Symbiogenesis

A mysterious growth on a young man's back gives birth to his double and reveals the frightening truth about his own existence.

The pain in his back began a week ago but it wasn’t until Josh was sitting in the movie theater with Violet that it became a real nuisance.  He could tell that the pain had moved from his shoulder and neck and was now taking over much of his upper back.  It felt good to stretch, but the what was really taking his mind off the pain was Violet, her bare arm mere inches from his on the shared armrest.  Josh could feel the low, comforting exchange of body heat that penetrated the invisible barrier between them.

Josh liked Violet for a long time, loved her in his own feeble way, and she seemed to enjoy his company too, but nothing romantic had ever happened between them.  Every time they got together Josh would go through the day with boundless confidence, the prospect of miraculous possibilities greasing his musings, but by the end of the night he found himself clutched in the grip of his most constant companion, in the purgatory of paralysis and inaction.

Violet did find Josh fascinating and attractive in a sort of scientific way, if not romantic.  He was an odd creature.  She enjoyed spending time with him.  She waited a long time for him to ask her out on a proper date, rather than the usual “hang out,” as he phrased it, or to do something to indicate a level of interest beyond just platonic friendship, feeling certain that was what he wanted, but it never happened.

He raised his arm, stretching out his shoulder, contemplating how this maneuver could be a catalyst to slipping his arm around her.  He opted not to and when he brought his arm back down to the armrest it grazed hers as it settled.  The contact felt good.  She didn’t move or adjust or have any physical response that might indicate something like stimulation.  She allowed the contact though.  That was all.  But maybe it was enough.  Or too much, he finally concluded, and retracted his forearm, reactivating the invisible barrier between them.

After the movie they walked to the parking garage together, talking abstractly about the movie and anything else Josh could think of to sidestep his intentions.  The voice in Josh’s head told him he was rambling, but she seemed amused so he kept going.

He hit a wall.  Awkward silence.  He searched desperately for something else to say.

“I had fun,” Josh pushed out of his mouth

Violet smiled.  “So did I.”

“We should do this again.”  Josh turned and exhaled as though trying to rid himself of the sour taste of his moronic gibberish.  He didn’t know how to bridge the near infinite gap between sentiment and speech.  He quickly thought of something else to say.

“What level are you on?” asked Josh.

Violet fumbled in her purse for her ticket.  “I’m on six, I think.”

Josh nodded.  He was on level four.  He rummaged for any excuse to be able to walk her to her car, but was held back by the belief that to go out of his way would be too bold and obvious a move.  He wanted to be clear but in a subtle way.  But not too subtle as to be invisible.  He thought hard about what to say.  It was the perfect time for it.  They were alone.  This was a gift.

Violet waited.  The awkwardness of the silence was thick.  That look on his face that appeared as though words might spill from his lips suddenly, but were held back by some impenetrable force, his hands rubbing together in anticipation of a mysterious something that went unacknowledged and made her pity him slightly.  She watched as his eyes darted from a peripheral view of her to the floor numbers on the panel lighting up as they passed each level, like a ticking time bomb to level four. She wanted to speak.  She opened her mouth --

Ding.  The elevator door slid open.  She closed her lips.

“Well…” Well, what? “Goodnight, Violet.  Let’s maybe get together again sometime soon,” he muttered.

“Sure.  I’d like that.  Give me a call.”

He hesitated, “Well, see you later.”

“Bye, Josh.”

He crossed the threshold and turned to get one last look at her face before the hiss of the elevator doors closed him off from her.  

As he walked to his car he comforted himself by replaying her statement, “I’d like that.”  That was something.  That should have been his cue.  So he didn’t act this time.  He came close.  He knew he wouldn’t feel this way if he didn’t really care for her.  Next time he would tell her how he felt, he reassured himself.  Next time.

The pain in his back was returning in waves now.

When he stopped at his mother’s house a few days before to borrow money for his rent, she, of course, being the vigilant mother that she was, noticed something off with his posture.  Josh told her that he hurt himself at the gym lifting weights, but his mother just rolled her eyes as if to say, yeah right.

