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Oct 15/04

9:56 am

 

“I never want to leave this bed. It’s my new home. I’ll live here till my body says “f**k you”. I said out loud. I was in my bedroom just waiting for something not sure what. But no matter what it was I didn’t really want to leave this bed. I hated what I had become. The person I was now. I missed the person I was before. I missed walking out of my house with a smile on my face. Days when I didn’t have to try to live my life. It was just something I could do. Not now. Now I can’t even get out of bed to go to the bathroom without every part of my body yelling at me to stop. To just never move again.

            “What the hell are you doing?” Sam said running though my door. He looked so hurt. Just looking at me must have killed him. He’s been trying so long to keep me happy everyday and I was letting him down. I was hoping my life would end by now. “We need to get you out of here. And fast. Look at what your life has become.” He was trying to pull me out of bed. The more he pulled the more pain I was in. Even moving my eyeballs hurt.

            “You don’t understand what I’m going through. I need to stay here and wait for something to happen.” He let me go. I rolled up in to a ball again trying so hard not to look at him. I hated seeing the look on people’s faces when they were looking at me like this.

            “I don’t understand? I understand alright. You’ve just stopped trying. If you would just try again, just try and be...”

            “DON’T YOU DARE SAY THAT WORD TO ME!!!” I yelled at him. Yelling at him put me through so much pain but I knew if I hear him say the word “happy” I would have felt that for a few days. Me yelling at him I could hide away deep down till he left and I would deal with it later.

            “I don’t understand what happened. You were doing so good and everything. You were going back to class. Getting your work done. Being a normal human being.” He sat down at the end of my bed. Just having someone that close to me right now felt so bad. It felt so wrong. It made me felt like I was living and I didn’t want to feel that.

            “That was the problem. I can’t be normal Sam. It just got to hard.” I could feel the tears starting to come out of my eyes but I didn’t want him to see them. I held them back. Away from the people that cared. Away from the world that let me down just as much as I let it down. “Sam I need you to leave. I can’t be around you right now.” I hide my face deep in to my arms so that I can’t see the light and the light couldn’t find me.

            “You no I can’t do that. I’ve never left you for anything. I’m not going to start now. I’m here for you.” He moved closer to me on the bed. I would have moved away from him but I was in so much pain already I didn’t have the power to do it.

            “Sam. I’ve never wanted you around. You’ve never helped me with anything. If anything… you made me like this. I just need you to leave me alone.” I couldn’t even believe I said those things to him. He was the only person that cared that wasn’t Rob. Rob and Sam were the only people that cared anymore. And I was telling Sam so many lies. I guess I was telling him lies because in the time he walked in my door I found out what I needed to do with my life. I didn’t want to hurt him like this but it would be e-zer having him mad at me when I killed myself. Maybe when he found out about me for just a second he would be happy I was gone. I just want my best friend Sam and my lover Rob to be happy.

            “Is that really how you feel.” He’s mouth was hanging open with so much pain. I didn’t want to see it. I didn’t want to see more pain. It would just make me want to kill myself right here with him in the room. He closed his mouth and got up from the bed. It seemed like he was trying to find the right words to say. He walked over to the window with his arms crossed. “I’ve been by your side for years. Trying to help you. Hope you no what your doing. I hope losing me like this makes your life better. Just no I love you.” And with that said he walked out of my room with a tear rolling down his face. I wasn’t sure what I was doing was the right thing to do but I had to get him out of here. As soon as I could.  

 

Oct 15/04

9:55 am

 

       “ROB!!! GET BACK TO WORK!” my boss yelled at me. I’ve been having so much on my mind the past month that if I fucked up today I was going to get fired. I needed this job more then anything right now. The money to pay for everything she needed. Just to see some kind of joy in her face was all I wanted to do. She didn’t have to be happy… she just needed to no everything was going to be okay no matter what. And to have a little joy in her life no matter what it was.

            “I’m just putting this box full of stuff out. As soon as I’m done I’ll go work in the back.” I said with so much sadness. You could just tell from my voice how upset I am. Its not from work or anything. It was because I couldn’t help the one of love.

            “Good. About time you start working around here.” I hear him say as he walked away from me to go to the back of the store. Nothing I ever did made him happy. I could clean the whole store and sale 100’s of things and he would still find something wrong with me.

            BANG! I hear from the other said of the store. It sounded like ½ the store had fallen down. As I was running to the other side I was wishing it was someone with a gun to kill me so I wouldn’t have to spend another hr in this hell. As soon as I got to the other side of the store all I saw was this old man standing over a box that had fallen full. I didn’t understand how a box full of candy’s could make that big of a mess.

            “you alright sir?” I said. My voice being so dead I couldn’t believe I was even alive anymore.

            “Oh yes sunny.” I couldn’t even believe people still said “sunny” now a days. It had to make you smile. “I was just trying to get some candy’s for a few kids that live on my street.” He said. He was talking to me like I really cared what he was saying but I just blocked it all out. He was talking and talking and talking but I didn’t hear any of it. I just saw his mouth moving. “Hey kid” he said.

