Full Length In Progress

Full Length In Progress

2 men, late 20s, browse the greeting card aisle of a store. REZ wears a black suit with a black tie, HAWK wears a suit also, but with a bright orange tie.

HAWK

So what happened? He was electrocuted right?

REZ

Yeah. Well, heart attack first. In his panic he knocked a lamp into the bathtub.

HAWK

What kind of grown man takes a bath?

REZ

The kind that wants to do everything lying down.

HAWK

What was he doing with a lamp so close to the tub?

REZ

He was reading a magazine.

HAWK

What kind of magazine?

REZ

I'll give you three guesses.

HAWK

A magazine about festive hats?

REZ

No.

HAWK

A magazine of farm animals in festive hats?

REZ

No.

HAWK

Does it have to do with festive hats?

REZ

NO.

HAWK

So what kind of card should I get? They don't have any specific enough to mention electrocution deaths. (Grabs a card) How about this one? “I'm sorry your loved one was put to sleep.”

REZ

That's for pets.

HAWK

Oh. Is that why there's a cat?

REZ

I would imagine so, yes.

HAWK

How about this one? (Grabs a card.) “Happy college graduation great grandson.”

REZ

No, that's not the right card. I don't even understand why that's a card at all.

HAWK

Time travelers.

REZ

Just grab any condolence card. It doesn't matter. He's dead.

HAWK

It's not for him, it's for his loved ones.

REZ

I'm not sure there are too many of those around.

HAWK

Oh, don't be like that. I'm sure deep down inside someone cares that he boiled himself like a lobster.

REZ

I doubt it.

HAWK

Okay, what about this one? (Grabs a card.)

REZ

It's blank.

HAWK

Oh, no, this is just an envelope.

REZ

Good enough. Just write “sorry?” on it and we'll call it square.

HAWK

I should put more thought into it than that.

REZ

Not really.

HAWK

Maybe I should get flowers? Does Mag like flowers?

REZ

She's a woman. All women like flowers.

HAWK

That can't really be true. You can't say all of anything likes anything.

REZ

I don't think about it that much.

HAWK

Did you know that the youngest pope ever was 11 years old?

REZ

When I was 11 I remember there was this girl at school. I don't think I liked girls yet, at least, you know, I don't think I liked them with my penis yet. But...I can't remember her name-

HAWK

-Call her Matilda.

REZ

Matilda always wanted to sit with me at lunch time. I didn't really have any friends back then-

HAWK

-or ever, really.

REZ

Or ever. So when she kept sitting by me like that it made me happy. I would come home and tell my dad about it and he'd say “Lock that s**t down son, women are evil, but at least that one seems less evil than most if she can put up with you.” And I, you know, I was 11, so at the same time I believed every syllable and had no idea what the hell he was talking about. So one day I went to school and it was lunch time, and Matilda sat next to me like usual-

HAWK

-Let me guess.

(PAUSE)

REZ

Are you going to guess? Or just stare at me?

HAWK

Oh, I was waiting for you to tell me to guess.

REZ

Guess!

HAWK

You threw up all over her.

REZ

I-(pause) Wow, that was a good guess.

HAWK

You've told me this story before.

REZ

I have?

HAWK

Yeah. And her name really was Matilda. At least that's what you told me before.

REZ

Oh.

(PAUSE)

Did you find a card yet?

HAWK

I think so. I'm still going to get some flowers for your mom.

REZ

She'd like that I think. She always expected he'd die in a horrible way, but I don't think she was prepared for it to be so embarrassing.

HAWK

What should I wear at the wake?

REZ

Clothing, please.

HAWK

Are you catholic?

REZ

Why?

HAWK

I hate catholic funerals. They're always such a thing.

REZ

I'm not, but my dad was. So yeah, it'll be a thing.

HAWK

Oh, I hate things.

REZ

It'll only happen once.

HAWK

How's Mag handling this, anyway?

REZ

Terrible. She calls me every day now.

HAWK

Well, it's only been one day since he died.

REZ

It seems like longer.

HAWK

What does she talk about?

REZ

She asked me if I remembered to brush my teeth and if I impregnated Kel yet.

HAWK

And?