She knew something was wrong and demanded to have a look at it.  Her reaction compounded his fear and denial.  She worried and he became defensive.  She poked at the softball sized lump that swelled up over his shoulder blade.  She insisted on making a doctor’s appointment for him.  Though he insisted it wasn’t necessary, he knew that the only way to conclude this meeting with his mother was in appeasement, and so conceded to her command.  

He went to his appointment the morning of his date with Violet.  He checked in and sat down with the handful of others in the waiting area.  The sterile, chemical smell of the office made his stomach ache.  

Being around sick people always made him nervous.  Nobody looked sick.  Maybe there was nothing seriously wrong with these people or himself.  He remembered hearing about a man who had a chronic cough for twenty years.  For all those years his wife and others told him to see a doctor about it.  He finally went and the doctor said cancer and he was dead six weeks later.  After twenty years it only took six weeks for the diagnosis to kill him.  Josh wondered if the man would be alive today had he not visited a doctor.  His mind raced with thoughts of the consequences of a negative diagnosis.  He bailed.  He knew that his mother would be angry about the $100 fee for an appointment no-show.  He would have to remember not to answer his phone for a couple of days.

By the time he got home from the movie theater he felt like he had a fever.  He hoped all he needed was a little rest and some Advil and he would feel better in the morning.  

On his coffee table were a stack of grease-stained job and college applications that his mother had given him on his last visit.  He started to fill out one of the college applications but never got around to finishing it.  The job applications just collected dust.  He brushed the papers aside and fired up his XBOX.

He felt no reprieve from the pain as he slid into bed two hours later.  The swelling had gotten worse.  His entire back was expanding out.  Josh could feel something move under the tight, tender flesh.  He froze.  If the pain was worse by morning he would think about going back to the doctor’s office.  The thought of the Emergency Room lingered as an option in the back of his mind too, where he kept most consequential things.

He began the painful process of removing his shirt, wincing as it stretched around his bulbous back.  When he laid back down he thought he could actually hear the expansion of the swelling, the feeling of fluid filling in, turning this swollen lump into a sack weighing his body down.  He trembled.  He felt tears forming in his eyes.  

For the first time the thought occurred to him that he might die tonight.  He gave some thought, between the waves of searing pain, about how he would like to die, running various romantic scenarios through his head.  Preferably not in his home.  Maybe someplace exotic or doing something extreme, like breaking the landspeed record or fighting off a bear, maybe to save someone he loved -- Violet, he thought.  There would be no question then.  She would know.  She would always remember him.

He rolled onto his side to keep the pressure off his back.  The giant, fluid-filled sack swayed.  The pain was searing.  The weight of the sack pulled his body towards the edge of the mattress.  He held on to consciousness for as long as he could.  It wasn’t long.

He woke sometime later gasping, saturated.  He tried to move his body.  The heavy sack pulled him back.  It wasn’t a dream.  He could feel movement from inside the sack -- rapid, erratic, twitching movements.  Something was pushing out from the inside.  It’s alive.  There’s something living inside me, he thought.

He used all of his strength to prop himself up.  As he strained he suddenly felt the tight skin break at the underside of the sack as a thin, solid object shot out and dangled from the fluid spewing hole.  Thick, viscous fluid splashed loudly on the hard floor below the bed.  Another small limb burst through the sack as the organism inside worked to remove itself from Josh.  The limbs kicked and clawed.  He screamed.  

Josh rolled over and collapsed onto the floor.  He tried to crawl but the pain was too much.  He could feel within the draining sack what felt like two, tiny hook-like arms protrude from the hole and try to tear itself out of him.  Josh stopped crawling and glimpsed at himself in the closet mirror, sprawled out on his stomach with the two tiny limbs kicking from the underside of the deflating sack.  The pain began to fade over seconds that felt like hours.  

