Re: New Year, Old Pain

Dear Wathanya,

It has been a while, hasn't it? I'm sorry that I didn't reply to Perfectionism and some other letters. I'm also sorry to hear that you are slightly overwhelmed by life. And, you are right; you don't need to make excuses. You don't owe me, or anyone, explanations of why you do or don't do things that concern you and your well-being. 

I'm happy to hear that you're taking care of your physical health. I've noticed that there are many empty bubble tea cups in the trash can as well. I'm sorry, though, to hear that past trauma has caught up to you. One of the people that you mentioned was unreasonably demanding, while the other was unnecessarily cruel.

I would imagine PMS plays an uninvited role in this, but I'm also concerned about how distressed you were. The last time you cried from emotional pain or for release of tension was back when S's review was first posted, so that would be around four months ago (and it was because of emotional pain!). That would make you cry three to four times a year! Don't hold it in; the dopamine rush is there for a reason. Cry more! 

I'm quite sure your therapist would be proud of you for respecting yourself. I am proud of you for respecting yourself. Remember back when you would let people walk all over you like a doormat? That was then, and this is now. Putting oneself first doesn't make one a jerk; making someone else put oneself first does, and that was exactly what N was doing to you. You got out of there sane and alive, and that's what I would want for you if we knew each other back then. Now you get to live for yourself, and you're doing a great job.

One of the proofs is the fact that you're writing the epilogue of your third book. Your third. You didn't let them stop you last time, and there's no reason to let them do that now. You know this, and I'm honestly quite surprised that you realized that all by yourself. And I'm not just talking about the effects of S's bullshit; I'm also talking about N's bullshit.

Still, I feel the need to remind you about how strong you are. Those promises are all hard to keep. (I saw the way you looked at the hangman's knot in that crime show last week, but, fear not, I also noted that you stopped yourself from looking it up.)

Yes, I know about the semi-colon project. It's the reason I'm also using semi-colons, isn't it? About actually getting it tattooed on your wrist, I will support your decision no matter what, because this is a personal decision. It's your body. If people will judge you negatively or stop talking to you based on how you chose to show how you survived the storm of bullshit that poured on you, it will be their loss. And if Japanese bathhouses won't want you there, it will literally be their loss since they will have just lost one of the best customers alive.

Mom, though. She would probably take time to accept yet another new concept you introduced to her (people who have tattoos are not necessarily criminals *gasp*), or she might not even notice it at all. 

In any case, you should go to bed now!

Love,

Journal