Wiindigo - Work in Progress

A Stage Play by vukcic

WIP

An old, rustic cabin, with cabin stuff as décor. Waning daylight is seen through windows. A man, EDWARD, and a woman, MAGGIE, are seen. EDWARD reads a newspaper while MAGGIE prepares food. EDWARD reads the newspaper for several minutes, then snorts and laughs.

MAGGIE

What?

EDWARD

Nothing.

EDWARD continues reading while MAGGIE continues cooking.

MAGGIE

How do you like your eggs?

EDWARD

I don’t.

MAGGIE

You don’t like eggs?

EDWARD

No. I hate them. Look at them.

MAGGIE looks at an egg.

MAGGIE

What about them?

EDWARD

No, really, just study it.

MAGGIE studies the egg.

MAGGIE

What? It’s just an egg.

EDWARD

There’s a chicken fetus inside. A little baby chicken jelly that would have been a big healthy chicken. I

can’t eat something that is so clearly a fetus.

MAGGIE

You think about this stuff?

EDWARD

You don’t?

MAGGIE

Not really…I mean, it’s just an egg. It’s food. So what if it’s a chicken fetus? I don’t really like birds that

much anyway. When I was 10 a peacock bit a chunk out of my finger.

EDWARD

That’s ridiculous. Peafowl are herbivorous.

MAGGIE

This one had the bloodlust.

EDWARD

Maybe he was seeking retribution for all the avian fetuses you’ve devoured.

MAGGIE

Maybe they don’t treat animals very well at the petting zoo at White Plains, Saskatchewan.

EDWARD goes back to reading. MAGGIE continues cooking. Moments pass.

EDWARD

Wait.

MAGGIE

What?

EDWARD

You’re Canadian?

MAGGIE

Yeah, why?

EDWARD

I…You didn’t say you were Canadian.

MAGGIE

Is that a problem? I’m proud of my Canadianism.

EDWARD

I just didn’t know. I figured you were American.

MAGGIE

What’s the difference? So I’m from north of the border. There are a lot of Canadians in the States you

might not realize.

EDWARD

The way you talk one would begin to suspect some sort of Canadian conspiracy.

MAGGIE

Yeah, I go to monthly meetings.

EDWARD

Are they held at Tim Horton’s?

MAGGIE

Yes. Mainly we just gossip about hockey and maple syrup.

EDWARD

Anyone I know a member?

MAGGIE

You’d be surprised. I usually carpool with Celine Dion and Alex Trebek.

EDWARD

Don’t you mean moose-pool?

MAGGIE

Of course, silly me. We trek through the harsh Canadian wilderness on mooseback.

EDWARD

Seriously, though. I don’t mean to upset you but I didn’t tell my mother you were Canadian. So if you

would, when she arrives, neglect to mention it, I’d appreciate it.

MAGGIE

It would be a problem?

EDWARD

My mother is very patriotic.

MAGGIE

It’s not like I’m North Korean or something. Canada is just like a less ugly America.

EDWARD

Don’t even pretend you don’t have WalMarts in Canada. Just keep quiet about it, though. Don’t

mention the metric system, or loonies and toonies, or Medicine Hat, Ontario.

MAGGIE

Medicine Hat is in Alberta, not Ontario. Do you know anything about Canada that you didn’t learn

from American television?

EDWARD

Is there anything else?

MAGGIE

Not really.

EDWARD

When my mother arrives, if she asks, tell her you’re from Minnesota. That’s the closest thing to

Canada I can think of without actually having to be there.

MAGGIE

I don’t understand why this is such a big-

The smoke alarm begins to sound. She’s burning toast.

-D****t, d****t d****t. D****t!

EDWARD

Woah there. I don’t think that language is appropriate on the CBC.

MAGGIE

Oh, I burned the damn toast.

EDWARD

How did you do that?

MAGGIE

I don’t know.

EDWARD

The toaster is designed specifically to prevent user error.

MAGGIE

I don’t know okay? It must have been jammed or something.

EDWARD

That’s what you do after you make the toast.

MAGGIE

Huh?

EDWARD

Nevermind.

MAGGIE

Can you help me here? I can’t get the toast out.

EDWARD gets up and enters the kitchen area. He puts on his glasses and inspects the toaster.

EDWARD

There’s a penny in there.

MAGGIE

I have no idea how that got in there.

EDWARD

We’ve been here in my mother’s cabin for one night. How did you manage to lose a penny in the

toaster?

MAGGIE

Oh I remember.