REZ

I brush my teeth every time I take a shower.

HAWK

What about Kel?

REZ

What about her?

HAWK

Have you fertilized her eggs?

REZ

How many times have I told you, word choice?

HAWK

One less time than necessary.

REZ

Go get the flowers so we can leave. All these cards make me nervous. It's like they're trying to remind me that I don't care about anything.

HAWK

Happy college graduation grand son.

REZ

Thanks.

(HAWK grabs a card from the rack and they leave.)

END of ACT 1, SCENE 1

A man, FRANK, mid 40s, drinks a glass of liquid in an empty bar at mid day. He converses with the bartender, BEN, mid 60s, bald.

FRANK

So I’s laying in bed, right? Just laying, trying to sleep. Got a thing tomorrow I gotta do, there’s always something I gotta do. Damn wife ain’t gonna make no money. So I’m here at some crap motel in Poughkeepsie doin’ a overnight job downtown. Got this contract for sewer pipes that’s drivin’ me crazy. They got these zonin’ laws down here that just man. Make me wanna kill somebody. But yeah, layin’ in bed. Got done watchin’ this special of Yaz. Been watchin’ the Sox since I was 5. My daddy took me to this game where Yaz hit his 44^th home run that year, what was that? ’66? ’67? I dunno. Somethin’ like that.

BEN

'67. It was magical.

FRANK

Anyway, some guy starts bangin’ on my window like he owns the place, right, and I’m saying, “Who is this guy?” It’s like 2 am at this point. I can never sleep at these places, can’t concentrate, you know? Got too many distractions. Seriously, this joker starts just bangin’ on the window like he’s tryin’ ta bust it in. I get outta bed. I’m still wearin’ my clothes cuz I forgot to pack pajamas. Damn wife’s supposed to handle that. Soon’s I stand up and flick on the light this guy stops beatin’ on the window. I walk over to it and look out there, and there ain’t anybody there, seriously. I unlock the door and open it. Shoulda brought my Ted Williams bat, might havta crack some skulls out here, if ya know what I mean.

BEN

I know what ya mean, Frank. I'd a cracked a few heads if that was me.

FRANK

I look around, it’s dark and no one’s there. Where’d this putz get off to? So I’s pretty ticked off, ya know? I have a hard enough time at some dive away from my bed at home. So’s I lay down again, flip on the tv again. I’m pretty much thinkin’ at this point I’m gonna be up all night. And wuddya know, here’s this commercial for some girly thing called, get this, Yaz. Yeah, no lyin’! I guess it’s some thing or pill or somethin’ for girls. I dunno I didn’t pay attention cuz right then that joker’s back beatin’ on my window again. Seriously. So’s I get up again and run to the door an’ open it fast gettin’ ready to bust some heads. Nothin’ there.

BEN

Nothing there? Come on, Frankie, you're yanking me.

FRANK

Nah! So’s I’m thinkin’ you know, what’s goin’ on here? Some sorta ghost or somethin’?

BEN

A ghost? Come on Frankie, you know that ain't possible. We ain't got no souls to speak of.

FRANK

You ain't got a soul, brother. You ain't. But I got one, I know that.

BEN

Sorry, Frank. I forgot you're into that catholic chimney speak.

FRANK

It ain't chimney speak, Benny. It might do you good to flip through the book a little while you're doing a duece.

BEN

You know I ain't gonna read that. Plus, I don't waste time on the pot when I could be filling myself back up with food.

FRANK

Can I go on with the story now? Or you gonna keep puttin' in your two pennies?

BEN

Don't mind me, Frankie. Keep goin'.

FRANK

(Inhaling) So’s I hide behind the window curtain and wait for this guy to pop back up and start bangin’ away again. Nothin’ happens, I start noddin’ off. Start dreamin’ of a high stack a’ flapjacks. With blueberries. And butta. Lots a’ butta.

BEN

Hear that!

FRANK

Next thing I know, BANG! Joker at the window again, guess I fell asleep a lil. Scared me to high hell.

BEN

I bet you near pissed your overalls.

