Full Of Pain

 

            “Have you ever made yourself fall asleep just because you didn’t want to be apart of the world anymore? You felt like if you fell asleep so deeply and for so long that by the time you get up the world won’t have a clue who you were. It would be like you were just born again?” I didn’t want him to be beside me hearing what I was saying. I wanted him to be somewhere else. And I wanted it to seem like I was talking to myself.

            “You no how many times I do that?” He said. He wasn’t really looking at me. He was more talking to himself then me. He was looking up at the sky like he could see someone in the sky. “Can you just picture what life would be like for everyone around you if you weren’t there for them? To help them when they needed you?” He said as he started lying down on his back to look up better. “Do you think any of them would miss me? Or you if you died?” He said looking right in to my eyes like he was trying to find out who I was.

            “Why do you think no one would miss you? You’re the only person in this world that is you. And you just what to leave the world thinking everyone wouldn’t miss you?” I wasn’t sure if he wanted me to be right beside him but this time and in this place with all the trees and the way life seemed to be for both of us I felt like I needed him to be alive for just a min and maybe he needed me just as bad.

            “You’re the one that wants to die in her sleep.” He said with a little smile on his face like he had something smart to say for once.

            “It’s not that I want to die.” I started saying as I got the balls to be lying down beside him. “I just want to be born again. To start a new life. Because I feel the life I’ve been living just wasn’t what I could have made it. I feel if I got to start all over and do everything again I could really become the girl I want to be.” His eyes were so blue that for a sec as I was looking in to his eyes I felt like I was on the sea. Being set free from the world that was hold me.

            “Do you really think that’s ever going to happen? You think life works like that? Life isn’t a video game. Your on this world with what you have and you can’t change it. So we have to deal with what we have and stop asking for more.” As he was talking, it was as if he was trying to make himself believe that he had a chance to be saved and to live a happy life.

            “So… your saying I should be happy with what I have?” I said making myself stop looking at his face. It was so perfect it was hard thing to do.

            “Yes, is that so hard to do?’ he asked me.

            “Why can’t you do it then?” I couldn’t believe it had just came out of my mouth. I said it with so much hate in my voice I couldn’t believe he was still beside me.

            “I have to much hate in my body to move on.” He said. I could hear the sadness in his voice now. I couldn’t believe I never hear it before. It was deep in his voice I didn’t even notice. “I move on with what I have. I have to live in my passed and make it work for me. I have to live with every pices of hate I have lift in me and not do a damn thing about it.” He sat up. I guess he couldn’t help it. Next think I knew he was in a ball trying to hold him self together. I wasn’t sure what to do or say. I didn’t want to hear it. I for sure didn’t want to believe it. I just said the first thing that popped in my head.

            “Believe in whatever you need to, to live. Because if you die on me because of this hate of yours. I’m going with you. I’m nothing without you.” I put a little smile on my face to show him I wanted him to be okay. “Your like my soul.”

            With that he put a smile on his face and as we were sitting in the park by both of  our house he hugged me. And I knew from that hug that he was my best friend till the end of time.