Face the Strange by Dallas Philpott -- PART 2

We continue the travel into complete and utter insanity which somehow finds a way to get even MORE confusing!

WARNING: I do not own the following products: Harry Potter, Sonic the Hedgehog, Naruto, Twilight, Yu Yu Hakasho, The Nightmare Before Christmas, The Legend of Zelda & X-Men and the other media used this. Also seeing as how this fanfiction was taken off of deviant art and fanfiction.net, the following fanfiction belongs to the actual owner: Dallas Philpott. You can read this fanfiction on this website: http://xdallyx.webs.com/

EXTRA WARNING: The following review includes some graphic material having to do with sexual intercourse. If you are mature enough to read that with some censoring then continue, if not please wait until I am done with the Face the Strange series until you return to reading my reviews.

Fanfic #8: Face the Strange by Dallas Philpott

 

Ok, no dilly dallying: LET’S CONTINUE THIS TREK INTO INSANITY!

 

The fifth chapter begins with the group trying to find Dumbledore around all the local areas. All areas turn up nothing until Draco comes up with the most brilliant of plans…HE’S IN THE MALL.

Uh…no. That makes NO sense. Why would Dumbledore, who KNOWS HE’S BEEN SEEN AND SHOULD PROBABLY RUN, go to a store?...Oh yeah, because he’s gay. And therefore, if you are gay you are the most stereotypical “fabulous” man on the block, right? I have a gay friend, and he is NO WHERE like that, but maybe I have the DIFFERENT kind of homosexual friend.

They check in all of these stores until they find him in the “qu***est of all stores… Holster.”

MOST INCOMPETENT. VILLAIN. EVER.

The group pull up their magic wands to cast a curse on him, however Dumbledore “He flew in the air and wobbled like a booby”.

What an odd simile.

Dumbledore escapes when “Dallystarted getting morning sickness all over the store”

...Did I read that right?...No, no, no, it must be another grammatical error or so-

“’THIS IS NOT MY FAULT,’ said Hiei. Just then he started to show his true colors… ‘it wasn’t me… I swear to god it wasn’t me…’”

Wait…are you being serious about this?

“’It WAS you,’ Dally insisted. She could not believe he was denying it.. they had sex a hundred times and she never had sex with any of the ones. ‘YOU C*** IN ME. I TOLD YOU YOU CAN GET PREGNANT EVEN FROM ANAL.’”

NO YOU CAN’T. Excuse me if I get a tad graphic.  If a guy does his thing in your butt it IS NOT going to get you pregnant! Because a sperm needs an egg, and unless you are a human chicken, YOU DON’T HAVE EGGS UP THERE. You have eggs in the OTHER AREA.YOU ARE DUMB.

Edward then gets angry at Hiei for what just happened but Hiei kindly reminds him that he has nowhere to talk. After all, he did kill his old girlfriend who he had originally had sex with.

I get the killing of his girlfriend, but how did Hiei know that they had sex? There is no mention of the demon-super baby at all, so how did you know?

Dally, now knowing this, starts crying because “I.. I wanted to be Edwerds first time..”

I did it with Hiei and didn’t show any feeling of liking towards Edward, because I wanted to be his first...JUST…no. Also, that’s kind of a jerk thing to say with your BOYFRIEND RIGHT THERE.

Edward, feeling bashful all of a sudden, texts Dally that “’I did not have sex with Bally,’ Edward said, ‘You can still be my fart’”

You are the Mexican food to my toilet, baby. You provide the most I could ever hope to have!

Draco then magically pulls a wheelchair out of nowhere and wheels Dally over to the hospital, and then postpones the action of killing Dumbledore. When they get to the school hospital, she gets a room where everyone leaves to do things except Edward. Edward then asks her “’Are you feeling… like being my first?’”

DUDE! There’s a place and time for everything! And this is NOT the PROPER TIME.

Dally tells him that she is with Hiei, so that won’t be possible. To this he responds as such, “’I thought you said you wanted to… you can’t blue balls me,’ he said flatly, ‘Seriously if you don’t put out youre a b**** just like Bella.’”

…Why would he say that? I-it makes no sense in this context! WHAT IS GOING ON?!

“Dally started to cry… why was he being so mean to her?”

That is an excellent question.

And so the chapter ends with Hiei returning and telling Dally that he had sex with Sasuke. She takes this news well, of course. “’WHAT?!’ The hole school could hear the scream…”

Once again: TIME AND PLACE!

The sixth chapter begins with Dally crying in the hospital, with Hiei running away from Dally’s hospital room because he was afraid that the “narks” would think that he had beaten her.

Why would they think that? When people cry in hospitals is that the natural first assumption? Also why would a police informer care?

Shadow runs to her side demanding to know what made her cry. “’Hi-hi-hi-hiei and I are th-th-thorough!’ she sobbed, ‘It t-t-t-urms out hes a f-f-f-fa**** just like D-d-d-dumbledooooreeee!!’”

