Journal

Dear Journal,

Yes, my journal, I named you Journal. 

Not the most creative name, I know.

Anyway, do you know what happened last night? 

Ah... Right. You couldn't have known since I'm about to tell you.

Or did you??? Don't mess with me, Journal!

Alright. Alright. I trust you.

I'm sorry, Journal... It's just... It's not you.

My doctor decreased my medication a few weeks ago, and at first it was fine (though that was probably because the effects of the previous dose was still there), but soon after, I could literally feel my anxiety. 

And I mean it! 

Literally! 

It's a stabbing, squeezing, tearing feeling right here, and I say that with my hand on my heart. Ha! Puns save the day, don't they, Journal?

Back to my anxiety thingy... Wait, did you know I had anxiety? And depression?

Double trouble, am I right?

My anxiety and depression are considered mild and manageable; I can still go outside and maintain a "normal" life.

But what is "normal," Journal? 

Did you know it was abnormal to be normal?

Michael from Vsauce told me that and proved it to me.

Boy, it changed my perception of everything.

I was sidetracked again, wasn't I?

Let's try that again. Back to my anxiety-coupled-with-depression thingy.

The anxiety-coupled-with-depression-tripled-with-perfectionism was taking a real hard toll on my physical and mental health. I started waking up at 6 either for no reason at all or because of the excruciating pain on my chest.

So I did the most logical thing I did, I went to tell the doctor about it. She ran a test on me, an EKG, I think, and concluded that the pain wasn't physiological; it was psychogenic. So she increased my dosage of anti-anxiety from a quarter back to half a pill. 

I hope this pain goes away, Journal. 

It's bad.

It is really bad.

And by that I mean I-look-at-my-wrist-and-have-dark-thoughts bad.

Will you be here to support me, Journal? 

Looking forward to hearing back from you, Journal.

Sincerely yours,

W

Author's Note

This is about as fictional as your math textbook.

Changes: word choice and font size

Reviews

[Samuel Dickens]

I am not unfamiliar with these afflictions, as they're prevalent in my family. (And in me) Yes, we strive for perfection and order, too, perhaps. The wondrous snowflake cares not for perfection, so maybe that's a lesson for us. I hope you'll soon have no need for medications.

[Wathanya.5KY3]

Thank you for your kind words.

Perfectionism is such a curse. My current use of medication is to manage the symptoms, but the root of the problem can never be solved by medication alone. I'm working very hard with my therapist toward that goal of not needing medication.

[Jason Gartin]

I like your writing style. It is unique and vivid. I found myself connecting with the depression and anxiety as I deal with these issues myself. Conversational style at it's best. Confiding in your journal as if the journal is your best friend.

[Wathanya.5KY3]

Thank you. Depression and anxiety is no joke, and anyone who thinks it’s “not a big deal” should be avoided.

I really do converse with Journal (hence: schizoid adaptations). Journal really feels like a friend to me.

[Jason Gartin]

I understand completely. And I wish you well.

[Wathanya.5KY3]

Thank you.

[Scarlet]

As someone who journals, this is very interesting. I've definitely written down similar feelings. Its really hard. Everybody says that it'll get better, but it doesn't feel that way. I really relate to this, and I think its good that you're sharing your feelings.

[Wathanya.5KY3]

My journal is definitely different in the it-talks-back-to-me-no-seriously-it-does sense, hence the "schizoid adaptations" tag.

What depression does to us is making everything feel permanent when it pulls us into its dark void disguised as an embrace. The worst part is that it makes us feel good to feed it.

Writing this has been therapeutic to me. It was also, perhaps subconsciously, a cry for help, and I'm grateful that it summoned a friend to save my day.

[SweetNutmeg]

Modern medicine is amazing, what ills it will cure. I hope this was therapeutic, as tagged.

[Wathanya.5KY3]

It was therapeutic. And random, as tagged. xD