Once Upon a Walrus

Man can be such a******s

Once upon a Walrus 

     As I basked in the illuminating sunlight reminiscing about bygone days amongst the walrus herd, Old Bellytooth, a very fat walrus weighing well over three thousand pounds, interrupted me in mid-sentence and said, “That’s not how I remember it. You’re leaving a lot out. Our young bulls and cows need to know all the sordid details about the day the Elephant Seals of the Macquarie made war against the Walrus Herd of the Pacifica.”

 

     I never liked being interrupted especially when I was in the middle of telling one of my refurbished tales. I’d forgotten Old Bellytooth was a young bull during that time. He was one of the last surviving members of those dark days. I well understood why he’d want his recollection of the “Blubber Wars” be told, but his version was full of holes and half-truths as the one I was telling these young pups. I gave Old Bellytooth the devil stare and said, “You do realize if I tell the story straight up, it will not only horrify these young ones, but you as well. What you remember is not the full account of the tragic events that decimated both populations. If you insist, I suppose it’s time that the unadulterated story about the “Blubber Wars” is known.  You asked for it Belly and so it’ll be told. I’ll start with a basic outline and fill in the timelines and details after you recover from the unvarnished truth. Old Bellytooth gave me an odd look and said, “I always knew there was more to it then I witnessed. The young ones and I are ready for the absolute truth, warts and all, so let’s get to it.”

 

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          I was in heaven trying to repair my relationship with God when the commencement of the ‘Blubber Wars’ and the events that led up to it broke out.  It devastated and decimated both nation tribes; leaving untold tales and knowledge lost forever amongst the ruins of war.  I became aware of this debacle as it neared its end and tried to save what populations I could. Needless to say, my reconciliation with God failed yet again, as His loyalty and love for His accursed creation ‘Mankind’ remained unwavering.

 

     Before God’s infernal abominations set in motion the enmity and distrust that tore apart the sacred bond and love they held for each other---The Walrus and the Elephant Seal nations were trusted allies and friends for eons.  The annual Blubber Festival was in full swing when the pivotal events that led to the war occurred. The Festival was a gathering of all the seal and walrus nations. A joyous affair filled with song, games, and lots of fishy delicacies. The festivities came to a sudden halt when out from the ocean mist an armada of strange vessels approached their enclave. They stared in amazement when out from one of the ships a contingent of creatures that had similar resemblances to God and Myself; approached them. 

 

     When God created Man he made them in our Image: males in his, females in mine. He used our likeness as a template. God even gave them free will; an illusionary trick he conjured up. It enabled God to be the puppet master with invisible strings.  He became quite enamored with them. I on the other hand took the opposite view.  I was quite livid that God would let these arrogant vicious things command the top of the Food Chain. And to make matters worse God wanted me to be their champion rather than letting me continue being the caretaker of all the animals and living things of the world. I impolitely and adamantly refused. It was the advent of man and their disingenuous nature that precipitated the divine sundering.

 

     The majority of walruses’ in attendance embraced these man-things as angelic messengers. They assumed they were emissaries of God sent to show them the shortcut to ‘Heaven’s Gate’. Not so with the Seal Elders, they felt something was off with these God creatures. They saw the females in the group being subservient to the males. The Elephant Seal Matriarchs knew that I’d never allow such a thing.  They tried to put a damper on the walruses’ blind acceptance to these creatures but the walruses turned a deaf ear to their concerns.     

 

     Those duplicitous mongrels went along with the walruses assumptions and proceeded to spin their web of lies that would tear apart the blubber nations. They pointed their fingers at the Elephant Seals and claimed that they were under demonic control. That I, their beloved Lady Night was imprisoned in the void and an Imposter Devil took my place. You must realize that no one in the nations ever heard a lie. It packed a major wallop. No one knew what to believe. Pandemonium broke loose, punches were thrown, and the beginning of the blubber wars had begun.

 

     All that it took was some well placed whispers, a sprinkling of false accusations, and a few malicious lies from Mans’ deceitful tongues for the Walrus and Seal Nations to erupt in the war that led to the ‘Blubber Apocalypse’. Man created this chaotic soup for the meat and skins of the lesser seal conclaves. They nearly wiped out the seal populations with some pivotal help from the Walrus Herds. They were their lapdog allies. God’s chosen also loaded their vessels with juvenile seals in order to create breeding farms and slaughterhouses.

 

     I was in God’s embrace when the Divine Wind made me aware of those catastrophic events. I flew into a rage that God would allow this to those I loved and protected. I spit in his beatific face and punched him in his divine balls, left heaven, and vowed never to return. I proceeded to put things to order. I cleansed the lands with demonic fire of the human-cockroaches that remained and purged the minds of the survivors of the blubber nations of the actual events with false memories.  

 

“STOP, Oh Lady Night, STOP! --- My head’s spinning, my stomach’s ablaze.” wailed Old Bellytooth. “This can’t be true! IT CAN’T! IT CAN’T!”  

 

“Unfortunately it is. Shall I go on?”