Holding on

 

        Note: This story I wrote for one of my biggest fans. He nos who he is... hope you like it. And if you don't. just tell me. i'll write you a new one

 

    

It happened again. Got up in the middle of the night with my face full of tears. This was how I always got up now a day’s. I looked over at the time “2:45am”. I wanted to go back to bed because I was so tired but I knew if I did the dreams would come back to me and I’d wake up even more upset then I alright am. I got out of bed really fast so that wouldn’t wake up my husband. I walked out of the bedroom slowly closing the door behind me. I walked as softly as I could down the hall to the living room. I found a place to sit and turned on the T.V to see if there was anything on. Like most Saturday nights all that was on was porn. I put on one of the many porn shows I watch just to keep myself from falling asleep. I could feel my eyes closing on me. I got up and went to make myself some tea. Tea always helped me stay up. As I walked back to the tv Steven was awake. He was watching whatever I had on the tv.

            “Did I wake up?” as my heart felt like it had moved down in to my stomach. I always felt bad for waking him up so late every night. Because of me we both only got like 4 hrs a sleep every night, if we were lucky.

            “Not really. I’ve got use to waking up at around 3.” He said as he looked at me with tired eyes. “I don’t understand why you watch porn at night. Do you get something from it?” He asked as he kind of smiled because I guess he loved the fact I would watch porn with him as much as I do.

            “I don’t really no. It just kind of keeps me up because some of the things they do are pretty cool.” I said as I walked over to sit with him. He put his arm around me. This is what home most feel like. Feeling the heat from his body as I was drinking my tea that was all warm in my hands. This is what love most be. Waking up at 3 am in the morning from nightmares and watching porn with the man you love.

            “What nightmare did you have today?” He asked but his eyes were still on the tv.

            “The one where I can’t help her. The one where I watch her fall in the hole and I can’t help her out.” I said. I could feel tears starting to come down my face. My soul felt as if it was breaking in to two. I never liked to talk about my dreams even with Steven. A nightmare is a nightmare. It’ll scared you to the point of no return.

            “Oh.” That’s all he said. I guess after a year of the same nightmares that’s all you would have to say too.

            “Hun I’m really sorry for all of this.” I said. I was trying really hard to stop crying but no matter what I did I just kept crying. I moved my head closer to Steven’s arms. Having him hold me late at night always made me feel safe. But tonight it wasn’t working. The closer I got to him the more I felt unsafe. I pulled back from his body. He stopped looking at the TV.

            “Something wrong my love?” he said with so much care in his voice. I couldn’t stand being beside him right now. I got up and walked across the room. I was looking out the window down at the black street when a car drives by. “You going to tell me or not?” he said walking over to get himself a cup of tea. Because I couldn’t sleep anymore we both lived off tea.

            “I don’t know what it is. But I have a bad feeling about tonight.” I said. I couldn’t even look at him without feeling bad. I wanted to be in his arms more then anything but if it hurt so much to be in his arms I just couldn’t do it.

            “Do you know what day it is?” he asked me. I wasn’t thinking about the date. I was trying to find out why I wouldn’t feel loved my Steven.

            “No, what day is it.” Like it really mattered. All I knew was I had to go see my mother today. Maybe talking to her would help me out. Find out why it was starting to hurt to be in the same room with him. My mother was my best friend. She’s been there for me everyday this year holding my hand and tell me its going to be okay. I know if I could talk to her everything would be alright again.

            “It’s July 4^th.” He said as he drank out of his cup of tea and as he was looking at the wall just in front of him. He didn’t even want to look at me anymore.

            “What? Is it really? It’s been a year and I didn’t even know it?” My month just dropped up. Tears starting running down my face but I didn’t want to stop them. I wanted the world to see I was in pain. “I’ve been dreaming about this for 12 months and I didn’t even no what day it was.” I can’t take it anymore. I couldn’t stand here and have this be my life. I didn’t want the nightmares and the late nights with no sleep and every min of everyday be about her. So I ran. I didn’t have any shoes on. I didn’t even get dressed. I just left the house in my pjs and didn’t care where I was going.

            “Caroline, where are you going?” said Steven from behind me. I didn’t want to stop and tell him not to worry because I was scared if I stopped now I would never get to do this again. I just run down the street hoping but the time I stopped something inside of me would have changed, made things better. I wanted to run to a world where moms and dads don’t have to see there child die. A world where nothing goes wrong and you can really live happy.

