prologue

 

The noise came form behind him. He turned to look down the pitch black hallway. He remebered what it looked like the night before. There were many beautiful paintings and pictures of his family hanging on the walls. He had gotten his whole family wrapped up in the thing that he vowed to protect them from. He had been hideing here for years. He asked himself "had they finally found me? If it was them will I end up like the rest of my family?" He walked a little faster. Then he heard the noise again but it did not come from behind him this time but from directly above him. He ran towards the door but stumbled on a object and fell to the floor. He woke up in a bright room with chains binding him to the wall. He saw a figure walk in the room but could not make out its face.

 

Waking up the next day he realized he was in a familiar room, but couldnt quiet remember where the room was located. He looked around realizing there was nothing in the room. The door was a plain white color with one word written on it. It said "REDEMPTION". The last time he heard this word was the last time he was near his family and he knew what he had done to them. Realizing that his family could still be alive he made a promise to himself that he would find a way out of this place and look for his family. The strange figure walked into the room again, he could still not make out the face. The figure had an aura around it that blured everyone elses vison.

 

The figure stood there for a long time. Kearu then heard a voice but not out loud it was in his head. He tried to talk and no sound came out, and the voice in his head told him, "words can not be spoken where we are, but thoughts can be heard." Kearu asked in his thoughts about his family... No reply. He demanded that he know if his family was alive... Still no reply. The figure turned and walked away, but before the door closed it sent a message to Kearu saying, "You should have never gotten involved in this. This is and never was any of your buieness but now you'll have to help us cause alone we are not able to stop the upcoming evil."

 

Reviews

[Heidi]

for a prologue this is very detailed. a prologue is meant to be a introduction to a character, a setting or a plot. they are very vague. this feels like it should be part of a 3rd or 4th chapter. theres too much introduced to a reader at one time and the story has become slightly confusing.

you are very telling. the best way to tell a story is to show it, not tell it.
for example: Kearu then heard a voice but not out loud it was in his head. He tried to talk and no sound came out, and the voice in his head told him, "words can not be spoken where we are, but thoughts can be heard."

i would suggest changing the characters name to something that can be pronounced easily. im not even sure how its meant to be said and its distracting. within those two sentences you remind the reader repeatedly that vocalization is disabled and telepathic communication is the only option. you start to show this to the reader this but you dont trust them enough so you end up telling them flat out. here whats i mean:

Kearu heard an unfamiliar voice. Unsure of its origin he tried to respond but his voice failed him. The figure shifted and the voice spoke to him again, "Words can not be spoken where we are."

this shows your read that Kearu can not speak and that the figure, who i hope youll give a better description of, is communicating with him through his mind. learn to trust your readers. give interesting detail. its one of the hardest things to do as a writer because we want to show the reader exactly what we see in our heads, but stories have to be left open to interpretation or they become boring. no one likes reading pages of detail on a room. though, in some aspects your characters and descriptions are lacking development.

the more i type this name the more i dont like it =/ but is Kearu fightsy? you can show that through his responses. is he scared? paniced? right now hes a flat, emotionless character in a white room. how big is the room? do the walls blend together because of their color? these are all interesting details that can influence how your character feels and how he reacts based on what you know about him.

as the author, we are inclined to know our characters before we begin writing. you should know their favorite food, what music they listen to, when they got their first kiss and what their hobbies are. once you know these seemingly unimportant details about your characters, describing their actions and thoughts becomes much easier and you dont have to tell.

add some figurative language in there. not anything like edgar allen poe, who could ramble on about a metaphor for paragraphs, but something interesting, some sort of comparison.

there is no right way to show thought but i find it best to understand thoughts, from a readers point of view, if the thoughts are not in quotations and are italicized. it eliminates any confusion.

you seem to be telling the story as it happens...but in past tense, so its kind of awkward to read. stick to past tense, its the easiest for to write in and it doesnt get repetitive with "Is." you did start a lot of sentences off with "he."

if you need help or examples of any of this read a paragraph from my short story, "Derangement of the Mind." its the best thing ive written so far.

[nhscowgirl13]

Very good. You need to check your spelling, grammar, capitalization and so on. It was good. In the second paragraph im still unsure about adding the "figure" wlking back into the room. This seemed a little too deep into the story. Keep up the good work son :)