Second Chance

WARNING: This poem or short story involves depression and suicide. Please read at your own risk. You are loved. You are cared for.

I twirl my thumbs around

reclining in the moaning leather chair

A blank stare seems to take over my face

"Well?"

"Well, what?" 

"You just said you shouldn't even bother anymore, what did you mean by that."

My thoughts turn into a two vehicle collison

"I mean, why bother, you know?"

I'm looking in a mirror apparently

A sigh of reluctance escapes

"Everything is..just.. worthless."

The mirror changes to a quizzical frown

"Money isn't worthless, love isn't worthless,"

"How is it not, we use money for happiness and a feeling of contentment,

and we only use love to fill the void of discontentment."

"I suppose you have a point, but don't you want to feel better? Don't you want to remain happy?

Become successful, start a family?"

"Those superficial things are great and all, but when you really dwell on it, life just has no purpose."

"We eat to nourish ourselves, drink to live, breathe to live, and here you sit saying life has no purpose?"

"That's what I'm saying, yeah."

"Life isn't a video game you know. You can't just kill yourself and wish to start over."

"Maybe if I were to jump out that window I would reincarnate or some s**t."

"I'm no believer of reincarnation. You would die and be buried or cremated just like the rest of us."

"Maybe one day I want to be nothing but the next layout of pavement on the sidewalk. I get stepped on anyways."

The frown looks almost like a clown's makeup at this point, streaking down the face even more.

"That's.... very dark of you to say."

"Well it's your fault, you diagnosed me with depression, remember?"

"The blame game won't even remotely help your cause."

"Probably not, but it feels nice to maintain irresponsibility for my own selfishness."

"You're not selfish because you have a mental disorder, not one bit."

I chuckle accidentally 

"I don't know how many times I have to tell you, no matter how much "reassurance" you feed me I still 

feel guilty as all hell, it's just who I am."

"You have no reason to feel any guilt, though."

"Yes, I do. I have ten chapters worth, actually."

"Oh? And how's that?"

"Everything is just.. my fault."

A loud buzzer from across the room goes off.

It's a phone alarm

"I'm afraid that's all the time we have for today, fortunately. Why don't you try and relax when you get home?"

Relax? Relax!? As if I could ever "Relax."

"Yeah. Yeah, thanks."

"There's supposed to be flurries, drive safe!"

I hear called out as the oak door shuts with a loud clasp

I hurry to my car, using my collar to shield from the heavy gusts of white

There's a bridge nearby with hardly any traffic

Only a little white beetle barely visible and a red truck

Wouldn't want to traumatize anyone, now, would we?

They wouldn't be traumatized, if anything they would cry simply because I'm a human being.

Oh contraire, a couple of people would care.

Doubtful, they don't even know me. Besides, I hate sympathy

The tiny beetle and intimidating truck drive away

When I was younger I always wondered how nice the water would feel

Just swimming through the murky blue river, beneath an aesthetically pleasing highway

Watching the cars buzz by

No cars are in sight

My toes reached the point of barely feeling

Hands clammy and dry

No friction to give warmth, no walking to get feeling back

All feeling is lost

I've been staring at the water for over an hour

The winds are more brisk, and my ears sting

I take off my converse

My socks immediately turn damp and cold

As I step even closer to the edge, a dizzy feeling takes over

No family, no real friends, no person of interest

There's nothing left for me

I peel the layers of my heavy coat, my hoodie, and my flannel off

As I progress, the wind only picks up with strength

My back is now bare

I glance around one more time 

There's no white, no red, no colors

Like needles, the wind digs into my skin, pricking every pore

I crawl to the top of the structure, looking down

Life's not a video game, huh?

Not once have I 'leveled up,' or reached any type of checkpoint.

So what choice other than to "respawn"?

I lose my balance too soon, attempting to grab at the bar of the bridge

I'm hanging

A good estimate of 50 feet of water and rocks below me

The wind feels like bullets against my bare skin 

Each shot more painful than the last

Nothingleft

Nothing. left.

I decide to let go, and feel every ounce of my weight falling to the abyss 

My last thought for this life

Sometimes goodbye is a second chance.

 

Author's Note

I involved Shinedown's "Second Chance" in this work. Credit of the last line is reserved to them completely.

Reviews

[Thepensiveplayer]

There's a tremendous amount of honestly and authenticity in this poem because some people do feel like that. I'd say the slightest nudge on a path can change a person for the better if they're already down. Your poem reminds me of what some of my friends have went through and I pulled them out of it. Maybe I'm a hopeless optimist but I tend to see the best in people, when they see the worse in themselves. You've got a nice fire in your spirit to be able to write like this. Let me fuel it with some positive encouragement :) I say life's always worth living because your place in the world is greater than you realize. I think the value in someone stems from their birth and its worth can't be measured because there's no one like you. Keep writing and growing. take care.

[Crowley]

Darkly wrought and with a subject matter that is all too familiar for some. I thought your dialogue was very good. That is one of the hardest things to get right is to make dialogue sound and "feel" authentic. That kind of dialogue does wonders for fleshing out the being and vibe of a character. So many times it comes out stilted and trite, but this sounded real. The subject is a hard one to deal with and you brought out some of the thought processes very well, made me feel sad just thinking that there are a lot of people in this situation. Great write, loved it!!!

[Wyrn Tiger]

Had to read this one a fourth time, wrighten so swell and you do it so well

[Wyrn Tiger]

You've inspired me so much and i enjoy writing comments so keep writing good work so i can keep wrighting comments

[Wyrn Tiger]

everyone deserves a second chance but I've had too many. Everything falling down, I'm not safe and sound on this supposed solid ground, life is winding up for this ultimate pound that'll drive me into the ground. If i had the chance to live with no regret, id fret that id miss ware I am today

[C. Lee Battaglia]

"I've been staring at the water for over an hour
The winds are more brisk, and my ears sting
I take off my converse
My socks immediately turn damp and cold
As I step even closer to the edge, a dizzy feeling takes over
No family, no real friends, no person of interest
There's nothing left for me
I peel the layers of my heavy coat, my hoodie, and my flannel off
As I progress, the wind only picks up with strength
My back is now bare"

I struggle with Anxiety and depression. It sucks sometimes but the cure that I've found is to write! It's the most joyful thing that I do. I know what your going through because I too, have been in the same spot. I just wanted to let you know that whatever you go through... whenever it just feels like it's too much for you... write! It will take away those pains and hardships. I would also like to say that you have real potential in your writing and I am Genuinely surprised how amazing your writing style is! It was fantastic and I just wanted to let you know that you could even one day be a published author/writer if you wanted to! Keep smiling, keep writing, and most importantly. be you! You have a talent and this is a talent that all people should see and read!
I have a story here about my best friend, you don't have to read it if you don't want to, but I felt like I should share it with you. :)

Your friend,

C. Lee Battaglia

http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/chasebattaglia/1445363/

[Riley]

I can't express my gratitude through words for your comment. When I had checked my recent activity, I was very deep in the void of wanting to kill myself. It felt like I was never going to get out of those feelings. Your comment sticks with me the most, as when I read it, it felt as though fate was trying to tell me from you "It's not worth it, and here's why." With that, i thank you dearly for getting me out of that void, and I treasure your feelings.

[C. Lee Battaglia]

:) These feelings, if we keep them bottled, they will fester and start to itch... soon they'll get to the point where you start to scratch and bleed. Emotions all they need is an outlet... a way that we can express our self without keeping our emotions so bottled and just waiting to go over our heads. You are a very talented writer and I loved your poem. I urge you to keep writing and sharing your feelings, because if you do, you just might be the one to change someone else's life.
You are most welcome!