Tulip

live it or leave it

Tulip  (646 words)

 

 

     Which moment does one choose in a life that has had millions upon millions of moments that helped define and shape one’s existence?  There is so many to choose from, some significant, some a little less so, but for this essay I will chose a moment that has haunted me for well over forty some odd years.

 

     I was an eighteen year old snot-rag, with a bundle of talent, riding the wave of the psychedelic movement. I was the lead singer in a well known local band. I gyrated, moaned, groaned, screamed and sang those satanic tunes that our parents vilified. The band was known more for my performance antics rather than the music but that was alright with me. I had my little legion of fans and I reveled in it. In my drug-fueled mind I was a superstar while in reality I was a directionless buffoon.

 

     I was invited to an east side party in Manhattan where many of the serious artists frequented, a night that I have remembered with clarity for these many years. I had a grand old time, sex drugs and rock and roll. In the middle of this gathering I performed one of my well known pony shows.

I had a knack for ad-libbing, making up words on the fly, as well as faking a few cords on the guitar. The result was usually a long applause. This night was no exception, they loved it, and my head swelled in their adulation.

 

     Shortly after, while I was still basking in my glory, the host of the party came up to me. She was a well known local celebrity, a brilliant artist (painter) and a damn fine pianist. She called herself Tulip, in honor of one of her first paintings in where she painted a field of tulips on the canvass.

She gave me a kiss and whispered in my ear words that have been etched my mind.

 

“You have a wonderful gift, you’re a truly amazing talent but you’ll never go anywhere in this business”

 

To say that I was stunned by these words was an understatement. Anger welled within me as I asked her why.

 

“You don’t live it. You do it for the applause, not for the art. I can see that you’re unwilling to bleed for your music. If you learn to live it than maybe you’ll go somewhere.”

 

I told her that I was serious but she just smiled and patted my cheek and moved on.

 

     Unfortunately I didn’t truly understand what she meant. When I finally did many of those doors that were opened closed. I abused my voice and didn’t pursue my acting because I was unwilling to suffer poverty. I didn’t live it.

 

     I floated through life as if in a dream unwilling to make sacrifices and choosing the path most traveled. But the easy path is usually a dead and unfulfilling one. My passion now is writing and I intend to fully live it. I’m taking early retirement in the next six months and will devote myself to the craft. I now write for myself not the applause, being published is not a main goal but getting my vision out is. Of course I like it when one enjoys my writing and to have my Opus published would be a treat beyond measure. But I’m in no rush for it to happen, it’s all about the writing, it gives me joy.

 

     Tulips words have truly and finally resonated within me. I’m willing to bleed for my craft. It’s all about the art; the applause is just a byproduct.

 

     As I read the many stories and poems on this forum, I’m humbled by some of the talent that I see. But talent can only get you so far, learn to live it, bleed for your passion, do it for yourself, don’t give in to the doubt…