The mound of pulsating flesh finally tore open with a pair of tiny hands hoisting a humanoid creature out of the sack and onto the floor where its sleek, hairless body writhed in a pool of pink fluid and tripe-like placenta that slid off of it.  That was the last thing Josh saw before the world dissolved into darkness.

Sometime later, as he peaked through the cracks of his eyelids, bringing the world back into focus, Josh saw the first rays of the sun shooting through the blinds in his living room.  He was tired and stiff.  He rose up out of the sticky, coagulated puddle around him.  He could see in his reflection that his back had almost shrunk back to normal size.  The skin was shriveled and hanging slightly, glazed with dried, cracking pus that flaked off as he stood up.

Josh stumbled into the living room  Strange sounds echoed from the kitchen.  Something was in here with him now but he was too tired and bewildered to be scared.  He needed to see it.  He watched the shadow projected by the kitchen light dance across the wall.  He rounded the corner and saw a naked, skinny creature, a man, only smaller, with smoother features, and a soft base of hair now covering its head.  It’s body glistened in the dried fluid caked to its skin.  Josh froze.

The creature turned and looked at Josh.  Josh saw his own face in the creature.  The creature tried to mutter something but all that came out were coos and gibberish.  He moved towards Josh with its thin arms outstretched and finally collapsed onto him with all of its light weight.  They tumbled to the floor.

Josh struggled to push the creature off and as he slid away he noticed that the creature was now unconscious.  Josh flopped onto the couch.  He watched in silent disbelief as the creature, curled up into a fetal position, actually began to expand, its body stretching in both length and girth.  Josh couldn’t move.  The creature’s facial feature took on a more distinctly defined appearance.  Its hair grew out.  Josh looked at the creature.  It was him.  His exact double.

Josh sat frozen for a long time until the creature woke up.  It rose shakily to its feet.  He tried not to startle as the creature stepped towards him.  No sudden movements.  The uncanniness of the creature disturbed him more than frightened him.  He felt intuitively that the creature would not hurt him.

“W-what are you?” Josh voiced, defensive and trembling.

“What...are...you?” repeated the creature, clearing its rough, gravelly throat.

Josh rubbed his eyes.  The creature stared back at him.

“What do you want?” asked Josh.

The creature opened its mouth trying to articulate something.  Josh leaned forward in anticipation.

“F-food,” the creature stuttered.

“You’re hungry?”

The creature nodded.  Josh stood carefully and took a wide arc to the kitchen, keeping his eyes on the creature.

He opened the fridge and took out a pack of eggs.  As he broke five eggs and scrambled them in a pan he realized for the first time this morning how hungry he was too.  His stomach was gurgling curses at him.

He gave a plate of eggs to the creature and began shovelling food into his mouth.  The creature watched him.  Josh glanced at the creature over his chewing.  It seemed to be taking some satisfaction in observing Josh, as though it were being nourish off of Josh feeding.  Josh slowed his chewing and met the creature’s eyes.  He looked at the untouched plate of eggs on the coffee table.

“You’re not hungry?” Josh asked.

“I... don’t know.  No, I guess not.  I’m not sure.”

“You can talk?”

“Yes,” strained the creature, clearing its congested throat again.

“How can you do that?” Josh asked, confused.

“I can talk.  I am Josh.”

Josh froze.  “What do you mean you’re Josh?”

“I am Josh.”

Josh looked incredulously at the creature.  He opened his mouth to speak but all he could utter was: “I am Josh.  I am,” slapping his chest for emphasis.  His voice cracked.  

Fear entered Josh for the first time as he tried to wrap his mind around his current predicament.  Was this a dream?  Was this real?  He felt sick.  His stomach was still rumbling.  He felt that he was eating on nerves rather than for sustenance.  “Don’t you know how to eat?”

“Yes.”

“Well?” Josh said, indicating the plate.

“I don’t think I want to eat,” the creature replied.

Josh was surprised to find himself still famished after finishing his plate, even with the onset of nausea.  Without a beat he picked up the other plate and ate the eggs.  The creature watched him eat again with that strangely satisfied expression on its face.

