Twenty One

Riley gets high.

Mr. Andrews sent me to the office for ‘disrespecting’ him, which I thought was really hypocritical, considering he was disrespecting Gideon. The principal just gave me a warning though. He said he could understand why I was upset, but next time, I’d get detention.  

At lunch, I asked Val if she thought Gideon had really drowned.  

“I mean... I don’t know Ry..,” she answered. “He never was the best swimmer.”  

I didn’t respond. It’s not that I didn’t believe what the cops had told me. I hoped that it wasn’t true. But my brain knew better than my heart.  

The next couple weeks were really hard for me. I was starting to wrap my mind around the fact that Gideon was gone. Dead. I’d never see him ever again. Some days were okay, but other days I was so depressed that I refused to get out of bed. I’d never missed many days of school before this month. My parents didn’t bother me much. I think they just wanted me to feel better. 

 

Three weeks after Gideon’s proclaimed death, we got a call from the police. They said that no bodies were found when they drug the swimming hole. This didn’t make me feel any better though. I’d already gotten used to Gideon’s absence. It still hurt. Bad. But it was beginning to feel familiar. Plus, if he was alive, he would’ve let me know by now. Somehow. I’m sure of it. Whether he called or wrote a letter, I’m confident Gideon wouldn’t let me go on thinking he was dead. 

I ran up to my room after I got home from school and swung my bedroom door open. A rush of cool air slapped me in the face. I walked in slowly and stopped in front of my bed. Then I crouched down to look underneath my bed at the shoebox I’d put Gideon’s necklace in almost a month ago. Slowly, I pulled it out from the darkness. Holding it in my hands, I stared at the dusty red converse symbol. 

Then slowly, I pulled back the lid and took out Gideon’s necklace. 

I hadn’t wanted to wear it before. It didn’t feel right. But now, enough time had passed. I missed him. I picked up the gold chain and held it in my palm. It felt cool in my hands. Comforting. I walked to my mirror with the chain still in my hand. I stood there, looking at myself. I was the same person who was hoping for a fresh start in this new town. But now, my boyish face was gone. I looked tired. Cheerless. My noticeable eye bags and frown lines made me look arguably worse than I felt. 

I took the chain in my hands and lifted it over my head. I stared at it, lying around my neck. Images of Gideon standing in front of me wearing the same chain necklace flashed in my mind. I sighed. He would’ve been happy that I was wearing it. Keeping his spirit alive, in a way. 

 

 

~

 

I sat the table with Val. It was quiet. Half of the friend group we once had was gone. Val’s face was stuck in her laptop, busy typing away. 

“What are you doing?” I asked her. 

Without looking up, she said in a solemn voice, “Essay. Due tomorrow.” I nodded, but she couldn’t tell. 

Nothing felt right. The empty void in my heart had seemed to grow bigger and bigger as the days went on, not smaller like people had said it would. I looked around the cafeteria. For what? I wasn’t quite sure. I noticed the junkies that Val and Adrian had warned me about across the room. One of the girls with long, greasy hair looked happy as she smoked. Large clouds of smoke exited her nostrils, but none of the teachers confronted her. I looked back at Val. 

“Be right back,” I said. 

She looked up from her computer and watched me walk towards the kids rolling their joints. 

“Wait, Riley, where are you going?” 

I ignored her. When I approached the table, I noticed Jed. He was wearing dark sunglasses. He looked up in my direction. 

“Hey dude,” he said with a dry, croaky voice. 

“Do I have to pay for some of that?” 

He looked down at the bag of weed I was pointing at.  

“Sorry man, it’s not for sale.” 

“I just want a little bit, don’t worry.” 

He shook his head. “Sorry, Riley. Get your own stash.” 

I could vaguely hear Val calling my name from the table, but I continued to ignore her. 

Just then, the girl who smoking spoke up. “Hey, aren’t you the kid whose boyfriend offed himself?” 

I looked down. I’d realized to find that looking at the ground is the only thing that keeps me from breaking down in tears. Any mention of him would just bring back the memories. The questions. Everything. I couldn’t even say his name out loud. Now, all I wanted to do was erase it from my mind.  

“Give the kid some weed, man,” the girl said. 

“It’s not his, Ash. I worked hard for this s**t.” 

“Dude,” was all Ash had to say in a stern tone before the boy rolled his eyes and handed me the bag and a lighter. 

“I don’t need all of it,” I said, startled that he handed me his whole stash willingly. But then again, it was likely not his only stash. 

“Take it or leave it.” 

“Okay...,” I started. But then, I came to the realization that I didn't know what to do. Or how to smoke it. 

“I...,” I stuttered. “I mean, what do you do?” 

Jed rolled his eyes as he started rolling up a joint for me. 

When he had finished, he handed it back to me. “Don’t inhale too much,” he called after me as I walked out of the cafeteria, and out the school doors.  

 

 

~ 

 

 

I sat beneath the bleachers on the football field, staring at the joint. I’d never done drugs before, but maybe it’d be for the best. I lit the joint, brought it up to my mouth, and inhaled. Suddenly, it felt like I was drowning in smoke. I coughed loudly, and saw the smoke leave my nose and mouth. “Don’t inhale too much,” Jed had said.  