EDWARD

What did you do?

MAGGIE

Well, I was tossing pennies at that cup there. I must have missed.

EDWARD

Are you twelve years old?

MAGGIE

No.

EDWARD

Well, you broke my mother’s auxiliary toaster. She’ll be irked.

MAGGIE

Irked?

EDWARD

Yes, irked. They have that word in Canada don’t they?

MAGGIE

Listen, if I knew this Canada thing would have been such a big deal I would have mentioned it, okay?

But the drive up here was going so well I didn’t want to ruin it.

EDWARD

It wasn’t going that well. You talk in your sleep.

MAGGIE

Well, it’s a long drive to Trapper Creek from Anchorage.

EDWARD

It wasn’t even three hours.

MAGGIE

What did I say while I was sleeping then?

EDWARD

Nothing really that interesting.

MAGGIE

Well, it ruined your drive you said. So it has to be somewhat jarring.

EDWARD

I remember very clearly you said, “This ain’t a ancient ritual, this is backgammon,” then you said “You

eat half, I eat half. We cut down the middle like gingerbread man.”

MAGGIE

Hmm.

EDWARD

That’s it? Just hmm?

MAGGIE

What do you want me to say? That I was dreaming of devouring you while playing board games?

EDWARD

What are you, 90 years old? Who plays backgammon?

MAGGIE

I don’t know. I’ve never played it. I don’t know why I was dreaming of it. Maybe it’s a sign that I’m

really bored in this stuffy cabin and we should do something.

EDWARD

Like what? There’s nothing to do. We’re going to wait for mother to arrive, you’re going to pretend

you’re my lovely girlfriend, we’re going to eat a tasty meal that does not require the use of the toaster,

then we’ll sleep, she’ll leave, then I will pay you, and we’ll never see each other again.

MAGGIE

That all sounds so business-y. Can’t we be friends?

EDWARD

Why? We have nothing in common.

MAGGIE

Sure we do. We’re both, I don’t know, people. We both have opinions on the best way to prepare an

egg. I prefer over hard, you prefer liberated from dietary constraints. We both hate backgammon?

EDWARD

I don’t hate it. I used to love it. My mother and I often played it here, at this cabin, when I was

younger.

MAGGIE

So you and your mom came up here alone?

EDWARD

No, of course not. My brother and my father we’re here too.

MAGGIE

Where are they now?

EDWARD

Dead.

MAGGIE

Oh, sorry.

EDWARD

Did you murder them?

MAGGIE

No. I don’t think so. No.

EDWARD

Then you don’t have to be sorry. Besides, that was a long time ago.

MAGGIE

So did you grow up around here?

EDWARD

Anchorage. After high school I went to college in Seattle and now I only visit. And even that seems too

much sometimes. I hate it here.

MAGGIE

You know, sometimes when I have to do something I hate, I just pretend it’s something awesome

instead, and it gets easier.

EDWARD

Thanks, I’ll try that.

MAGGIE

You’re welcome.

EDWARD

Also, when my mother gets here, try not to say stupid things like that.

MAGGIE

Don’t be rude.

EDWARD

She’s very judgmental, and she does not under any circumstances suffer fools.

MAGGIE

I’m not a fool.

EDWARD

I believe you, but you do have a tendency to sound like one.

MAGGIE

I’ll just remain silent and attentive like a good house woman.

EDWARD

Woman’s lib sarcasm aside…do that.

The doorbell rings.

EDWARD

That’s her now. Behave, smile, be pretty. This is important and if you blow it I’m not going to pay you.

MAGGIE

You have my solemn oath that your mother will love the crap out of me.

EDWARD sighs and opens the door. JACK CRAVEN enters, carrying a fire ax, dragging the body of ANDREI. He slams the door behind him and stares at EDWARD.

JACK

Hi.

EDWARD

What is this?! What’s going on?! Who are you?! Maggie, call some-

JACK

-One question at a time, if you would. I confuse easily.

EDWARD

Get out!

JACK

I can’t. This is important.

EDWARD

I can’t have you here! Who are you? Who is that? Are you a psycho killer?

JACK

Come on, friend, one question at a time. I can’t keep up.

EDWARD

Who are you?

JACK

See? That isn’t so hard. We humans get so worked up over simple details. We just need to step back,

take a breath, and just calm down a little, am I right?

EDWARD

Who are-

JACK

Am I right?

EDWARD

Sure. You’re right.

JACK

What about you over there, missy? You think so too, right?

