Scoop!

‘It wor like bein’ struck wi lightenin’, white lightenin’ an’all,’ explained Stumpy Reed, raising his eyebrows in astonishment and blowing his cheeks out at the very thought of what had happened to him. ‘I’ve ad absences before,’ Stumpy went on, ‘but nothin’ on this scale. One minute i wor in a club avin a drink and chattin’ up these two fat birds. Not proper fat but fat enough to be called fat, if yer know what i mean, an’ the next minute i wor sprawled out on the beach wi this annoyin’ little shite of a kid who’s building a sandcastle on mi face.’

Miss Scoop De ville paused her pen for a moment just above her note pad, looked up from it and frowned deeply over towards Stumpy, regarding him with a seriousness she had not shown since her pet budgerigar, Porche Vectra had been sucked through the bars of her cage by her Mums vacuum cleaner 4 months previously, leaving the bewildered bird with a permanent speech impediment and a fear of loud humming noises. Miss scoops ability to connect with ‘the common people’, as she liked to put it, gave her city and guilds certificate in creative writing a real sense of worth and had led her to seek out and fulfil her ambition of becoming a journalist, and this, her first assignment for the ‘Sound as A Pound’ stores bi-monthly news letter to find in the quaint little seaside village of Gritty Sands, the most grittiest man, an assignment that would make her more than just a checkout girl and set her well on the way to achieving her goal.

‘So what you’re telling me,’ she said, going over the facts again and making sure she hadn’t missed anything, ‘is that one minute you were enjoying a drink in a pub somewhere in the North of England and the next moment you woke up 25 years later beneath the Promenade here at gritty Sands, is that right?’

Stumpy, who had agreed to meet the fresh faced young would - be reporter in a small cafe overlooking the south beach promenade, the precise place where he had regained consciousness following his alleged abduction, nodded his head in agreement.

‘Uhh �" huumm,’ he mumbled, tucking into a breakfast belly buster, courtesy of miss De �" Ville. ‘An’ av still got nut brittle comin’ out mi arse too. It wor the last thing i ad to eat before...well, yer know. So that proves my sphincter wasn’t tinkered wi.’ A statement which affirmed, if only in his own mind that no probing ever took place.  Stumpy greedily swallowed down half a sausage and then continued. ‘An’ that tape i sent yer, it’s the most compellin’ piece ov evidence �" EVER �" in the history of absences and abductions anywhere that tape is. An’ jus’ ter think, eh, if that bleedin’ little kid ad’ve put one more spadeful ov sand on mi face i wouldn’t be ‘ere nah an’ all that proof would’av been lost �" forever. It’s a good job av got over enthusiastic adenoids, ah can snot a green- un art more than 3 feet wi these little beauties.’ And with that stumpy flared out his nostrils and snorted so fiercely that they actually rippled with the sheer force of it, causing his eyes to water profusely as a large, sticky green globule of mucus went flying across the room, coming to a resounding splat against the opposing wall.

Miss De-Ville, who had painstakingly made an exact transcript of the recording, paid no mind to the disgusting display Stumpy had just shown and proceeded, quite professionally too, to read it out in the hope that this would jog his memory as to what really happened in those lost 25 years of his.

(It must be noted here for the readers benefit that the identities of the voices in the recording could not be accurately identified, so miss de-Ville, upon advice from her Mum chose the following names:

Unidentified #1

Unidentified #2

Frog voice #1 through to #4.

Here then is the exact transcript:

Unidentified #1: You shot me!

Unidentified #2: Yes.

Unidentified #1: You actually went and shot me!

Unidentified #2: Yes, i know.

Unidentified #1: Without warning you went and shot me.

Unidentified #2: Sorry.

Unidentified #1: Sorry!

Unidentified #2: Well, i thought the loud bang would give you plenty of warning.

Unidentified #1: For what?

Unidentified #2: For whatever �" time...

Unidentified #1: what?

Unidentified #2: Time, you know, to do whatever...

Unidentified #1: Oh, i get it. You mean you’ve given me plenty of time to start bleeding all over the place, is that right?

Unidentified #2: I was angry.

Unidentified #1: Angry?

Unidentified #2: yeah, and confused.

Unidentified #1: So why couldn’t you be angry and confused and a lousy shot too?

Unidentified #2: I said i was sorry.

Unidentified #1: Give me the gun!

Unidentified #2: What?

Unidentified #1: Give me the god damn gun!

Unidentified #2: Why?

Unidentified #1: Because now I’m angry and confused.

Unidentified #2: it doesn’t help.

Unidentified #1: I don’t care �" just give me the gun!

Unidentified #2: No.

Unidentified #1: Look, if i come over there i swear I’ll start bleeding all over you so give me the god damn gun!

Unidentified #2: NOOOOO....!

Unidentified #1: Ok that’s it, I’m coming over!

Unidentified #2: No...Don’t...

Heavy footsteps and then a loud bang are heard.

Unidentified #1: Jesus Christ almighty �" You shot me again!

Unidentified #2: I told you i was confused!

Unidentified #1: About what! �" Which direction i was going to take?

Unidentified #2: About us �" You �" This whole situation!

Unidentified #1: This situation definitely has a hole alright and it’s at my end...squirting claret like there’s no tomorrow. This is bad. This is really really bad!

Unidentified #2: Does it hurt?

Unidentified #1: I need a doctor!

Unidentified #2: Please stop bleeding now you’re scaring me. I hate being scared.

Unidentified #1: great, I’ve been shot by a homicidal coward.

Unidentified #2: I’m getting an urge �" i can feel it...Oh my god!

Unidentified #1: Urge? Is that some sort of anagram for bus? I hope it is cos I’d like you to get on it and leave now!

