Metaphor: Online Friendship as Character-Driven Stories

Musings on the differences between "real life" (outernet) friendships and Internet ones; also, a metaphor comparing these to narratives in fiction.

With in-person relationships, many times the most significant things that can be remembered about a friendship is the things they did together, the songs they sang, the parties they attended, the concerts, the strolls around the lake. In some cases, but certainly not all, it’s mostly notable that they had shared experiences; they may not have talked a lot, but they were together and did stuff. Maybe a large number of school and work friendships are of this sort: situationally in close proximity, people end up doing things together such as work or classes, and they may also have outings and such. It might be for others as it was for me: in later years, with nothing to do together due to distances, there’s little to talk about aside from reminiscing. I suggest that we could consider an account of these friendships, or a fictional narrative of such a friendship, as being plot-driven, at least largely.

With online friends who are not physically together at all in the real world, such shared activities are very limited in scope, unless fantasies or pretend can count (and I think that they can, at least for some people, but I don’t want to address that now). These friends can do things that are mostly of the audio-visual sort, and very largely text-based (unless Skype or similar is done often). They can interact verbally, sometimes in a simulation of face to face chat or at least telephone or similar conversation. But these things are largely static unless the people are notably creative about their approaches, such as making videos in diverse locations or on the road. These people cannot go places together. In most such situations, I’d guess, conversation is the key element. And in conversation, in being forced to express emotions and ideas verbally, the personality of the friends is more likely to be vividly embodied to the imagination of the participants. The character of the people is able to be made evident to the imagination and the senses. I suggest that these friendships, which take their sensory form as language, are analogous to a character-driven account.

I’d further suggest that in many or most of these, there is more need and more likelihood for personal expression and for personal closeness to emerge; a friendship that is all about what you do together is apt to halt or vanish when the momentum is lost and the bodies fall still. ‘Plot-driven’ friendships can founder when the people are not together in real life, and when the friends are doing more than they’re saying, I think, the bonds of friendship can be more tenuous rather than tenacious. 

Of course, many of us would like a nice blend of these styles in our relationships. We do things together for fun, but also enjoy curling up by the fire for all-night conversations. That is the sort of friendship that I haven’t had in decades, and that I miss very sorely in my life.

In lieu of these blended friendships, I have come to think of friendships as being, for me, mostly conversation based, and my fiction has come to resemble such things. And indeed since I think about friends and our friendships more than I actually converse with these people, my fiction also has my characters thinking about the relationships more than carrying them out, and more time conversing than actually doing anything. 

When I want to get together with a real friend nowadays, I don’t care a fig for what we actually do. In fact, I feel like traveling to an amusement part or theater can be a positive distraction from what I really want to do: revel in and gorge myself on the feeling of having someone with me who really feels I matter to them. These wonderful meetings happen very seldom. I don’t have close friends in this country at all and my visits to my home country are rare, with personal visits being very brief and often in fact impossible to accomplish.

So what I am musing about here is about how, for me, conversation and cogitation have become “the new” action. And about how, if I could, I would gladly take some of this situationally-necessary inaction and toss it out to win some time cuddling and hugging and just foolishly smiling at some of my long distance dears, with no need to do anything but share companionable silence, feel loved, and try to hold on to the feeling…never knowing if it will ever happen again.

I accept people for who they are, but always hope to grow closer and to share personal feelings and thoughts, for to me that is the core of a friendship, on which anything else must build and grow. The fist-sized snowball, as it were, that I hope will keep rolling downhill, gathering speed and mass with each rotation.

I need closeness in my life, really intimate friendships, I think, more than any other single thing that I am missing. Though I have a number of friends whom I love very much, and even a few with whom to confide with full security and stress-free frankness, I am deeply lonely. I have a few talents and things I can do, but I think personally that, given the opportunity, being a devoted friend is something that I really am able to excel at.

My handicap is that text-based conversation is missing a lot of nuances that the voice and the body can convey, and it’s my belief that I have non-verbal learning disorder (NVLD), which leads me to miss or to misconstrue such unverbalized messages. It’s not a trivial disadvantage. I tend to not take hints because I don’t perceive them as hints. I wonder when people are being sarcastic and when they are in earnest. I am not hip to tones of annoyance that might creep into the conversation. I, for such reasons, screw up magnificently, and that fairly often.

I wanted to get some ideas like this into textual form to help myself get a clearer idea of what I actually think, as well as to help friends, potential or established ones, contextualize my way of conversing. I hope that my friends from the current moment and into the future (since I gather that I’ve lost a lot of chances and the hope of future second chances from former friends whom I’ve estranged somehow or other) will realize that I may unintentionally misunderstand their ‘subtext’ and would appreciate their forthright statement of clarification if I don’t seem to get what they are really trying to say. I try to be subtle in my own expression, but that doesn’t mean that I always pick up on other people’s subtleties as well, and that is a frequent vexation. 

So please, friends now and hereafter, please understand this about me and be patient. If I mess up or if I come across in an unpleasing way, it will be unintentional and I will very very likely not realize this, even if you hint or allude to it. Please just tell me plainly how I have erred so that I can understand you and learn better how to avoid such errors.

Thank you, and please, if you are willing to be my close friend, it may that I am not sure and don’t dare to ask because I am more and more chary and frightened of being rejected or ‘kicked out’ of a close friendship, or of losing the chance to build on what I believe to be a friendship with the potential for platonic intimacy.

I would like to add one thing: I beg you, if you feel something is awry with our friendship, please please do not just drop it and walk away without verbalizing what is wrong. I cross my heart: I am not doing anything intentional to threaten, sexualize, pressure, pry, or provoke you; I am fallible and I want to be less flawed, which, with your help, I can achieve. If I am too enthusiastic for your comfort, it’s not because I wish to presume a greater intimacy than you are willing to accept; it’s just my lack of savvy, and I willingly will tone it down or even leave you alone, with respectful apologies, if you will only point this out. I want only a platonic friendship and I’ll accept it at the ‘size’ or nature that you can accept.

And if I have transgressed the borders of your personal space in any way, this is, hopefully, my last attempt to be your pardon and to apologize. Please be kind enough to work with me on this and help my social sense of tact to be more sensitive and acute, and please consider forgiving me and letting me try again. If our friendship means or meant as much to you, or even half as much, as it meant to me, I hope you will consider allowing me to be kind to you again, and to forgive me my trespasses.

I don’t believe that (with a small number of obvious exceptions with people who were intentionally or uncontrollably causing trouble to me) I’ve ever wanted to break off any real friendships, and I have no wish right now to start up again. I hope we can stay in each other’s lives. I am usually shy about requesting that because, as the Feather Duster says, “I’ve been burned…before.”

I hope that you will accept me as I am, flaws, age, depression, creativity, and bad puns…my reality, my existence, is all held within my skull; all else is, as far as net friends go, quite unimportant.

And when we hug, it won’t hurt to put your all into it. Just don’t be surprised if I don’t let go right away. 

Author's Note

This is really an essay, not a story per se, but heck, that is not one of the primary choices!

Reviews

[not here]

Well blow me down, this read a lot like an essay.
Doesn't matter... It was an interesting read. Funny. And interesting.
Thanks for sharing