MAGGIE

You’re right.

JACK

Good. Now we’re calm, we’re settled. We’re ready for introductions. Johnathan Craven is my name,

but I prefer Jack. So call me Jack.

JACK extends his hand to EDWARD. EDWARD does not shake.

EDWARD

I’m Edward Haddon.

JACK

Nice to meet you, Edward Haddon. And who might you be, sweetheart?

MAGGIE

M-M-Maggie.

JACK

(Mocking stutter) M-M-Maggie? That a family name?

EDWARD

What are you doing here?

JACK

I'll explain in a minute, but right now this here's my number one priority.

EDWARD

But you can’t be here!

JACK

Oh? Ain’t you gonna show me any hospitality? You’d turn out a weary traveler into this cold, cold

Alaskan evening? Do I look like I’m prepared to sleep in a f*****g cave?

EDWARD

Who is that man?

JACK

Oh, him? He’s no man. He’s evil.

MAGGIE

Evil?

JACK

Evil to the bones, missy. Evil right to the marrow. He ain’t no man, as Edward Haddon and Jack Craven

are men. No ma’am.

EDWARD

He looks like a man to me.

JACK

Sure, he looks like a man all right. That’s how they get you. They wrap themselves up in man-shaped

suits and play your better angels, but they ain’t gonna fool me any more.

EDWARD

If he isn’t a man, then what is he?

EDWARD turns to MAGGIE and mimes a phone call.

JACK

That ain’t gonna do you no good.

EDWARD

What?

JACK

Gettin’ your ladyfriend to call the police. The line’s been cut.

EDWARD

You cut the line?

JACK

Not me. Him. (He prods the body with his ax) He did it. He was gonna get you folks tonight. I saved

you.

EDWARD

You saved us? What is it? What is he? Tell us.

JACK

You hear stories, sometimes. Whispers, really. In the corners of bars, in back alleys at night. Never out in the open, talking with the civility and politeness that we humans here talk with right now. These

stories are the stuff that will nail your lids to your forehead so you never sleep again. There’s evil in

the snowfall, Edward and M-m-Maggie. Evil that’ll come out and get you, and your families’ll never

see you again. That’s what he is.

EDWARD

Can’t you just use a name or something?

JACK

Wiindigo.

EDWARD

Wiindi-what now?

JACK

Wiindigo.

MAGGIE

What’s a wiindigo?

JACK

A spirit, comes to you in the snow, looks like a man but it ain’t. They feast on us humans, chew on our

bones.

MAGGIE

And that’s a wiindigo?

JACK

You bet your sweet a*s it is.

EDWARD

How can you be sure? It looks like a normal person.

JACK

I’ve been tracking this one for weeks. It only comes out to feed during snowstorms, and I’ve been

waiting.

MAGGIE

I made toast.

JACK

Well, by what I can smell I’ll stick with bread, but I appreciate your kindness, sweetheart.

EDWARD

So what do we do now? I can have this body in the middle of the floor when mother arrives.

JACK

Who?

EDWARD

My mother is due to arrive any moment. I need to make sure everything goes well, and corpses are

not something that will aid in that.

JACK

There’s only one way to be sure the spirit of the wiindigo is truly dead.

EDWARD

What is it?

JACK

You ain’t gonna like it.

EDWARD

What?

JACK

No, really. You ain’t gonna like it at all.

MAGGIE

What is it? Tell us.

JACK

You gotta eat it.

EDWARD

You’re insane.

JACK

You know, I hear that so often I might start believin’ it.

MAGGIE

I will not eat that body. I just made lunch.

EDWARD

I can’t take this anymore. You have to leave this instant.

JACK

I ain’t leavin’.

EDWARD

You must.

EDWARD tries to push JACK toward the door. JACK buttends EDWARD in the face with the ax handle.

EDWARD stumbles back and falls into the chair. MAGGIE gasps and grabs a cleaver.

JACK

See? Your lady has the right idea. Bring that cleaver over here sweetie, he’s got some nice haunches

that will do mighty tasty with the right hollandaise.

EDWARD holds his nose.

EDWARD

You’re a madman.

JACK

Listen, Edward Haddon. I’m doin’ this for your own good. This wiindigo was stalkin’ you, I was watchin’

it. It was gonna eat you and M-m-Maggie over there and laugh while it picked little bits of you out of

its teeth with the nail of his little finger. If we don’t eat him, he’ll get a new man-suit and come back to

finish what he started. Is that something you want? You wanna get ate?

EDWARD

No.