This little whiny “We’re SO through!” is going to last a total of five seconds isn’t it?

“’Oh Dally I’m so sorry,’ he circumcised,”

…he…circumcised…Do you even know what that word means?

Shadow asks if she wants him or someone else to look after her to which she says no. Thus, “the boys” leave to Hagrid’s who is Dumbledore’s bfff which stands for “(buttf****** friends forever)”.

Way to keep it classy, author. Way to keep it classy.

However the trip there was not pleasant because Draco and Edward won’t get along. And so the two argue then…a bunch of confusing things are thrown at us. Apparently, they can’t defeat “that pillow biter” because, just like how Harry’s mom and dad killed Cedric, they need two people who love Dumbledore the most to “savor her… and mix together.”

What does that even mean? When you say “mix together” do you mean have sex? How will that kill Dumbledore? Is Dumbledore the person you are even talking about? It makes NO SENSE!

It turns out that what they needed was to chant some words in order to “mix”, and when they do Billy Martin from the band “Good Charlotte” appears with platinum blonde hair making PLATINUM BILLY!

Why the-…how di-…I got nothin’.

Shadow asks for a minute and when he gets permission, he runs off to be with Dally. Dally was in her hospital bed reading a magazine to, from what the story tells us, to get sex tips. Shadow greets her, to which Dally demands a song. “’okay,’ he said and then he warmed up his vochal cords: ‘youre my honey bunch sugar puff hubby ubby umpkins youre my sweetie pie youre my cuppy cake gumdrop shnoogum boogum you're the apple of my eye…’”

And as you can see, Shadow’s final ounce of dignity is burning as it crashes into the atmosphere where it is making fall in…yes…yes, I do believe it has landed in a landfill. What a way to go!

Dally then hugs Shadow, who starts getting hard after rubbing up against her breasts.

Once again: CLASSY!

And so the chapter ends with Shadow leaving the hospital room. The next chapter begins with Shadow returning and the group discusses what a gay man’s weakness is. They decide that it is what is called a “garyatric” pill. If they do not take these pills and they put water up his butt, then his internal organs will “leak out”.

How is it that this fanfiction seems more sadistic than all of the “Saw” movies COMBINED?

With this plan, they bust down Hargrid’s door which reveals Hagrid dead with “wands coming out of all the sausages of his body”.

I refer you to my previous statement.

Sasuke gasped and threw up because of his weak stomach and asks “WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THONG”.

Yes, this is wrong, but making a man’s intestines “leak out” from his own body is perfectly fine!

Then Mystique pops out from under a table to reveal that she was Dumbledore’s accomplice the whole time, she always hated Dally and that she and Dumbledore are going to “R*** DRACO” who just got captured. After being asked where they kept him in classic mustache-twirling villain form, she announces that he is in Askaban then throws a TORPEDO THAT DESTROYS THE BUILDING that kills Shadow in the process. The others escape, however they then tell Dally the news of Shadow’s death which ends the chapter.

Where do I even BEGIN? So many questions that remain unanswered just for the sake of a twist ending that is just…I…BAAAAAAH…And I’m just on chapter eight of twenty…

The next chapter begins with Shadow getting a proper burial. Actually, no it doesn’t you see they didn’t bury Shadow in a coffin because “it reminded Edward and Dally to much of bed and theyd get sleepy so they put him in a boat they took to Hogwarts and have him a Viking wedding.”

Do I even need to say how dumb that is? Do I?

They then proceed to set the boat on fire which sends him into the ocean.

But the water takes out fi-you know what, I am not going to question this. I am tired of asking questions. From now on, for every unanswered question I am going to put down the word: “Pain”. Why that specific word? Because that’s what I feel when I read this, that’s why.

Dally then gives a little speech in Shadow’s honor. A quote from this speech includes “I wouldn’t have trade him for anyone in te world, even for the rarest pokemon, or the biggest chaos emerald.”

Way to keep it a serious tone during a character’s death. Also, pain, pain, pain, pain & pain.

After the speech, the group decides they want revenge…again. And so they plan a way to attack. Hiei suggests that Dally transforms them into Death Eaters to sneak past the guards.

Brilliant plan, but you forgot one tiny little thing: DALLY IS PREGNANT.

Edward reminds Hiei of this OBVIOUS LITTLE FACT, and then they try to come up with better ideas. They argue and argue until Dally’s water breaks and the baby is born and for some reason already has hair that is black with red and white highlights. Dally names the boy Shadow and it is shown that Dumbledore and Mystique are watching them through an orb. The chapter then ends with Dumbledore reveals that Shadow (the kid) is the chosen one.

Not like that Harry Potter kid, this is the REAL DEAL! Also, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain & pain.

The next chapter begins with the baby already calling out “Mama! Mama!” while Dally just lives the life of a normal-ish mom in Hagrid’s old house that they fixed up.

