From Big City To Nothing

 

Chapter 1

“I cleared everything out of this room for you, so you’ll be sleeping here. Bathroom’s there; we each have our own so don’t worry about walking in on anything,” my uncle Brandon Summers said, running a tanned hand through his short, sandy hair.

“Cool. Thanks, Uncle Brandon,” I answered, rubbing my probably-glazed green eyes, trying to pull myself out of the numbness I’d become too familiar with. “I’ll just start unpacking everything, then,” I said, looking around the bare room. My furniture had been moved in the day before, but without personal effects, my new bedroom seemed cold and sterile.

“Sure thing, kid. And call me Brandon�"adding the ‘uncle’ makes me feel old,” he answered, grinning.

“Maybe because you are old,” I deadpanned. “You’re, what, thirty-two now? Or is that a little low?”

Brandon made a face at me, and then swiped my baseball hat off my head good-naturedly. “Brat,” he said fondly.

“Old man,” I shot back, softening the blow to his pride with a small smirk. “Out, unless you want to see me get all emotional and weepy over moving in with my wild uncle.” I turned my back to him and started pulling things out of different bags, my face flickering from neutral to cold for a moment.

He hesitated in the doorway for a second, but left me alone to unpack all my stuff. What a relief�"I doubted I could keep the bitterness I was feeling off my face much longer.

I sighed, dropping the duffel bag full of folded clothes I’d been carrying, and looked around the room. Well, at least this one was bigger than the one at home. I’d have to make sure I kept it cleaner so I didn’t end up feeling confined here too�"I vowed to do so as I started unloading everything I’d packed into my old Taurus and arranging it around the room.

Two hours later, just as I’d finished unpacking everything else and was pulling sheets onto my bed, my cell phone rang. I answered and tucked it between my ear and shoulder so I could keep working. “Hello?”

“Aiden, it’s Dad. How’s it going with Uncle Brandon so far?”

I shrugged, though I knew my dad couldn’t see. “Dad, I’ve only been here half a day. I’m not even done with my room yet. Where are you?” I asked, pulling a thick blue comforter onto the bed.

“I’m in Washington right now. I’ve got a flight to Singapore in two days�"I really think we’re going to land this account,” Dad added with suppressed excitement.

“That’s great, Dad,” I answered, my voice somewhat wooden�"Dad was a senior consultant for some major telecommunications company, and I usually lost track of what account he was working on. Plus, it was really boring stuff if you ask me, but I wouldn’t have minded the traveling part of his job.

“Yeah�"never mind that, how are you doing? I’m really sorry to hear about your mother; no one deserves that, but…” he trailed off uncomfortably, and I could envision him cringing slightly.

I sighed. “I’m okay, I guess. The judge went easy on Mom, I think�"the average sentence is five years, and she’s in for three. Guess that’s taking into account the busted street lamps,” I answered. “I can’t believe they convicted her. If that guy hadn’t been drunk and stepped into the street, Mom wouldn’t have hit him. It’s his own damn fault,” I added, taking a few deep breaths as I felt the bitterness and anger resurfacing again.

“Yeah, I know, son. Calm down, she’ll be fine. Well�"next time you visit her, you tell her I said hi, okay? I have to let you go; there’s a board meeting in ten minutes. Tell Brandon I said thanks, and that he should get the first check by the end of the week,” Dad added, sounding a little rushed. I felt a bit of a guilty pang, knowing he’d be sending more than usual to cover what Mom couldn’t�"not working meant no pay, after all.

“Alright, Dad. Talk to you later, and good luck.” I hung up the phone with a snap and tossed it onto the bed, sinking onto it and looking at the multitude of empty boxes littering the room feeling almost dismayed.

The past few months had been like something out of a bad dream. Mom often worked late managing an Express store in the Fort Worth mall while I cooked dinner and finished homework, waiting for her to come home. One night about three months ago, I got a call from the Fort Worth police, stating that my mother had been in an accident and hit someone who had been crossing the road, killing the man. Their twisted sense of “justice” ultimately resulted in Mom going to jail for three years. I don’t remember much about it�"I was pretty numb the whole time, barely hearing the condolences friends and family offered.