FRANK

I run outside again and there’s this ‘lil bird laying there on the sidewalk, flappin’ around like it’s stupid or somethin’. This the guy makin’ all that noise out here? Looks like he knocked himself loopy bangin’ into my window. After a little bit of flappin’ in a circle on the pavement it settles down, tired out. It starts squawkin’ all scared soundin’. I start feelin’ bad. I had this golden retriever when I was a kid back in Beantown. Named it Yaz, after you-know-who. He got his from a car one day when I was 6 or somethin’. Couldn’t handle it, my daddy had to put it in his car and drive off. I asked him where’s he goin’ and he just tells me it’s gonna be okay. He comes back without Yaz about an hour later and he tells me he’s at the dog hospital. ’Cept days go by and Yaz never comes back, then my daddy shows up one day after work with a puppy. I figured it out after awhile. I might be from Boston but I ain’t an idiot.

BEN

No, you sure ain't. You're a lot of things, Frankie, but an idiot ain't one of 'em.

FRANK

So’s I’m lookin’ at this lil birdie, a lil brown and grey guy, pretty dull. I scoop him up and look at him. I can’t tell if he just knocked himself stupid or if he broke somethin’. I got nothin’ in the room to help him out so’s I get in my car and put him in the passenger seat. I thought about bucklin’ him in, which made me laugh. Ha, my lil birdie navigatuh, navigatin’ me straight into a window.

BEN

(laughing) They should make tiny little seat belts for your bird, Frank. Yeah?

FRANK

I drive to this 24 hour drug store place down the street and ask the guy what to do. He don’t know, of course. He don’t even wanna touch him. Says he’s got all these diseases.

BEN

They do. Birds got that one flu, right? What do you call it?

FRANK

Bird flu?

BEN

Nah, that ain't it. Nevermind. Go on.

FRANK

So I tell 'im, whateva, gimme some gauze or somethin’. I buy this cheap pair a sandals for the box and make this lil nest in there and set him in all gently. I think he’s startin’ to come to and it gets pretty easy to see he’s favorin’ his right wing. So I go back in an’ by a popsicle, for the stick, and I’m tryin’ to get the stick out but it’s a lot harder when you ain’t eatin’ it. I make a lil splint like I learned in boy scouts and put him back in the box. I tell him he better try relaxin’ if he wants to eat worms or whateva he does again.

BEN

What kind of bird was it?

FRANK

I dunno, a little song bird. It's not important.

BEN

Yeah it is, Frank. What if it was like, an eagle or something?

FRANK

It wasn't a damn eagle, it was a tiny little song bird.

BEN

An eagle is strong enough to fly while carryin' a young deer.

FRANK

That's interesting, Ben. Can I finish the story now?

BEN

Yeah.

FRANK

So then I drive back to the motel and get this (pause) it’s on fire. (BEN gasps.) Yeah, I know, right? Just burnin’ away. Fire trucks and everythin’ just goin’ to town. I’m sittin’ in my car just watchin’. After a few minutes I get out and tell the birdie just sit there a minute. I grab a fireman and ask him what the hell. He tells me there’s some explosion in room 3, he thinks it was a gas leak or somethin’. I get chills cuz 3 was my room. Lil birdie saved my life by bein’ a bad flyer. I go back to my car to tell him thanks and tell him I was gonna go find some seeds for him to eat to pay him back but he’s gone, flew out my window. I’m just starin’ at the box filled with gauze and a popsicle stick and the fireman tells me to move my car cuz they're bringin’ in another truck. I just get in and drive straight home. The sewers can fix themselves. I got this feelin’ I need to give my wife a hug and ask her how she’s doin’.

BEN

That's some story Frank.

FRANK

I know. It's gotta mean somethin', right? Like I was saved from that fire for a reason?

BEN

What sort of reason?

FRANK

I dunno, Ben. I dunno.

BEN

So how is the ol' ball and chain these days? Still crackin' the whip?

FRANK

Mag? Rusty as ever. She's still fumin' at me from the other day.

BEN

What'd ya do?

FRANK

I came home soppin' drunk and passed out in the lawn.

BEN

It was nice out last night. First good night of Spring.

