Dr Thopaedic.

Another Reason Why I Love My Wife…

…And that’s for her amazing resistance to the sensation of acute physical hurt or discomfort caused by illness or injury. Quite simply ladies and gentlemen my wife has a pain threshold so high that it would make even the toughest mixed martial artist or professional boxer drool with dog like admiration from their slackened jackhammer jaws.

 Not that my wife can take a punch or anything, she’s a giver not a taker in that department, which reminds me of a quote she’s fond of saying:

‘In this house I wear the trousers and you wear the scars!’ A sentiment I’m somewhat forced to agree with.

Lately, however, my wife has been going on about how much she’s got this great big pain in the a*s. I normally attribute my lack of response to the fact that I am immune from the vocal range her voice drops to when she starts whinging. Luckily for my wife though she is able to drive her point home via a swift knee to the groin. And so, after a quick rendition of ‘walking in the air’, I decided to do something about it.

Dr Thopaedic, a name that kept cropping up again and again, why, he even had his own department in every hospital in the country.

‘WOW!’ I said to myself, realising this guy was nothing short of a miracle worker, and if he couldn’t cure my wife then no one could.

And so, without another second’s hesitation I bundled my wife into the car and headed off for the nearest hospital.

‘You’ve come to see who?’ Asked the receptionist, scanning through the computer for the name I’d just given her.

‘Dr Thopaedic,’ I repeated, slowly and surely. ‘The famous Dr Thopaedic.’

The receptionist typed in the name again and then frowned deeply. ‘I’m sorry, sir,’ she said, looking a trifle confused, ‘but we don’t seem to have a Dr Thopaedic that works here.’

I have been fobbed off and lied to countless times before and so I knew all the signs that this pretentious prima-donna was now showing.

‘Look!’ I said, deciding to use the same strategy myself. ‘I’ve spoken to him not an hour ago and I can assure you- Miss, that Dr Thopaedic is expecting us!’

To let her know just how determined I was and that I wasn’t going to take no for an answer, I gave a well- timed bang on the counter with my fist and then glared at her, unblinking.

The first time I realised I wasn’t standing on my own two feet was when the security guard flipped me around and held me in mid- air with one of his huge shovel like hands. It was in a vice like grip around my neck.

‘Time you were leaving,’ he grunted at me.

‘Please, let me explain…’ I garbled, trying in vain to break away from his grip. ‘…You don’t understand. My wife’s got a god awful pain in the backside and I’m going to see she gets rid of it once and for all,’ I managed to somehow splutter again.

Hearing this made the security guard pause for a moment, his salon bought suntanned face suddenly turning bright crimson.

‘No s**t!’ He said, smiling broadly. And then he threw me through some double doors and into a corridor.

I landed next to an extremely old woman with a rather cumbersome wooden stoop attached to her back.

‘Morning,’ she said, suddenly shitting herself.

I didn’t answer, or breathe. Instead I sat there and gawped through the hazy stench and at a sign above her head. Dr Thopaedic Department, it read, or seemed to read. Anyway I’d found it! I’d only gone and found it!

‘Are you waiting to see Dr Thopaedic?’ I asked finally, pointing up at the sign.

The old woman shook her hump and scratched at her scab. ‘It’s pronounced Orthopaedic Department,’ she said, glaring at me as if I were some kind of crazed lunatic.

I smiled politely back at the crazy old broad and decided that my wife would just have to put up with her pain in the a*s for a little while longer.

 

Reviews

[alanwgraham]

I like these tongue in cheek stories with a punchline and your one is good. They are hard to find on WCafe. The humour runs right through to the end which can be hard to maintain.
Well done.
Alan

[Wayne Riley]

Thank you Alan for your wonderful comment. I really appreciate it and by the way I love your hair.