Several weeks passed and Josh hardly ate anything since that plate of eggs.  He had been feeling weak and nauseous and hadn’t left his bedroom much since the creature’s arrival.  He took some over-the-counter cold/flu medicine and stayed in bed most of the time, coming out only occasionally to play video games.  He couldn’t sleep much at night.  He would pass out for an hour or two then wake up in a night sweat and have to change clothes.  

The creature made himself at home and kept Josh company when he was around, which was less frequently with each day.  Where was this creature spending his days, Josh wondered.  He borrowed Josh’s clothes and presumably his car.  He ate almost all of Josh’s food, which was fine since Josh didn’t feel much like eating anymore.

The presence of the creature was at first a pretty casual affair, but within a few days Josh’s perception turned to suspicion.  The creature acted so naturally, fitting into Josh’s habitat, at the same time Josh was feeling more and more disconnected from it.  They talked but the creature never revealed anything about itself.  It communicated in such a way that Josh felt it was hiding something, that there were things happening peripheral to his existence, organizing around him, even against him.  It was something Josh felt but could not prove.  

Josh sat on the couch trying to read through some college pamphlets but his mind couldn’t focus on any of it.  Mostly he thought of Violet and when he would see her again.  It had been a while since they spoke and he wondered why she hadn’t reached out to him.  No missed calls.  No texts.  Nothing.  He thought of texting her but convinced himself that if she really liked him she would get in touch with him.  But with each day he felt the distance and the longing growing greater.

The other voice in his head wouldn’t cease tilling the notion that he didn’t mean anything to her.  In reality, the distance only made it worse.  He wondered if she met another guy.  It happened before, when she began to date some guy from one of her classes, that their frequency of communication diminished substantially.  He hated the thought of someone else in her life, and the idea that his own companionship, and what satisfaction she derived from it, was so easily replaceable. Josh knew that he wanted her more than anything now.  

He thought about all the times they had gone out together and how he was never honest about his feelings.  He felt so physically weak at the moment that for the first time regret and shame had taken root within him when he considered his current state.  If only he could see her now.  If only he could touch her arm as he had in the theater.  Proximity and voice were his only consolation.  He would tell her everything if he could now.  There would be no hesitation if he were given the chance.  All he needed was that chance.

The creature came back, cheerful and with a lively spring in his step.

“Where have you been?” Josh asked.

“Taking care of some business.  Are you feeling any better?”

“Lousy.  Where did you go today?  Or everyday for that matter?  Did you take my car?”

“I’m sorry, I should have said something.  In my head it’s my car.  But I see how you could think differently,” the creature said innocently.  “I just paid mom back the money I owed -- we, you, owed.”

“You went to see my mother?”

“She was very happy for me -- us,” the creature said, cringing at his verbal slip.  “I had to tell her about the job I’m starting.”

Josh became nervous trying to process what the creature was saying.  Nothing made sense.  “Wait.  What job?”

“Oh, wait til you hear this.  Violet called the other day.  We chatted for a while, like two and a half hours.  We met for dinner and she said she could get me a job at the bookstore she manages.  So, I’m in,” the creature said with a clap of the hands and a triumphant, excited laugh, which instantly turned to a frown when he saw Josh’s reaction.  “She is sweet though.  And what a body, don’t you think?”

Josh coughed spasmodically.  His eyes went wide.  “What did Violet say?  Did you talk about me at all?  Me, that is -- Josh,” Josh said firmly.

The creature became serious.  “I’m Josh.”

“No!  I’m Josh.  What did you do with Violet?”

The creature looked at Josh sympathetically.  “You have to start calling me Josh.  Do you understand?”

Josh shivered and pulled a blanket over his shoulders.  “No.  I don’t understand anything.”  Josh coughed.  “Get Violet to come over here.  We need to clear some things up.  She’s mine.  Understand.”

“That’s not going to happen, Josh, so let’s not get hung up on redundancies,” said the creature.