FRANK

I know! It was really nice. But I bought her flowers, after, to say sorry, ya know? Well, my dumb brain can never remember she hates flowers. She always says to me, “Frank! You know I hate flowers!”

BEN

What woman hates flowers?

FRANK

Mag.

END of ACT 1, SCENE 2

Same bar as scene 2. More modern. Same bartender, BEN. REZ and HAWK sit at the bar.

REZ

Dude, I'm getting fat. I don't know how you Hollywood fancy people stay so...not fat. Look at this bulge. I never used to have this gut. I was on the hockey team in high school. Back then I could drink a case of beer a day with no repercussions. Now I'm bloated.

HAWK

I'm not a Hollywood person.

REZ

Where do you live again?

HAWK

Hollywood.

REZ

Canadians live in Canada, Japaneses live in Japan. Hollywood people live in Hollywood.

HAWK

That doesn't make me a Hollywood person.

BEN

You boys from Hollywood?

REZ

Not me, sir. I didn't get to ride my talents like a '92 Saab straight to Los Angeles like my friend here.

HAWK

Leave that car out of this. That car was my baby.

REZ

Shut up about your car. Tell this fine man what life is like in the golden utopia that is California.

HAWK

It's not really that-

REZ

-Golden. Utopia.

BEN

Golden utopia? Tell me more.

HAWK

So I went to California. So what? I wanted to do something, so I did it. Why's that so bad?

REZ

Who said it was bad? I just like hearing your stories.

HAWK

Is that all you want? Just stories?

REZ

Of course.

BEN

I love stories. That's how I got into this business, to hear all the peoples' stories. I ain't the best at tellin' 'em, but I sure am good at hearin' 'em.

REZ

Right, whatever.

HAWK

But you already know all of my stories.

REZ

Tell me the story of why I'm so fat and you're not.

HAWK

You eat more than me?

REZ

There's more to it than that. Don't forget to factor in location. Triangulate all the health foods stores, gyms, enema parlors, whetever, around your little hovel. Now look around here. Bar. Bar. Bar. Fast food. Bar. There's a reason my dad died of heart failure.

HAWK

What do you want me to say? That you're fat because there's no possible way you wouldn't be fat?

REZ

You wanna know what I heard once? I was told the best way to determine if one is destined to be fat is to do this. First, fill your bath tub half full with cherry Jello. It's important that you get it exactly half, so measure if you have to. It's also important to use the cherry variety, as the viscosity of that particular flavor is paramount for this procedure. Second, let it sit for 24 hours, in order to get nice and coagulated. Third, carefully sink into the Jello several Nilla wafers, precisely 3 inches apart, in a starfish pattern. Fourth, strip completely naked. Fifth, sit on the toilet and think about what you just did.
And if by now you've already eaten most of the Jello and wafers, then yes, you are fat.

HAWK

Did you do it?

REZ

I got to the second step before I busted out the spoon.

HAWK

So it's fat serendipity?

REZ

Basically. Even if I did go with you to LA I'd still end up fat.

HAWK

I wish you did come.

REZ

Why?

HAWK

Nevermind.

REZ

Why? Guilt?

HAWK

Something like that.

END OF ACT 1, SCENE 3

HAWK center stage. No stage adornments.

HAWK

This truest love, triumphantly is a bird of prey, marauding 'twain these grayest skies and tenured gain. Dine with blessed distinction, feathered queen! And any mice caught in between..for does my love in summer's rain prey on the solace of my nightly dreams. (Pause) Do gauge my love as span of wings, the distance 'tween each finger. Her wings are spread and through the sky she soars in arcs and swirls. Each and every blissless night, she passes coyly o'erhead, the curtain in my blood unfurls, and this presence ever lingers. (Pause) Perched aloof and tauntingly in a bending oak she says: "These stars that hover above the sky I disbelieve; their palaver, quaint and lasting, I disbelieve. They grip and guide my flutters as an ever-tightn'ng yoke." Each hand I place o'er the other, 'til each branch is a rung, ladder to the moon. (Pause) Said: "And coldly does this horrib' moon smile, she laughs 'til my tail is the dust. Each stroke of hours and minutes speak to me; this cunning moon pours in our hearts this lust. How could these shambles any trust?" This sky, though blacken'd, cannot rend apart what's happened, and all it sees with terrible eyes can prevent not this love fore'er mend. (Pause) She glode politely out o' reach, to soar delightly by me. Said: "I see the jilted morning glory bowing to the moon. Each stalk twines traitoriously, a capsulating swoon. Each fruit it bears bequeathes 'nto me callous forms of elliptic bracts, eats as nothing more than flax.” (Pause, resuming with a crescendo) For every morning glory's betray'l I'll harvest ten thousand Orchids from the meadow's fringe, plucked from the margins of the bog.This love is not a passing arc that follows does that jealous moon. I'll trek the acid, foy an' dinge,
and, if those mice do not erstwhile dine on this orchid's seeds, that which lays dormant, 'neath the leaves, will send up freshly blooming stalks.