Unidentified #2: You want me to leave when I’ve got an urge coming on? What kind of monster are you?

Unidentified #1: Or die �" whichever comes first �" i really don’t mind.

Unidentified #2: why should i leave, I’m not the one who’s been shot �" twice!

Unidentified #1: So now you’re nit picking, too.

A loud squeal echoes out and then faint sobs can be heard.

Unidentified #2: I can’t believe you’re treating a blind man this way!

Unidentified #1: How can you be blind, you shot me �" twice?

An even louder squeal echoes out followed this time by small whimpers

Unidentified #2: They’re Braille bullets if you must know Mr clever clogs. Or should i say Mr not so bullet proof!

Unidentified #1: So how did you fly the plane? No no no let me guess, you used a Braille compass?

Unidentified #2: That’s right! Have you seen it?

Unidentified #1: No.

Unidentified #2: it could get us out of here. Are you sure you haven’t seen it?

Unidentified #1: I’m lost in the middle of god knows where with a blind homicidal one legged pilot �" shoot me!

Unidentified #2: What?

Unidentified #1: I said shoot me!

Unidentified #2: No!

Unidentified #1: Why not, you’ve shot me twice already.

Unidentified #2: Holy shittin’ jesus! Waddya mean one legged?

Unidentified #1: What?

Unidentified #2: You just called me a blind homicidal one legged pilot!

Unidentified #1: Er... yeah...?

Unidentified #2: You’re saying I’ve only got one leg?

Unidentified #1: You didn’t know?

Unidentified #2: How am i gonna ride a bike with only one leg?

Unidentified #1: prosthetics?

Unidentified #2: F**k you mother f*****g foul mouthed f****r!

Unidentified #1: I mean you could wear a false leg, and besides, what’s the point �" you’re blind.

Unidentified #1: Now who’s nit picking.

A strange swooshing noise is heard in the background.

Unidentified #1: What was that?

Unidentified #2: What?

Unidentified #1: That strange swooshing noise. Jesus Christ it’s all gone black. Someone’s turned out the lights.

Unidentified #2: You’re kidding me?

Unidentified #1: I never kid when I’m dying.

Unidentified #2: Is it complete darkness or just blackness?

Unidentified #1: What’s it to you, you’re blind.

Unidentified #2: Quite a bit as it happens. I’m allergic to complete darkness, so i have to be very careful otherwise it takes the curls out of my hair.

Unidentified #1: But you’re bald.

Unidentified #2: What did you just say?

Unidentified #1: Er, nothing, nothing at all. What about a strange green luminescent glow, how are you with those?

Unidentified #2: Strange green luminescent glows I’m ok with.

Unidentified #1: Good, cos this whole place is filled with a strange green luminescent glow.

Unidentified #2: How strange?

Unidentified #1: What?

Unidentified #2: The luminescent glow, how strange is it?

Unidentified #1: As opposed to what, normal luminescent glows?

Unidentified #2: I’m only asking.

Unidentified #1: Holy freakin’ Fonzie!

Unidentified #2: What is it now?

Unidentified #1: There’s some sort of strange green luminescent creature in here too. It’s circling us. It’s keeping to the shadows.

Unidentified #2: How strange?

Unidentified #1: Are you kidding me?

Unidentified #2: Listen pal I’m very fond of these curls in my hair. I need to know.

Frog Voice #1: Ribbit �" Ribbit �" Ribbit ribbit ribbit!

Unidentified #1: It just said something, it actually spoke.

Unidentified #2: I didn’t hear anything, are you sure?

Unidentified #1: What’s the matte3r with you, are you deaf?

Unidentified #2: I suffer from selective hearing and it doesn’t extend to strange green luminescent voices, ok!

A slight chuckle is heard.

Unidentified #1: Why am i not surprised.

Frog Voice #1: Ribbit �" Ribbit �" Ribbit - Ribbit �" Ribbit �" Ribbit ribbit ribbit!

Frog Voice #2: Ribbit �" Ribbit �" Ribbit - Ribbit �" Ribbit �"

Frog Voice #3: Ribbit ribbit ribbit!

Frog Voice #1: Ribbit !

(Barely audiable in distant background)

Frog Voice #1or #2. Maybe #3. Possibly #4: Earth creatures are not compatible!

Unidentified #1: Uh �" Oh!

Unidentified #2: What now?

Unidentified #1: I hear ticking.

Unidentified #2: Is it strange green luminescent ticking?

Unidentified #1: No. Just the normal kind of ticking.

Unidentified #2: Thank God. I thought my wooden hip had gone into spasm again.

Frog Voice #1or #2. Maybe #3. Possibly #4: Ribbit ribbit ribbit ribbit ribbit ribbit ribbit ribbit ribbit ribbit ribbit ribbit ribbit ribbit ribbit!

Definately Frog Voice #3: He he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he!

A loud clunk is heard followed by a strange green luminescent swoosh.

Unidentified #2: Hey i can feel a draught �" let’s make a hop for it!

Unidentified #1: Oh shi �"

 

Miss De - Ville shuffled the papers neatly back together and laid them down on the table, ‘has it helped any?’ she enquired, looking over toward stumpy.

‘Er, not really love, no. Maybe a shag would help. It’s been ages since I’ve ad a good shag, an’ mi ballacks are fit to burstin.’

Miss De �" Ville threw herself back in her chair, frozen with fear at an expectant stumpy.

‘Ah well,’ he said, shrugging his shoulders after a long awkward moment had passed. ‘Looks like it’s gunna stay a mystery then dun it. An anyways, yer not my type love.’ And with that stumpy got to his feet and left, never to be seen again.