best man speech

I'm a best man at a wedding - I just finished a rough draft of the short speech I want to give, please (please please please please!!) edit it!

For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Will, and I’m Jake's best man. I’d like to begin by giving some well-deserved attention to the group of beautiful bridesmaids I have the honor of sitting across from/next to. You are rightfully outshone only by the stunning bride herself, Kate. Today is truly a sad day for men everywhere, as we watch another beauty leave the pool of available women. Interestingly, for the ladies here tonight, the day seems to be passing without so much as a ripple.

I was hoping to fill this speech with the raunchy details of the bachelor party we had last week, but I promised Jake anything that happened that night would be our secret. " Oh, Jake, that does remind me, don’t forget about that twenty bucks you owe me for that last dance. " Anyway, I’m sorry but I just can’t talk about it. Top secret stuff.

I have known Jake for ten years now. When I met him, we were in seventh grade. I got to know him working on an afterschool science project " building a wooden robot. Most of my time was spent nearly lopping off a finger with power tools while Jake, the scrawny computer geek, wrote code for the robot.

It’s amazing how things have changed in ten years.

Well, sort of.

I’ve managed to avoid losing a finger (but ask me in another ten years), and Jake, you may have traded in wooden robots for a high-tech job developing applications for Android smartphones, but you can’t fool me; you’re still that scrawny computer nerd playing with robots I met ten years ago.

As a fellow skinny guy, I’m allowed to say Jake isn’t the buffest guy I’ve ever met. A few years ago I started to notice though, whenever Jake found himself in an important situation, he’d somehow start to look a little more muscular. After careful observation, I finally figured out his trick and tonight I’m going to let you all in on the secret. Jake pulls on multiple t-shirts to temporarily bulk up for important events. You’ll never see him leave the house without at least three on. At high school dances, he’d wear a minimum of five. A big interview? He’s wearing seven or eight. So if Jake has looked a little red in the face or stiff dancing tonight, I think you’ll know why. Kate, I can report with absolute certainty that Jake is taking this wedding thing seriously. Just hours ago, I personally helped him put on a record breaking seventeen shirts under his suit.  

In all seriousness, I’m happy to see a great friend so obviously happy himself. I’ve had the pleasure of getting to know Kate over the past couple years. She’s shown herself to be graceful and charismatic, kind and compassionate, and, most importantly since she’s marrying Jake, good humored.

Jake and Kate are wonderful people who deserve only the best as companions, and they were lucky enough to have found that in each other. I wish them the very best in life and love. To the bride and groom and let the celebrations continue!

Author's Note

Grammer doesn't matter, it just needs to be clear, interesting, and funny at times. Also see if I am straddling funny and serious okay. Any advice would be awesome!!