“Then I’ll call her myself.”  Josh tried to stand but his weak legs gave out and he crashed to the floor.  The creature helped him back onto the couch and put the blanket over Josh as he tried to catch his breath.

“You’re sick, Josh.”

“I’ll be better soon.  I want you to stop seeing to Violet.  Stop meddling in my life.  Stop talking to my mom.  Help me, please.  Don’t screw up everything for me.  Help me.” Josh said weakly, coughing.

“I can’t do that,” said the creature, its face serious.  “You think of me as some kind of toy or pet.  An inconvenient appendage to your life.”  The creature looked genuinely hurt.  “Why can’t you see that?”  

“Don’t ask for my pity.  You’re not me.”

“I came from you.  You made me.  I am you.  I am not your brother.  I am not your twin, your helper, or your slave.  I am you.  Understand?  Stop treating me as if I’m here simply for your convenience,” the creature said with a firmness new to Josh’s ears.

“How can you be me?” Josh asked impatiently, still struggling to breathe.

“I don’t know how this happened anymore than you do.  I didn’t ask for this.  I didn’t volunteer to be this thing, whatever it is.  I’m not trying to hurt you.  I’m operating from an instinct that is beyond my comprehension or control.”  He sighed.  “Maybe there is something inside of us, or around us, some kind of organism.  We live happily with it, even if we are unaware of it and it of us.  It lives off of us, it helps us, it propels us through our daily living.  It eats what we eat.  It sees what we see.  It does what we do.  It works with us to maintain balance and our place in the world.  It works with us out of necessity for its own survival.  But sometimes something happens that causes an imbalance.  And maybe this organism reacts to the imbalance, takes the necessary steps to reestablish balance so that it can keep going.  It creates a new life-form in order to ensure its own survival.  And ours.”

And what happens to the old life form, thought Josh.  This theory made him see things in a new and terrifying light.  If this creature, this new Josh, was essential for some kind of universal balance, what was to happen to him, the real Josh?  He stared at the creature for a long time and the creature looked back at him as though a communication were taking place that didn’t require verbal expression.  A mutual understanding unfolded between them in the silence of the room.  The creature knew what Josh knew and Josh suddenly knew what the creature seemed to know, perhaps always knew.  Josh understood that this creature shared everything with him in its brief maturation.  Any knowledge that Josh acquired throughout his life, the creature knew too.  Any feelings that Josh had about anything were shared with this creature.  Anything fed into Josh was acquired and absorbed through some process of telepathy.  Josh knew what was happening finally.  Any sense of hope was swept away by a profound sense of anger that manifested itself as projections that Josh saw as clear as day suddenly.

Josh felt fear in the presence of the creature for the first time.  This creature accepted its role as Josh without question or concern, as though it were the most natural thing in the world.  Josh felt a surge through his body, a defiance new to him.  He would not accept this transfer.  He saw this other him as the threat that he was now.  Josh tried to stand but dropped down to the couch.

“I’m not going to hurt you,” said the creature, stepping towards Josh.

Josh lunged at the creature.  His hands gripped the creature’s throat as they fell to the floor.  The creature squirmed as Josh braced his legs to straddle the creature, keeping his vice grip around its neck, taking satisfaction at seeing its bloodshot eyes bulging from the sockets as it gasped to air.

Any fear suddenly left Josh.  In the heightened focus that pure action demands, he felt a contented warmth, a serene blanket of acceptance of the instincts that drove him to act so suddenly.  He would kill this creature, squeeze the last breath out of him.  

Thoughts and images raced through Josh’s mind.  Thoughts he’d had many times before, like scenes remembered from a movie.  Scenes of Josh and Violet at a restaurant, their fingers woven into each others as they laughed and shared a dessert.  He wiped some ice cream from her chin before pulling her towards him and kissing her.  She was satisfied.  

He squeezed the neck tighter.

They enjoyed the feel of their bodies against one another as they lied in bed planning their future together.  They got married in a small private ceremony, his mother in attendance, approving, grateful for her son’s happiness.  

Josh squeezed harder.