DIRECTOR

No.

HAWK

No what?

DIRECTOR

No. That's not what I'm looking for at all. What is the matter with you?

HAWK

I'm acting. That's what's wrong with me.

DIRECTOR

That's not acting. That's emoting. Stop emoting. I don't care about your emotions.

HAWK

You're confusing me.

DIRECTOR

Of course I am. Get off my stage before I get upset.

HAWK

But-

DIRECTOR

Get.

END of ACT 1, SCENE 4

SCENE 5

FRANK sits at the bar with BEN.

FRANK

I ain't aiming to grow old, Benny. I just ain't cut from that kind of cloth.

BEN

I know it Frank. I go sometimes to the tracks and think what life brings a man to the tracks? I ain't cut from no cloth either. Maybe burlap. Maybe.

FRANK

Maybe Benny. But listen. I used to be a no good man once. Just no good. I ain't ever did any good for anybody.

BEN

But you're a good man, Frank. I can see it in your eyes. I see a lot of eyes in this job, and you got good ones. Good eyes with a good soul underneath 'em.

FRANK

I ain't always like that.

BEN

What did you do?

FRANK

I just got done searchin' for the bottom of Jamison's, maybe fifteen, sixteen years ago. Before Francis was born. I was hung over like nobody'd believe, something hot and cold at the same time, a trembling, underneath the skin, just sour. So's I go to this diner, maybe 5AM, 'cuz I can't sleep worth a damn if I been drinkin'. I was sitting alone. I'm lookin' at the waitress, thinkin', “Don’t judge me. I prefer being alone. No one to bother me with silly problems. 'My boyfriend doesn’t like me!' Maybe it’s because you whine too much!” All I hear in my heard is “Blah blah blah!” Back in my day, I'm thinkin', you keep your problems to yourself like a man and deal with it!

BEN

That's what my daddy always said to me. Just deal with it. Be a man. Be a man. I'm not even sure anymore if I could ever been a man, not the way he wanted.

FRANK

So I's sitting alone when I got a chill. I was the only customer in the diner at that time, because I came in one minute after they opened. That waitress hates me. I knew it the second she set those dark, pointy eyes at me. And she treats me rudely, right? So I ain't plannin' to tip. But they can’t do anything about it because the customer is always right, right? I’m the customer! I’m the boss! They’ll wait on me because it’s their Goddamned (crosses his chest) job. Right? Least that's what I'm thinkin' then. Like I said, I ain't always been a good man, Benny.

BEN

Bein' sour from a night of Irish history ain't somethin' that makes you a bad man, Frank. Just another day, maybe a little worse than the one before, but it ain't a testament.

FRANK

Focus. You're bein' a miserable old trout again, Benny. Listen to the story without martyrin' yourself.

BEN

Sorry, Frank.

FRANK

So I get a chill. I flagged down the waitress by coughin' loud every time she slithered by. Now, I'm thinkin', “She’s an insufferable little harlot,” right? A gal that makes her daddy wish he had a son. She's named Pamela. She had a touch of devil inside her, that one. No more than eighteen and an unwed mother. So's I eavesdrop on their conversations. They talk about her baby, she calls it Summer. Now, and this is still how I see it...Really? Summer? What happened to real names, like Martha or Jane? Or Rita? Like Rita Heyworth? I was sour then, but I still love a gal with a good solid name on her nametag. But these waitresses, they also talk about me. They call me a drunk b*****d.