Brandon, Mom’s younger brother, offered to take me in. Seeing no other option since the rest of my family lived out of state�"I couldn’t just leave Mom here like that�" and Dad was constantly traveling due to his job, I accepted. Sure, I had friends whose families were willing to take me in, but I couldn’t do that�"I still had two years of high school left, and I didn’t want to impose on anybody. Besides, the only person’s parents I really got along with were going through a divorce, and I figured they had enough stress in their lives without adding me to the mix.

I finished unpacking and, after letting Brandon know I was going out, I decided to drive around and see the town.

I wasn’t expecting much�"I knew it was foolish to do so, since Fort Worth was probably close to ten times bigger than Meadow Grove was. They probably didn’t even have a decent mall where I could get a job.

I drove around, spotting the Applebee’s we’d normally visited for dinner when Mom and I came to visit Brandon. Across the street there was a gas station, an IHOP, a tiny mall, and a Walgreens, all quite full. I drove down the main street, spotting a Walmart and a new Home Depot I was sure hadn’t been there the last time we’d visited. At least the town was showing signs of growing.

I couldn’t help but scoff at the thought�"the last time Meadow Grove grew, it was only to add yet another church on a vacant street corner. As I thought this, I passed two churches on opposite sides of the road and rolled my eyes. “Ugh�"this town’s probably full of Bible-thumpers,” I muttered to myself disgustedly. I’d never gone back to church after the Sunday school sermons for kids up to high school-age�"Mom didn’t make me, so I quit. It wasn’t that I hated organized religion, or that I wasn’t Christian�"I was just a complete lazy-a*s that liked to spend Sunday mornings sleeping.

 I found the high school, which looked ridiculously small compared to the huge school I’d been going to for my freshman and sophomore years. I eyed the place morosely, already dreading the first day of school, which was only two days away. Hopefully, this town wasn’t so small everyone knew my life story before I even met them. That would suck.

Disappointed at finding only a small bowling alley and a rundown movie theater as entertainment options, I decided to stop torturing myself and drove�"well�"home, I guess.

Author's Note

Open to concrit. I have no patience for flamers with no suggestions--take that somewhere else.

Reviews

[Orlando Murcia]

From what I read I really have no suggestions, maybe it's because I love this story or I dont know. I am not good with commas or punctuations so I am not sure if you needed some or not. Anyways I enjoyed reading this I really did, I just started reading stories and so far you and some of the other people Iread stories from did a great job! Great work keep writing and don't ever get discouraged. Orlando M

[Casey Wolfe]

Good opening. The goal is always to have the reader want to turn to chapter 2, and you accomplished that. The dialogue is very well done. Too often people fall prey to having dialogue that adds nothing to the character... You don't have that problem what-so-ever. It will be interesting to see how these characters develop more. My only suggestion would be longer chapters. But then I'm the person wo liks longer chapters- others, not so much. Good job.

[Adolfo Dorta]

Good opening. Very dialogue intensive which is only bad if its uninteresting, which is not the case so far. Starting out it has all of the signs of a classic coming of age story.

I dont have much for you in the way of suggestions so far based off of the introductory chapter. I would say that I would possibly hint a bit more as to the underlying emotions of the character, although it is only the first chapter and Im sure you have more of that as the book progresses. Its teased with a bit, and Id certainly like to see more of it, as it would strongly hold the reader's interest. Everything seems too perfect in parts, and while we can sense that its not, subsequent chapters should dive in quickly to show us that conflictual third dimension that you tease us with. Dont be afraid to challenge the reader. Give us a little venom. : )

All in all, it successfully grabbed my attention and kept me moving along briskly. Much lighter fare than Im usually into, but I thought it was very well done and very well written. As young as you are, Id say that you have strong command of language. I'll be checking out your other two chapters as time allows and commenting on them as well.

Btw, thanks on commenting on my own stuff and putting me on to WritersCafe. I should be adding my own work soon.

Adolfo

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its was alot more sarcastic this time:D good job. i can see this character as being lazy too.