Nuts and Dolts

A load of old rubbish, written in a cheap Thai hotel room, when the words of the Great Novel wouldn't sort themselves out.

Nuts & Dolts

 

Once upon a time Lunatic - he's an insect from the moon - went to the doctor with a head under his lump.

 

"What happened?" asked Dr.Pyramid.

"I was putting on some toilet water and the seat fell down."

 

Dr.Pyramid gave him an obscene prescription. Lunatic, being prone to premature articulation, called the doctor a pyramidiot. Dr.Pyramid then sued Lunatic for definition of character.

 

On his way to court, the doctor met a colleague, Doctor Psycho.

"Hello" said Pyramid.

"Wonder what he meant by that?" thought Psycho.

 

In court Lunatic cleared his throat and spat on the floor.

"You can't spit on the floor here!" roared Judge Godly.

"Don't worry Your Highness, it's strong enough to find its own way out.”

 

Dr.Pyramid's lawyer explained to the court that the good doctor was viewed as a 'real asset' by his fellow practitioners.

"Only two letters too many" muttered Judge Godly.

"That's it, I'm off" said Pyramid.

"Couldn't have put it better myself" said the judge, whose brother was an Anglican bishop. HE proposed to his bride by singing 'Abide With Me' out of tune.

 

Judge Godly had just finished reading - in Latin - a collection of articles written for the Rome Herald by Vice Versa (who also wrote pornographic poems), entitled 'The Secret Acts of the Apostles'. His next case was an action by the R.S.P.C.A. against a Mr. Miserly Hillfarmer, whose defence was 'The Lord is my Shepherd'. Judge Godly had that morning had a discussion with his tailor, during which he asked

"Tell me Mr.Goldfarb, Jew eat kosher hungry?"

Goldfarb had retaliated by sewing some rosehip seeds into the seat of the judge's trousers. He was now itching for a recess.

 

This place gets more and more like something out of Laurel and Hardly, thought Judge Godly. The previous case had been one of attempted rape against a wealthy Yorkshireman, who had made his fortune pumping out septic tanks - where there's muck there's money. His excuse was "Suck cess, can get lonely."

 

Having removed his contaminated trousers in his chambers, the judge stood musing over the state of the world. Does living in a disposable society mean that Society is disposable?

"Dis pose or dat pose" muttered the artist's model of a train disappearing into a tunnel; where a funnelweb spider disguised as a nurse lay in wait to stop it smoking. If at first you don't suck seed, try drier grain.

Enough with the applause already; the wax in my ears is melting, and contributing no end to global warming. Madame Who? To sew or not to sew, that is the question.

 

Reviews

[Woody]

you have a wonderful sense of humour and are quite the word juggler! this is very clever and hilarious.
I see this was written years ago and I'm glad I've stumbled on it now.
thanks for sharing your "load of rubbish". have you got any more rubbish? dump it at my doorstep!

[Samuel Dickens]

Silly me, I tried to make sense of it, but couldn't, so I just enjoyed the twisted ride. Hopefully, the words of the great novel are now free to exit. Well done, Braid.

[richard hurndall]

A profoundly disorientating experience...I like it.

Always difficult to give constructive criticsm to something that seems to work already. I could see this easily fitting in a literary magazine.

[Hawksmoor]

A load of old rubbish....?

Braid, dude, no disrespect, but are you CRAZY???!

Man, this is Gold, solid Gold.

And by this point in time, you KNOW I aint gonna lie to you about things I like or don't like. It aint fair to you, and it aint fair to me.

This flows very well. Rubbish my a*s. It's insane, but it's a rare thing when insanity is so well put together.

Damn. I've missed your work.

Hawksmoor...From The Bleed.

[Hyatt_B]

I really enjoyed this story. It is the mark of a serious artist, playing with words and knowing when to have a laugh. It have spurred me on to read more of your stuff.