            I got to the end of my street and it hit me. No matter how fast I was running or what time it was, I wasn’t going to change from this. I was hiding behind the running. I had to stand up and take every hit the world had for me. No matter how bad it was. I walked slowly over to the bridge that I drive over everyday and a little part of me always wishes id get hit by another car and fall off. I walked over to the middle of the bridge. I looked over the edge of the bridge and I saw her face in the water. My beautiful baby girl, with a smile that could move the heavens. Once again I could feel a tear falling down my face but this time it wasn’t because I was sad, or because of a nightmare. It was because I was happy. Not happy my baby was gone and I’d never see her again. I was happy because I was part of her.

            “Sweetie, I miss you.” I said putting out my hand trying to save her from the water. I wanted to pull her out. I wanted her here with me right now. I needed her. “Baby, please, help mommy.” I said getting closer and closer to her hand. She didn’t say anything just moving backwards. “NO I CAN’T LOSE YOU AGAIN. I WON’T LET YOU FALL AGAIN” I said. I lost my footing. As much as I wanted to die before I didn’t want it to be like this. But just before I hit the water, a picture of Steven holding Alice for the first time ran passed my eyes and water came running after.  

           

           

 

            “CAROLINE!” I yelled. My heart was beating so hard in my chest I was pretty sure if I was to look down I would see it coming out of my chest. I wanted to run after her so bad. I wasn’t sure what she was going to do. I was almost never sure what she was going to do now a days. The lost of Skylar was hard on her. It was worse then hard, she was very hostile towards everything and anything. It was hard to live with her but I couldn’t let her go. She was having a hard time living ever hr without her in her life. As I watched her run down the hall with no shoes, a part of me kind of wish she would leave forever and never come back because maybe then I could work on moving on myself. It had been a year to the day that we had lost Skylar but she was acting as if it was still the day after she passed away. Most people don’t like going to work they always want to stay home I always wanted to go to work. It was a break from all the pain I had to watch everyday on her face. I went to move my feet to go and chase after her but it was as if I couldn’t move my whole body. I couldn’t move to get her, to stop her. I couldn’t even move to go back in to the apartment. It was as if my body was stuck in time and I couldn’t get myself out of it. I closed my eyes trying to work on my breathing.

 

In through your mouth.

Out from your nose.

In through the mouth.

Out from the nose.

 

I had learned that when Caroline was in labour. It really seemed to calm her down and now a days I really understand why it works. As I take my time to calm down I walked back in to the apartment. I felt like it was a dream. I walked over to the phone and called her mom. I knew if anyone that could calm her down it was her.

            Ring

            Ring

            Ring

            “Hello?” Grace said ask she picked up the phone she sounded so tired I felt so bad for waking her up so early.

            “Hey Grace, Its Finn. I’m sorry for calling so late. Caroline just ran out the door with no shoes crying and I’m not sure what I should do. I’m scared that she’ll do something.” I could feel the tears building up in my eyes. I wasn’t one to cry very much but this are one of the reasons I knew even after all the stress ive had to deal with over the passed year with Caroline I knew I still loved her madly.

            “What happened? Why did she run off?” Grace asked. She didn’t sound like she was all that surprised that she had run away.

            “We got up early like we always do. And she didn’t no it was…” I stopped. It was as if the air in my lungs had run out. I couldn’t seem to get the words out to tell her what day it was. It seemed so easy to tell Caroline that it was July 4^th. Before I knew it she had already said the words for me. Like she was reading my mind.

            “July 4^th. I know. I was hoping I could talk to her before she did something. Ill try and find her.” She sounds as if she was all torn up. “Ill call you if I no anything.” Before I could say anything to her she hung up the phone. I was so scared that she wouldn’t find her. I knew I couldn’t just stand here and do nothing. I had to go and find her myself. I want to hold her in my arms and make her feel like she was home again.

Author's Note

I changed some things and i added some more. A friend of mine asked if i would writie more so i said i would try. I would like to no what other people thing before i show her what ive come up with. Thank you for anything comments you can give. And im sorry for the spelling. Was going to look at that once ive done all the writing and all. So people dont comment on the spelling thank you very much. :)

Reviews

[Wildecat]

This is a very touching and emotional story, you did a fine job writing this. Well done.