Twenty

Breaking the bad news.

Throughout the week, my mind didn’t stop spiraling. I was overthinking. A lot. But can you blame me? There were a million things that could’ve happened to Gideon. I was worried. I was worried about Gideon. I missed him. I felt lonelier than when I had no friends at my old school. I found out that the officers found Gideon’s home address and talked to his father. I can’t imagine how that went. Maybe better, since they were police, but I knew how stubborn and immature his father was- to say the least.  

I found that the only was I could silence my mind’s questioning was to sleep. So that’s what I did. For the whole week, I just stayed in my bed, not going to school. My parents came in to check on me a couple times, but they didn’t force me to go. I guess they knew what I was going through. Maybe. I don’t know. 

On Saturday, I was lying in my bed, covering my face with a pillow, when I heard a knock. Well, I vaguely heard it. It was muffled so I ignored it at first. But then I heard the door creak open. I groggily pulled my head out from underneath the pillow and squinted my eyes as they adjusted to the light. I saw a blurry figure standing in front of me. As my vision cleared, I saw that it was my mom. She had a sympathetic look on her face. One that I was now used to. 

 

“Good morning sweetie,” she said. I didn’t respond. “Honey, why don’t you get up?” 

My head plopped back down onto the pillow. I stared up at the ceiling. “I’m tired.” 

I heard my mom sigh. “Riley, a police man is at the front door.” I looked back up at her. “He would like to speak with you sweetie,” she continued. 

“About what?” My voice sounded more concerned than I had meant it. Even though, I was.  

My mom sighed and gestured toward the door with her hand. I groaned and drug myself out of bed. Apparently too fast though, because I began to feel dizzy and fell against the wall on my way down the stairs.  

“Whoa, careful there!” my mom said as she steadied me. I ignored her and continued making my way down the stairs. When I made it to the door, Officer Davis was standing outside it waiting for me. He looked sad. I know now, that deep down, I knew why. But I ignored it. I approached him slowly. 

“Hello Riley,” Officer Davis said. “I suppose you remember me? I was...” I nodded and he smiled. “Right, of course you do.” Suddenly his smile faded and his eyes large and concerned. 

“Listen, Riley. I have some news to share with you about Gideon.” That should’ve been a dead giveaway. But my heart had convinced my mind nothing was wrong. That’s why I was so surprised when he finally said it. 

“We... Officer Bennett and the task force working with he and I... we’re confident we know what happened to Gideon.” 

Happened?  

“We believe that your friend has drowned.” Boom. The sentence hit me like a bullet in the heart.  

And then, the lies went silent. No more “Everything’s alright. Gideon’s perfectly fine.” They were replaced with, “He’s dead. Gideon is dead. You knew he was. Don’t lie to yourself. Deep down, you knew Gideon’s fate all along. You just never wanted to accept it.” 

“We also have reason to believe he wanted to drown. Of course, we’re going to drag the swimming hole, but...,” Officer Davis continued. But I didn’t let him finish. I ran upstairs before he could see the tears in my eyes. I slammed my door and shoved my face back underneath my pillow, where I’d felt comfortable the past week.  

“Go to sleep. Go to sleep. This isn’t real,” I demanded. But the tears wouldn’t stop. They flooded my bed to the point where I had to remove the pillow from my head, or I might’ve drowned.  

Just like Gideon. I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t want to believe it. Gideon was gone. I could physically feel my heart being ripped in two. I continued crying and crying. I’d never related to Alice from Alice in Wonderland more than in this moment. I felt like my tears, like hers, would fill up the room. Whatever I told myself to try and make myself feel better just made me cry more. Gideon. Was. Gone. No more Gideon. Just like that. I’d never be able to kiss his perfect lips, hold his delicate hand, or even look into his beautiful eyes ever again. 

A few minutes later, a knock on my door interrupted my crying fit. I quickly wiped my eyes.  

“What?” I grumbled. 

My mom slowly creaked the door open and again, stepped inside my room.  

“I’m so sorry,” she whispered. I looked away from her and stared angrily down at my bed. “You guys were close, weren’t you?” she asked. 

I didn’t answer. “I’m sorry,” she continued. “I know. It’s too early.” 

I didn’t look up at her. “They arrested his father.” 

I still didn’t look at her, but I did feel a sudden rush of relief. “Riley, Officer Davis wanted you to have this.” 

I slowly lifted my head to see what she was holding in her hand. An evidence bag. She held the bag out to me. Then, cautiously, I took it from her. As soon as I felt the weight of it in my hand, I knew what was in the bag. I slowly pulled out Gideon’s pendant held it in my palm. I stared at it. The carefully carved lion, the gold chain that was once around his neck. 

“I’ll leave you be,” my mom said. She began exiting my room, but before she closed the door she said, “I’m sorry, Riley.”  

I stared at the necklace for a while. It was somehow comforting. Eventually, I put it under my bed in a shoebox. I didn’t know what to do with it. It felt wrong to wear it, but what else would I do with it? 

 

 

~ 

 

 

My parents made me go to school on Monday, even though I didn’t want to. They said it would be good for me to get out of the house and socialize. Plus, I had a lot of catching up to do. 

I threw on a black hoodie and a pair of sweatpants. I didn’t care if I looked sad and lazy. I was, so why not show it? I kept my hood up while doing my work. I didn’t feel like socializing with anyone. During my statistics class, Mr. Andrews walked up to me.  

“Riley,” he said. I looked up at him towering over me. “I heard about Gideon.” 

I quickly looked back down at my desk. The last thing I wanted to talk about was how I felt.  

“You know... gay teens are three times more likely to commit suicide than their straight peers. Suicide is also the second leading cause of death in the world for people 15 to 24 years old,” he continued. 

I looked back up at him again. I had no clue why he was telling me this. Was he somehow trying to comfort me?  

“I’m sorry Gideon became one of those statistics.” 

Suddenly I felt a pain in my chest. It felt like I’d been slapped in the face. I’d tried to contain my sadness and my anger throughout the day and ignore the judgmental and pitying glares. However, I couldn’t hold it back any longer. My head started feeling hot and I began to feel slightly dizzy. I stood up. I didn’t know what I was going to do. I felt like I was watching my life play out in front of me from someone else’s body.  

I walked closer to Mr. Andrews until we were almost a breath away. I was almost his height, but he was a bit taller than me. 

“What the f**k?” I muttered bitterly under my breath.  

“Excuse me?” he responded.  

I glared at him. “F**k you,” I said louder. Suddenly, the class was staring at me. “Gideon had a s****y, abusive, father. He thought that dying was the only way to escape him,” I explained angrily. “If only he knew that he had a support system,” I continued, my voice cracking.  

I looked at the ground. “We could’ve helped him.”  

Then I remembered everyone was staring at me. I looked back at Mr. Andrews, my face twisted into a furious expression. 

“He meant more to me than you’ll ever mean to anyone.” I continued staring into his eyes as he grew more and more angry. “He was- he is- more than a statistic.” 

Normally, I wouldn’t have dared to speak to anyone- especially a teacher- with that icy of a tone. But now, I didn’t care. I couldn’t save Gideon when he was alive, so I’d do as much as I could for him now that he was gone.