BEN

I've seen my share a drunk b******s, Frank. You never been one that I'd call.

FRANK

I wasn’t always a drunk b*****d. But if they want a drunk b*****d, I’ll give ‘em one.

BEN

Ain't no good ever comes a drunks knowin' they're drunk.

FRANK

So I tell Pam to tell the manager to turn up the heat. She scoffs. So I scoff back, louder. Soon we're locked, eyes locked, scoffing louder and louder. Another waitress meanders by, clearly not workin'. I scoff again, and slam my hand onto the green-flecked tabletop. SCOFF. (Imitates the action on the bar. BEN flinches.)

BEN

Keep it down, Frank. You'll scare off the bridge-and-tunnel folk.

FRANK

Sorry, Benny. You know how I get into stories.

BEN

Yeah. Go on.

FRANK

Silence. I win. You can never beat a drunk in anything that involves patience. When I'm drinkin', I have more patience than I know what to do with. I have nothing but time. I'm just waiting to die. (Pause) Pam stares, and I stare back. The heat, I tell her. Turn it up. She spins on her heel like some sort of harlot ballerina, whisperin' under her breath. The other waitress nods and whispers back. Within minutes I hear a fan grumble to life. I smile. I'm the boss.

BEN

You are the boss, Frank.

FRANK

I'm used to getting things my way. Everything is my way. A woman belongs in the kitchen. It's in the Bible. We're evil, all of us, but women doubly so. This is how I thought back then, Benny. This is the no good I had in my mind then. Just nothin' but bad blood, bad upbringin'.

BEN

Bad families sharin' bad ideas to bad children.

FRANK

Speakin' a children, I hear a cry. An infant. Pam's b*****d child, somewhere in the back of the diner. Probably screaming for her drug-riddled milk, I thought. The cry gets louder. I see Pam, with her child. She props the highseat up against the table beside me. The little larva stops crying and stares. Pam leaves. I'm thinkin', “I don't know what she's up to, but I will not under any circumstances adopt her garbage baby.”

BEN

Come on Frank. That's a little harsh to say it's a garbage baby.

FRANK

That's what I'm sayin' Ben! I was rotten to the core. I've changed a lot since then. Gained perspective. So this baby. It just watches me. Its doughy, fragile cheeks puffed out like an over-filled beach ball. Its eyes, blue like the kitchen linoleum I threw up on the night before this, just boring holes in me. So's I flip it da bird, and it giggles. Pam returns. She asks me, "Did you just flip off my baby?" I say, "So what if I did? It's staring at me. That's rude." So she says, "SHE is a baby, you drunk b*****d. That's what they do. You were a baby once too, remember? Or was that too long ago?"

BEN

It's been a long time for me too, Frank.

FRANK

It was too long ago. Even longer now. All I knew then is empty bottles and disability pay. My hair started to grey, then just started fallin' out like it didn't want anything to do with where my head was at. My eyes were clouded, my fingernails were yellowed, my teeth were hollowed out. But, I knew then and I still know now, I'm pretty sure I was never a rude little baby.

BEN

No way. Our daddies woulda smacked us sideways for being a rude little baby.

FRANK

So's I ask her "Were you watching me?” and she answers "Of course I was watching you. You don't think I'd leave my daughter alone in a room with you? I was just curious to see if a little innocent baby might get you to show a little humanity.” Then I say, "Maybe a little service around here will get me to show humanity. My coffee's cold and instead of gettin' me a refill you plant babies around me.” She just sighs and says, "You're hopeless." And I got mad, 'cuz I hate pity from anybody. So I tell her "So is that baby, with a mother like you."

BEN

That ain't nice, Frank.

FRANK

Pam scoops up her baby like a backhoe and leaves. I close my eyes and all I can see is that baby, staring at me. It didn't care about anything. Not bills, dead family members, being someone other people, people you love, are ashamed of. It's just, she's just gettin' started. And at that point, I felt like I was just wrapping it all up. I dig into my wallet. The bill's 3 dollars. I leave 5.

BEN

You never tip me 2 dollars.

END of ACT 1, SCENE 5