This is turning into a weird sitcom now, isn’t it? Also, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain & pain.

However after a strange turn of events, Edward disappears and Hiei finds this note: “WE TOOK SHADOW WEI WILL NO TRETURN HIM UNDER ANY CIRCUSAUCES UNLTESS YOU KILL THAT F***** BABY "NO ONE”

Couple of things wrong with this little bit of writing. 1. WRONG NAME YOU IDIOTS. 2. Signing the note “NO ONE” is a…I don’t even know…pain…

Dally, after learning this decides to call her mom who put on her voice machine a long speech about how she created a devil spawn or something.

What if a telemarketer called? Wouldn’t he hear that same exact-oh wait! Forgot. Pain & pain.

After hearing this message, everyone disappears except for the baby. Presumably they were all captured by Dumbledore and Mystique…in the course of a couple of seconds…

Pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, PAIN, PAIN, PAIN & MOTHERF****** PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNN!

The chapter ends with the baby whispering in Dally’s ear that the place that the place that the boys are being kept is in Askaban, and after hearing this she goes to bed.

Pain & pain.

The next chapter begins with Dally awakening from a nightmare she had that had Shadow the hedgehog in it. Assuming that what just happened to the boys was a dream until the baby reminds her that that specific part wasn’t.

It’s sad when a baby is smarter than our main protagonist…if you can call her that.

After assuming that Mystique must have put a sleep powder on her phone and the baby creates a portal that will take her to Askaban out of thin air-

PAIN & PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNN!

-Dally decides to save the boys all on her own leaving the baby behind to fend for himself.

Great parenting!

When she arrives, she begins asking around the prison where Dumbledore and Mystique are until she arrives to Bellatrix who gives Dally a series “riddle[s]” to get all of her friends. The first “riddle” goes as follows: “Down the hall and to the right, You will see a strange sight, It’s a curtain it’s black and red, Behind it lies Ed”

THAT ISN’T A RIDDLE YOU DUMB BROAD!

After she follows the mysterious riddle’s path, she finds Edward tied up and asleep in a tank of water. After she frees him, Edward find the second riddle that somehow got into his pocket.

Pain.

The second “riddle” goes as follows: “Roses are red violets are blue, Hiei will die and Draco will too, All you really have to do, Is walk down and take the stairs to floor two”.

Doing a bit better, but still it sounds like more of a Dr. Seuss GPS than a riddle.

Dally then exclaims “’They’re going to kill Drake and my Husband!!’ Edward grred quatly to himself at the thought of Hiei and Dally f******…”

TIME AND PLACE…AGAIN.

And so the chapter ends with the line “THERE WAS NO TIME TO WASTE!!”

Actually reading this has felt like more of a waste of my time!                   

The next chapter begins with the duo attempting to get to the second floor, until they find a stairway to go up to floor two.

Even though the “riddle” said that he was supposed to go DOWN to floor two, because we are on (what I presume to be) floor 1 it would be downright SILLY go downstairs!

And they go up the stairs at “warp speed”.

PAIN.

The two find Hiei and Sasuke on the next floor in tubes. Dally tries to do the sensible thing and attempts to bang on the tubes to free them. When this does not work she looks under the carpet to find a key.

Because that’s where ALL keys are stored, right? Like car-keys and the keyblade.

After yelling about how she hates carpets, Edward attempts to calm her down. The two share a moment that consists of the two sharing a moment of staring into each-other’s eyes, blah blah blah…

JUST END ALL READY!

Edward attempts to take advantage of this by kissing Dally who tried to kiss him back as well, but after seeing Hiei he turns his head only getting a kiss on the cheek. Edward then slaps Dally “across the face like you woud a puppy when he pees on the flowers”.

…The author lives a very STRANGE lifestyle…

Edward then yells at Dally for doing Hiei then storms out.

Bipolar much?

Dally starts crying begging to get the power to free the boys-

Even though she’s a MUTANT and can just turn herself into chainsaw and just set them free…

-until the Faerie Queen reminded her that she could turn into a key to free them.

I’m glad to see that someone reminded her but, WHO IS THE FAERIE QUEEN AND HOW DOES SHE KNOW? Oh wait I forgot: PAIN and PAIN.

She freed all the boys and Hiei starts getting to over-the-clothes action…in front of the other boys.
TIME AND PLACE. AGAIN.

“’COME ON GUYS theres no need for intercourse now,’ said Link,”

Finally, a voice of reason!

The group then leaves to kill Dumbledore and Mystique. Meanwhile, Edward is confronted by the two but joins their cause by force because if he doesn’t “’We’ll kill you…’ said Dumbledore with a smirk”.

Ah yes, he is the BEST of people. He will join never fight forces of evil EVER!...Unless faced with death, in which case screw that!

 

Ok, that’s enough for now. I gotta finish this up…FAST…Next time, I conclude this pile of crap!

 

 

Author's Note

COMMENT! PLEASE!