Zombies'n'S**t Ep. 1

Episode 1....Bwahahahahahahahah!!!

The name is John Doe. I have multiple lacerations, but the real kicker, the thing that did me in, was the three bullet wounds to the chest. Now I know what you are thinking, how can a dead guy be talking to you, well, stay with me. It all started a while back; see, there was a zombie apocalypse. Lots of folks died, me among them, then came back. Thing is, the few people who did survive keep popping us in the head, which doesn't actually kill us, but we have to pretend, see. I don't need to tell you that getting shot in the head sucks. Unfortunately, there is some cosmic rule, some a*****e with a top hat, monocle and a mustache that he habitually twirls while laughing at others misfortune that says we can't act normally. Instead, we are forced to shamble around and moan about brains. And by the way, don't ask about how they force us to keep this up, you really don't want to know.

Anyhow, when the survivors aren't around, we can act normal-well, as normal as you can be when your flesh is rotting off. What a mess when you sneeze, I tell ya. I digress. Whenever the survivors are spotted, we need to get into “zombie formation”. This means we need to be in large crowds just shambling around aimlessly and pretend to have the awareness of a sea cucumber. Unfortunately, I usually run late to formation. They always catch me when I'm on the John. Heh. Get it? John. John Doe? Yeesh, tough crowd. Anyway.

So I show up late, for the second time this week! Lo and behold, the survivors are running from a crowd of my fellow piles of rotting flesh and straight towards me. If I wouldn't have been late I would probably have just been clobbered in the noggin. But no, not this time. One of these geniuses decides they'll create an obstruction for their groupies to get caught on. So what does he do? Has one of their buddies spring a trap they set up last week and drop a freaking piano on my head. I mean, really, how did they even get the damn thing suspended up there?! It boggles the mind.

Well, I'm pinned underneath a piano and pissed. I hate being dead.

Once they left, a few of my comrades gathered around me, several chuckling at my predicament. I propped myself up on with my arms on either side of me. I looked up at them and irritably snapped, “Gimme a hand, wouldja!” My buddy Carl shrugged, rolled up his sleeve and snapped his hand off at the wrist and threw it next to my hand.

Jackass.

I flipped him the bird.

“I couldn't help it. You set yourself up for that one,” the others exploded with laughter, “I think they are laughing at your expense, kimosabe.” Carl whispered. “Kiss my a*s” I grumped. He stood straight, put his hand on his chin in a philosophical manner and nodded to himself, “Well, you are the butt of the joke here.” The other roared with renewed laughter. Well, they sort of wheezed louder, as most of us couldn't use our lungs properly. Either way, it didn't make my ego feel too good.

“Here's what is going to happen,” I gritted. I hooked my thumb at Carl “You all are going to help me get out from under this thing, then you all can have a good laugh when I literally break my foot off in his a*s.” The others did a collective oooooh and looked at Carl for his come-back. He walked over to me and put his remaining hand on my shoulder, “I'm terribly sorry sir, but we had to amputate your legs. Just think, now you can pursue you dream of being a concert pianist.”

“And to celebrate, why don't I open up a six-pack of whoopass?” I quipped.

“Now, now, drinking won't bring your legs back.”

“I was thinking more along the lines of replacing them with yours.”

“Gotta catch me first.”

“Won't take long, you couldn't run a bath.”

“Still can run, though.”

“You couldn't run from your own stink if we shoved rockets up your a*s.”

“What an anal fetish with you.”

“Hey, better than being surrounded by dicks. Oh, wait...”

“Woah cowboy, I don't wanna hear about your Friday night.”

Author's Note

Boredom strikes in Creative Writing class.

Reviews

[C. Rose]

You had me hooked by "the thing that did me in".
I liked the line "fellow piles of rotting flesh"
I like the narrator's internal monologue.
Watch out for "floating heads". That's when there is dialogue without descriptions grounding it into the setting so the reader only sees floating heads.

[Lady of the Ring]

Oh jeez......you had me laughing hysterically while reading this one. Written well, flows nicely, and has a creative way of making the situation seem ridiculous. Nice one.

[unspokenguilt]

LMAO, I found this story very creative and I quite enjoyed it! The idea of zombies putting on a show for the normies is pretty genius...kudos to you!

[wagonburner]

Ooooh! That's good! Can I steal that? Normies.

[unspokenguilt]

Go ahead :) whatever gets the creative juices flowing

[wagonburner]

If'n ye are interested, ye should read episode 2, YAR!