I took a deep breath, this time inhaling less smoke. My lungs still felt clouded with the smoke, but this time I barely coughed. The smoke exited my nostrils in a steady stream. The relaxation didn’t kick in immediately, but it didn’t take long. ‘This isn’t so bad,’ I thought. I spaced out for a while, lost in my thoughts and the feeling of the high.  

Suddenly, I felt something move in my hand. It wasn’t the joint. It felt like a worm trying to crawl through my skin. I looked down at my other hand which was lying in the grass. The blades of grass were shooting straight through my hand. I couldn’t believe my eyes. They grew right through my hand as if my body was a hologram. 

That’s when I noticed that the ground beneath me was moving. It was twisting and turning as if I was looking through a kaleidoscope. Only I wasn’t. I got so startled that I stood up. Too fast though, because I lost my balance and fell back down onto my feet.  

‘Calm down, Riley,’ I told myself. ‘This isn’t real. You’re not seeing this.’ But I was. It was really happening. I wasn’t real. Finally, I was able to see the truth. I wasn’t real. The ground was alive. All this time, I’d been living a fake reality. ‘How weird,’ I thought. 

“Riley,” I heard a voice say. 

I looked around frantically to see where the voice was coming from. “Yes?” I replied aloud. 

“Riley,” the voice repeated. It was odd because the voice sounded familiar. I was sure it wasn’t Val’s voice. It didn’t sound like Jed’s or the stoner girl’s either.  

“Who are you?” I replied. I squinted and stared at the blurry school in front of me, in hopes that whoever had spoken, would soon appear.  

“Nice necklace you got there,” the voice repeated, louder this time. I looked to my left, and sitting next to me, was Gideon.  

Gideon.  

‘No. That’s impossible,’ I thought to myself. I quickly scooted away from him.  

“You’re not real,” I told him. I could hear my voice start to quiver. 

Without acknowledging my accusation, Gideon continued. “Stop.” 

Stop what? 

Stop smoking, Gideon said. But he didn’t say it. His mouth didn’t move. He just stared at me, smiling. But I could hear his voice. 

Then I understood. We could read each other’s minds. 

 

Why should I? 

 

You’re better than this.  

 

Still smiling, Gideon placed a hand on my shoulder.  

I pushed it away.  

 

But I have to. It hurts, Gideon. 

 

His smile faded. 

 

I know. The pain will fade, after a while. 

 

No. I need it to fade now. 

 

Gideon continued to stare at me, frowning. I stared back, into his familiar green eyes.  

Suddenly, everything I’d been trying to prevent flooded into my mind. Into my thoughts. The memories. They were more vivid than ever. And I couldn’t stop them. I could feel the tears start to flood my eyes, blurring my vision. I couldn’t stop them. The tears started streaming down my cheeks and a chuckle left my mouth. I tried to wipe the tears away, but they just came flooding back. I couldn’t stop them. The chuckles transformed into whimpers. 

 

Why’d you come here? 

 

I’m sorry, Riley.  

 

The tears continued to fall at a steady pace. 

 

I love you. 

 

I couldn’t tell whose voice had said the three words. Was it mine or Gideon’s? I assumed Gideon’s, because just like that, he was gone. He was no longer sitting next to me. He probably thought saying I love you would make a great exit. 

Then, I heard another voice.  

 

“Mr. Bellafiore?” 

I looked up, and vaguely saw a man in a red track suit. The gym teacher. 

“Mr. Bellafiore, come with me immediately.” 

I didn’t have enough energy or consciousness to argue. I willingly followed the teacher across the yard and back into the school, where he led me into the office. 

“Wait here. The principal will want to speak with you.” 

The principal. Great. 

Eventually, the principal opened the door and motioned for me to enter his office. Thankfully, I was slowly coming down from the high and the environment around me had stopped moving. At least to the intensity of the movement outside.  

“Mr. Bellafiore,” he said. “This is the second time I’ve seen you in my office in a week.” 

I stayed silent. “Care to explain?” he continued. 

I shook my head. 

“The first time you cussed out a teacher, and now you’re smoking weed at school. I understand you’re in pain after you recently lost your friend, but that’s no excuse to do what you’re doing. Keep it up and you’ll find yourself in a lot more trouble than this.” 

I scoffed.  

“Excuse me?” he asked, his brow furrowed. “Do you want to be in trouble?” 

I didn’t answer him. 

“Answer me young man!” His voice grew louder and angrier. 

“All I want is for everyone to leave me the f**k alone!” I yelled back, matching his tone. 

I met his eyes and noticed that he was getting pissed. Still glaring at me, he angrily snatched his phone off his desk and pressed a button. 

“Mrs. Lewis?” Suddenly his voice was calm and gentle. 

“Yes?” the secretary responded. 

“Can you please call Mr. Bellafiore’s parents and have them pick him up?” 

“Yes sir. What should I tell them is the reason?” 

Silence. He let go of the button. “I hate to do this to you son,” he said back to me.  

Then, pressing the button once more, “Three day suspension.” 

There was a click, indicating the secretary had let go of the button and was in the process of calling my parents with a reason for them to be disappointed in me yet again.