For Those That Wish To Be, To Become Those That Are

Short musing (423 words) about fragmented identity and social anxiety. This isnt some clichéd emo stuff (atleast I sincerely hope it doesnt come across like that) Feeback appreciated! Enjoy

Do you ever feel like your identity is subject to context? Like your some freakish chameleon with no fixed character, taken away by the day to day environs of your life, and emotions of those around you

Those more shy than you see you as an extroverted footloose character from Sex and the City.

Whilst those more confident than you see you as some weirdo introvert, that would be better off as an extra on the Adams Family.

Sometimes these thoughts others have of me consume my consciousness. I get so wrapped up in them I can no longer just “be.” At moments it gets so extreme I become their thoughts. I speak and move in the way they see me, or at least how I perceive they see me. Followed by hours of self-loathing, in which I mentally rehearse every moment of the spectre of my fake being.

I get momentary bursts of clarity, as if awoken in my own tailor made matrix, constructed by low self-esteem and paranoia. In these moments, I think “this is bullshit, I’m f*****g nuts” “nobody thinks that of me” “or if they do, who gives a s**t about someone who doesn’t even understand irony?!” eg, my mother’s latest boyfriend.

The point is I am f*****g stuck. I cannot just simply BE. I am so profoundly aware of everything around me and within me that nothing makes sense anymore. All rational analysis and judgement becomes polluted by my sick inferiority induced perceptions and desire to be liked.

Stand-up comedians are known for having this intense desire to be liked and validated. I hear, that after each laugh received from a joke it feels like someone just injected your low self-esteem with heroin, momentarily floating around in happy land, in which you are the master of the universe. They work to be loved in a systemic, and probably deeply destructive way. I don’t have that.

Instead, if people don’t like me, I just sit there and let it fester silently, uttering a few alien sentences, feeling as if in the body of some bizarre socially awkward character I feel has been projected on to me. I do not challenge this assumption and work to be loved. I weakly take it and reinforce it through my defeat. And then of course write about to you guys, like a pathetic idiot.

I don’t want to be a validating seeking comedian, or a self-loathing weakling. I just want to BE.

 

 

Author's Note

please inform me of your thoughts regarding this piece. grammatical points are of less concern. i am more interested in whether or not it was engaging or felt truthful. or if it didnt, why so?

Reviews

[M.E.Lyle]

It seemed genuine. Growing up I was introvertish, feeling much of the same thoughts. The great thing about becoming an old...and I mean, really old, is, after a while you stop caring what people think. I go to the supermarket in old sweat pants pulled up around my armpits just for laughs. I don't really do that, but I think, that's what younger folks expect me to look like. I have some old white socks with orange stripes around the top. Maybe I'll add that to my wardrobe of dress up.
The point here is, if there is one, is, you really only have to please yourself. If you're happy being who you are then great.
Have a wonderful life.
Old Fart Guy.

[walkingdollhouse]

Oh thank you so much "Old Fart Guy," haha. Your review seems like genuine words of wisdom. And I believe that will happen, and can already feel that happen. Even though I definitely feel these thoughts often, I dont feel them always. And interestingly enough I dont think people that know me in real life would conflate this writing with my personality. Irrespective of that, I do feel myself caring less, and its good to here that age increases this lack of having to please everyone before yourself and that it all just boils down to being happy with who you are. Thanks again!

[Satan]

WOW!!!!!!! You are so real!!!!!!!!! Just BE whatever the f**k you want to BE!

[walkingdollhouse]

haha awesome! and i will be!