant genes.”

The magnificent cow stopped talking and stole a glance at Fred to see if his words had landed.

They hadn't.

The magnificent cow sighed and went on, “You know, there are many other homely cows here. Its not like you're the only one. Besides, anyone who has even an inch of magnificence can tell you what a lonely, empty life it is. Its not all its cracked up to be. I can tell you that much now. I mean, do you really want it? Do you?”

Fred looked up, sniffing and said, quietly, “I guess not.”

“Thats ma boy!” the magnificent cow said, jovially, “Now you run along and play with the other ordinary joes out there and take comfort in the fact that you're not alone in being mediocre.”

Fred reluctantly limped off and joined the herd.

The Crunch sauntered up to the magnificent cow, trying to whistle inconspicuously and pretend that he hadn't witnessed Fred's meltdown.

“Hey, M-magnificent cow?”

“Been spying again, 'ave we?” asked Magnificent cow amusedly.

The Crunch adopted an indignant look and said, “ I s-swear on my mother's g-grave that I haven't!”

“Oh, please Crunch! I saw you trying to fit your lanky frame behind that tree over there.”

The Crunch lowered his head, embarassed.

“Besides,” the magnificent cow continued, “you don't have a mother. Page 57 subsection 9 of the Crunch charter clearly states that no Crunch shall adopt a human family as their own.”

“I know, I kn-now,” The Crunch muttered sullenly.

An uncomfortable silence fell over the two. The Crunch decided to break it.

“Hey, M-magnificent cow?”

“Yes, Crunch?”

“D-did you real-ly mean what you s-said about m-magnificence being l-lonely and not all its c-c-cracked up to be?” he asked, curiously.

“God, no! I mean, look at them over there. Revelling in their mediocrity. I wasn't meant for that life,” Magnificent cow mused, solemnly, “I'm the loner. The rebel. I guess you could compare me to James Dean, really. We're both misunderstoods just lookin for love.”

“W-well, I'm always here, M-magnificent cow,” The Crunch reassured him tentatively.

“I know, Crunch, I know.”

The rest of the day was spent twirlin on the hill in the distance.