JACK

Right. Who does? ‘Sides tapeworms I guess, but that ain’t what we’re talkin’ about.

MAGGIE

Do I have to?

JACK

Yes ma’am you do. Everyone who lays eyes on a wiindigo has to eat the wiindigo or it can come back.

We don’t want that do we?

MAGGIE

No.

JACK

Good girl. So. We got some work cut out for us.

JACK laughs hysterically. Lights fade.

SCENE 2

Same set. Dark. EDWARD stands by the door.

EDWARD

Where are you mother? It’s been hours. You should have been here.

MAGGIE enters from the kitchen, wearing oven mitts.

MAGGIE

She’s probably decided to stay in Anchorage for the night. The snow’s getting worse. Stop worrying.

You’ll ruin your appetite.

EDWARD

She would have called.

MAGGIE

She can’t call, remember? The phones are dead.

EDWARD

I hate not knowing.

MAGGIE

It’ll be okay. She’ll get here as soon as the snow clears up.

EDWARD

You don't know that. You don't know what this snow can do to travelers.

MAGGIE

Just because we don't really know each other-

EDWARD

-You're right. We don't know each other. I'm not paying you for your condescension. So just keep it to yourself.

MAGGIE, miffed, returns to the kitchen. She begins to prepare a very large soup pot, adding water and vegetables. EDWARD paces between the window and the door.

MAGGIE

What do you need me for anyway?

EDWARD

I meet you in Seattle, you agree to travel over 2500 miles with me on a whim and the promise of money, you go along with these ridiculous circumstances, and you just now think to ask me that? Now? After everything?

MAGGIE

I figured you were gay.

EDWARD

How dare you make assumptions about me.

MAGGIE

I'm just making conversation. If you being gay is still a touchy subject or whatever, I'll stop.

EDWARD

I'm not gay.

MAGGIE

Then what is it? What do you need me for? You can't get a girlfriend the normal way?

EDWARD

It's complicated.

MAGGIE

Are you a weirdo or something? (She continues adding ingredients into the soup) Like, do you collect your toenail clippings to make a mosaic of Walter Cronkite or something?

EDWARD

Of course not.

MAGGIE

Good, because an ex of mine did that, and those jars get heavy.

EDWARD

My mother is very judgmental.

MAGGIE

So I heard.

EDWARD

I...just...it'd mean a lot.

MAGGIE

Okay.

Silence. Moments pass. MAGGIE puts the pot on the stove to simmer. JACK enters, smiling and whistling, wearing a butcher's apron. No blood yet.

JACK

So Edward Haddon and M-M-Maggie, are you ready to butcher a human body?

EDWARD

I thought it was a wiindigo?

JACK

Right, a wiindigo. It'll look like a human body though. But really, it's a wiindigo.

MAGGIE

What parts would go best in soup?

JACK

Fingers and toes, sweetheart. Fingers and toes.

EDWARD

I can't do this.

JACK

You can and you will. Or the wiindigo's spirit will live on. And it will-

EDWARD

-Blah blah blah, live on, come back, eat our faces off. I got it. I just don't think I can physically consume human flesh. It's such an abomination.

JACK

Pretend you're starving.

EDWARD

You can't pretend you're starving. That's like pretending you can fly or pretending you're not a librarian with a fish collection. Some things either are, or are not.

JACK

What if your life depended on it?

EDWARD

I don't know. I suppose if there were absolutely no other options beside eating another person and guaranteed death, I would do it.

JACK

Good man!

JACK pulls a gun from his coat and points it at EDWARD.

JACK

I'm sorry if this seems cliché Edward Haddon, but your life kinda does depend on it. Since you and the missus over here were the wiindigo's intended victims, it's gotta be you that devours his flesh. Every last pore and sinew. Now, I can't have some crazy snow spirit out huntin' my family, so this has to end. Here.

MAGGIE

Edward, it won't be so bad.

EDWARD

Are you insane? Of course it will be bad.

MAGGIE

Ignore that whole toast thing. I'm not a bad cook. I can make it tolerable, I think. Jack never said anything about cooking it. We can cook it, right?

JACK

What are we, barbarians? Of course we can cook it.

MAGGIE

See? We'll have some a*s steak and finger and toe soup and before you know it, we'll have eaten an entire adult wiindigo hiding in a man-suit.

EDWARD

This is awful.

JACK

Awful ain't even scratchin' the surface. Ready for some butcherin'?

JACK leaves to get the body.

