Drowning

                “Technically speaking I’m alive, I’m breathing and my hearts beating, but I’m really not here. I keep having this recurring dream. That I’m in the middle on the ocean, the sky is gray and desolate, and a huge wave hits me and takes me under. I’m drowning and I’m fighting to get to the surface, but every time I get there another wave knocks me down. My lungs fill with water and I cannot breath, I'm gasping but that’s only making it worse, my lungs are burning and then I realize that my hearts the one who’s truly suffering, and then I see his face, clear as day, and I reach out to touch him,” I paused for a moment, because I felt the tears coming.

            “And then I wake up, and I feel empty and I want to cry but I’m completely worn out from crying the night before. You don’t want me Adam, I’m messed up. I have problems, I’m damaged goods, it just wouldn’t be fair to you to have me like this.” I put my head in my knees.

            Either way I was suffering, I was suffering because I was hurting Adam and I was suffering because I couldn’t have Jason.

            “I know you miss him, and I know it hurts for you to think about him, but you have to let him go. He’s not coming back, he left you here alone and I’m here willing to give my all, I want you no matter how you are, I’ll help repair your mangled heart and make you happy again.” He said pulling me in for a hug.

 

Author's Note

Im thinking about expanding on this, tell me what you think, please review.

Reviews

[roarke]

Hard to comment on an idea piece. Simply because it can belong to anything and go anywhere. sometime for me, an idea can be a sentence, one phrase that sticks, then others follow. Sometimes it's a paragraph like this one that I let sit and age like a barrel of wine.... Other times it's a concept that starts to "write itself" and scenes, characters and plots evolve out of it. Write everything that comes to you, keep everything you write. Sometimes we snatch something from the creative cosmos but have no idea why or what it means or how we will eventually use it.But if we don't grab it, preserve it, it will soon evaporate and we missed the chance to learn from it and express it in a more enlightened venue. As an artist and musician, I was always fascinated by the similarities of the two arts. Music being the more pure abstraction of the arts, especially in it's improvisational form. Music exists within a determined period of time, real time. Art and writing don't have to. Yet writing and music intrinsically are both ephemeral in how they are breathed from the creative rarified air. Graphic art is an additive process, music and writing are more conjured. How's that for dodging your question? lol.
Run with it Brit.

[The Rock And Roll Cowbo..]

Yes you should expand it... give a little more incite to the characters so we can feel for them... I do like it so far.

This is really good. almost like a short story. life is hard when guy cause drama in your life even when it is partey your fault.

[Friks]

As a short story it would do very well, it is emotive and colorful, touching and, well lovely. I want to hear some more of her thought after Adam's beautiful response, which is not too perfect to be real for I was there several times... there are people wanting to be better and give more than we are willing to believe. And that not in a case of death or life but simply for the sake of the goodness of it.
It would be nice if you could do like an introduction to the situation, bit more of an extended line to the story as it currently feels as though one is plunked right into the middle of the climax, which is cool! But I WANT MORE! XD
I can see this in a film! Later in the story perhaps going back to what happened with Jason soon after bringing it to a resolve, or at least a conclusion however indefinite, or a continued toil with her nightmare... your story!

Expand! Expand! It's good! :)

[Steve]

Soooooo sweet. And real to life too. I like how this was written and all the descriptive language...nice job!

[Miss Coral]

I would change the first couple of sentences, and perhaps segway more into the end. If you do expand on this, please don't make it the cliche, "I think I'm not good enough, so why do you love me?" type of thing. Give it greater depth than that.
Overall, I do think that this could be really well, and I think it could interesting, but make it original and perhaps change the very beginning. Nice write, altogether.

-Coral-

[Maurice]

Yes, do expand on it. I also think that Adam's statement is a little bit too perfect; let him grapple with words a bit to make it more convincing.

[Jonathan De Elvira]

hurm...
i wasn't the love story kind of guy...
but you got something...try to expand it first...we'll see the result...

[Abigail T]

A very simple and honest piece you have here. There are a few typos, but I'm sure if you read it out loud to yourself, you'll catch them. I think it would be a great idea to expand this, because you already have me wondering about Jason, and who is was and what happened to him.

My critique would be Adam's response. It doesn't seem like something someone would actually say, especially a guy. It just seems too uplifting and too perfect for someone to say, you know?

Overall, definitely worth expanding.