            “Yes?” I said looking up at him. I was trying to pick up all the candy’s for him before my boss came out and started bitching at me for no getting my work done. “Is there anything else I can do for you sir?” I said holding the box of candy out for him to grad.

            “No, but I do have something I’d to say to you.” He said looking right in to my eyes. It kind of felt like he was looking in to my soul. “you’re going a great job.”

            “Oh sir, I only picked up your candy.” I said kind of with a smile but at the same time I just couldn’t hold it up anymore.

            “I didn’t mean at work. You’re doing a great job with Sara.” He said with a big smile on his face. After he said that he grab his candy’s and he left to go and pay for them. He left me standing there with a dumb look on my face. I couldn’t believe someone I’ve never meet in my whole life could tell me the one thing I’ve been looking for. I just wanted to no that me working at this s**t job and night after night hearing her cry and b***h about everything I was doing the right thing.

 

Oct 15/04

12:32 pm

 

            “I need to get out of this bed and to the bathroom. I need to get out of this bed and to the bathroom.” I kept telling myself but my body hurt so much I didn’t think I could make it to the bathroom. I didn’t want to do it here in the bed because I didn’t want to get blood all over the place. If it was in the bathroom it would be e-z to do because I could just take pills or it would be really e-z to clean it off the floor.

            “Oh come on. This will be the last time you’ll ever have to move again. The last time you’ll ever have to make yourself do something.” I told myself. I moved my head off the bed and in to the air. My head felt so heavy I couldn’t believe it was on top of my body. As I was walking to the bathroom I couldn’t believe this is where I ended up. I never wanted it to be this way. The next thing I no I’m holding the bottle of sleeping pills in my hand hoping I’ll just take them and pass out and never wake up again. I open the bottle.. I put the first pill on my hand.. I put it in my mouth.. I grab a glass of water.. I got to drink it…

 

Oct 15/04

11:58am

 

            “ROB!!!” yelled my boss. I could feel my eyes rolling back. I could feel myself telling myself to calm down already. It was just going to be one of those days when its going to take me hrs to get out of here.

            “Yes.” I said walking over to the front of the store. I looked like there wasn’t anyone in. That’s probably why he yelled for me. “Anything you want me to do before I leave?” I ask. I no if I don’t he’ll probably be pissed.

            “No, I just wanted to tell you. This older man said you helped him out today and he just wanted to thank you. He also says every time he comes in here your working really hard. Funny part is… ive never seen him before. Anyways… just wanted to tell you that. But you can leave now.” I no if I said anymore he would get me to do something else before I left. And I really just wanted to get home to my girl. I could believe that old man had said that to my boss. But my boss was right, I don’t remember ever seeing him before today. How would he know? Just like how would he know about Sara?

            I left work as fast as I could and I walked home. It takes about 20mins to get there from work. But I kind of like the walk it gets me away from Sara and her problems and from work. Not that I don’t like helping her its just getting really bad. I’m not to sure what to do anymore when it comes to her. Most of the walk home I don’t remember. I spend so much time in my head I don’t remember much anymore. As I up to the door and open it I don’t hear anything. I don’t hear crying. I don’t hear anything breaking. I hear nothing. I run to the bedroom, she’s not on the bed. I run to the bathroom.

            “What are you doing?” I say. She’s holding a glass of water in one hand and a sleeping pill in the other hand. She most of been crying a lot today because her eyes are as red as blood. “what happened?” I said. I wasn’t sure she heard me because I had said it so low.

            “Everything hurts. I just wanted to fall asleep and never wake up.” She put the pills down. She was looking at them like she didn’t no what she was doing. “I didn’t want to hurt you and Sam anymore.” She started holding herself like she was going to fall into pieces. I moved closer to her and put my arms around her. I walked her over to the bed and she started crying.

            “We need help Sara.” I said. I didn’t want to look at her when she was this down. It hurt my soul to see her like this. I put her on the bed. “Sara, I’ve been doing everything I can to help you but I’m not sure that’s all you need anymore.” I went and sat beside her on the bed. “I love you.” I said looking down at the bed. I didn’t no what to say anymore.

            “I think I need it to.” I think looking at me hurt her. She wouldn’t look in my eyes or at my face. And for the first time in a long time, her eyes didn’t look depressed, it looked like there was a little hope deep down in them. I kissed her head put her to bed and I walked in to the bathroom, take the sleeping pills and put them in the garbage.

 

Oct 16/04

6:30am

 

            “It’s the right thing to do hun.” I said. I’ll be here to help no matter what. I said kissing the top of her head. “Just go in that offices and tell them everything. Don’t hold anything back.” I put on a little smile so she would no I believed in her.

            “Sara?” said this lady in all pink. “Please follow me.” I kissed her before she left me. At the moment I believe that maybe that old man that was buying candy the day before wasn’t just an old man. He was god telling me I was doing a good job but I needed to do more for her.