EDWARD

How can you be so accepting of this? Aren't you at all suspicious?

MAGGIE

Suspicious of what?

EDWARD

Jack. All we have is his word to go on.

MAGGIE

I've heard stories of the wiindigo before.

EDWARD

I don't believe in spirits. It's all nonsense.

MAGGIE

You've never heard of people wandering into the snow, never to be seen again?

EDWARD

Of course I have. You have no idea. But this, the wiindigo, it's just too outrageous to accept. We have to do something. I think Jack is a murderer, and he's using us to cover it up.

MAGGIE

That would be pretty smart. Convince a couple on a romantic getaway that a big scary monster's out to eat them. I can think of worse ways to dispose of a body.

EDWARD

He'll kill us if we don't though. What are we going to do?

MAGGIE

What can we do? There's something about him that tells me he believes to the word what he's saying.

EDWARD

Any insane person would believe their delusions.

MAGGIE

I say we play along for a bit longer. See what happens.

EDWARD

Then what? Do we start chopping into that body without a care, get ourselves nice and guilty, then stop and call shenanigans?

MAGGIE

I don't think there's any other way, unless you want a bullet in your face.

EDWARD

I don't want a bullet in my face. You have me there.

MAGGIE

Just stay calm. The snow will stop soon and maybe we can make a run for it.

EDWARD

Maybe.

JACK enters.

JACK

Maybe what?

EDWARD

Maybe the moon's actually made of custard.

JACK

What? That's stupid. Cheese, obviously. Everyone knows that.

MAGGIE

So now what, Jack?

JACK

Yeah, about that. So funny story, it turns out the wiindigo isn't dead.

EDWARD

What?!

JACK

I went to the bathroom to get him, and...well...he's gone.

MAGGIE

Gone where? There's ten feet of snow out there.

JACK

He's a wiindigo. Snow is his element. This is not good.

EDWARD

Now what do we do, Jack?

JACK

I dunno. Lemme think for a minute.

EDWARD

There's either a murderous insatiable beast on the loose or (to MAGGIE) a gravely wounded victim struggling to get help.

MAGGIE

We have to look for him, I mean it, or he...the wiindigo. That.

JACK

He left a trail of blood.

EDWARD

We'll follow it!

JACK

Really? You don't think I thought of that?

EDWARD

Did you follow it?

JACK

Follow what?

EDWARD

The blood!

JACK

No.

MAGGIE

What not?

JACK

I came in here to tell you guys it's missing, obviously. Get your heads in the game.

EDWARD

Well let's go! We have to find him!

All three leave in different directions. The stage is empty. Lights fade.

SCENE III

The same cabin. After dark. Empty. After a few seconds of the empty silence keys can be heard jingling at a lock. Soon, the front door opens and an older woman, STELLA HADDON, enters carrying at least three items of luggage. She's struggling more than one would need to in this situation.

STELLA

Edward!

She struggles some more.

Edward, where are you?! Come in here and help me! My gout is flaring!

A man, ANDREI, gravely wounded, stumbles into the living room from within the cabin. He and STELLA lock eyes and stare at each other for several seconds. STELLA drops her luggage. ANDREI screams in terror. JACK, EDWARD, and MAGGIE enter, carrying the fire ax, a tennis racket, and a meat cleaver. ANDREI turns to face them, and passes out.

JACK

Oh, thank goodness. We found him.

EDWARD

Mother!

STELLA

Edward! What is going on?!

MAGGIE

Everyone stop yelling!

JACK

Sweetheart, put that soup on, we're feeding four now.

EDWARD

How did you get here? The snow...

STELLA

I've lived in Alaska my whole life. Some powdered sky sugar isn't going to stop me from seeing my boy's new woman.

JACK

Who wants to help me get our friend back into the bathtub?

JACK begins to slowly drag ANDREI away. Everyone just watches.

STELLA

Edward you tell me right now what the hell is going on here? I just reupholstered these cushions.

EDWARD

Apparently a wiindigo was going to eat Maggie and myself, but this man Jack arrived and saved us, and now we have to eat it to prevent it from being about to resurrect itself and come for us again.

STELLA

Is that it?

EDWARD

That's a pretty good synopsis of the events up to now, yes.

STELLA

You're very lucky, Edward, that this man was here to stop the wiindigo.

EDWARD

What?

STELLA

Go help that poor man before he throws out his back!

EDWARD, in a confused daze, assists JACK drag ANDREI away. STELLA begins to take off her outerwear, then notices MAGGIE.

STELLA