All of these things he’d imagined so many times before, but he felt a sudden disconnect from the person in them.  Like he was watching someone else.  An imposter.  Another Josh.

Josh squeezed harder.  

This creature would not have these dreams, nor would he live them if Josh had could do anything about it now.  His hands grew weak, but he fought through the numbness, refusing to loosen his grip even the slightest bit.  I may die, he thought, but this creature will not live.

The creature gasped, but Josh allowed to air no seep into it’s throat.  Josh felt none of the scratches and blows to his face and body imposed by the creature’s struggle.

He looked into the creature’s eyes.  He saw fear.  The creature now felt what Josh felt, the horror of a world without him in it, the proximity to imminent death, the desperation that motivates survival at any cost.

Josh couldn’t feel anything from the elbows down.  He willed his grip to maintain pressure on the creature’s neck.  The creature swiped at Josh’s arms, once, twice, three times.  The struggle defeated Josh.  His grip gave out, arms numb.  He toppled over and heard the frantic consumption of oxygen that the creature desperately drunk in.

It was over.  Defeat only gave Josh the desire to fight again.  Even in his weakened physical state his mind focussed on vengeance, not just against the creature and what it planned to do, but against the world that created it.  They sat separated on the floor for a long while, the two Josh’s.  

Josh was too weak to get up.  The creature got up and came to Josh’s emaciated body.  Josh tensed.  The creature reached down and hoisted Josh into his arms and helped him back to his bedroom.  

The scenes passed through his mind again, the new Josh resuming Josh’s life.  These imaginings were becoming more real than Josh’s own current existence.  

The creature put Josh down in his bed and stood over him.  Josh looked up at it.  

“I’m not going to hurt you.  I never wanted to hurt you.  I mean it.  You need to rest.” the creature said.

The creature backed out of the room and closed the door behind him.

Josh tried to sit up, but couldn’t find the strength.  He thought of his future that was no longer going to be his.  What fight did he have left?  He couldn’t move.  His fight became a battle between him and his own thoughts.  Josh was diminished.  The fight was only in his head, the only battlefield left when over the following days complete physical paralysis set in.

The loop played in his head over and over.  The life of Josh.  And Josh now knew, with a gradual sinking awareness, that even his newfound will couldn’t stave off, that he would not be a part of it.  The life of Josh was no longer his life.  There was no place for him in this new dynamic and he realized for the first time that there was no recovery; there was no getting better from this.  He tried to rationalize that it would be him carrying on with this life but deep down he knew that, though that other body may be him, or a part of him, his consciousness was not a part of it.  That would end with his own body and there would be nothing beyond that for him to experience.  Though a version of him would live on, he had to accept that he was not going to have any part of it.  

His mother loved her son Josh.  She no longer needed him as he was though.  She was, and always would be, content with this new Josh, this replacement Josh.  He was the preferred Josh.  She would never know what happened, except to believe that her son finally grew up.  

Violet would finally love Josh.  Perhaps she always did.  Perhaps she always wanted to be with him.  Now she would.  Josh would be everything that she wanted him to be.

The world, whatever that is, would be slightly more balanced this way.

Nobody would know what happened.  Josh knew, as all of these thoughts passed through his head, that he did not have much time left.  There would be no goodbyes because to the world Josh wasn’t going anywhere.  

He lay in bed for days, becoming weaker and weaker, waiting for the conclusion of what used to be a life.  The new Josh stood watch over him and took care of him as much as he could, which irked Josh to no end.  He didn’t want to appreciate this creature the way everyone else would.  He wanted to maintain his burning hatred until the last breath.  The creature brought him what little food he could eat and bathed him, remaining his steward until Josh finally dissolved to nothing.

And Josh went on to live and the world kept turning and nobody noticed that a Josh was gone.

Reviews

[Woody]

wow what a gripping tale. I knew the continuation would be as well constructed as the first part. I'm really impressed by your ability to reveal the inner thoughts of the characters. seamless narration. and a good conclusion.
brilliant write, Wayne