She

I knew I was before I even got pregnant.
I had already made up my mind.

I knew she was not meant for me, she was just finding her way to her mom.

I think God knew I would make the right decision for her. I went back and forth, even picking out a name for her, but then her life flashed before my eyes.

I knew I would ruin them both if I kept her. I made the call an my doctor asked if I was serious because he knew the perfect person. There had been another but she did not click and it felt wrong. I called the infertility clinic and told them. "I know exactly who to call." the nurse sounded excited. "But you have to be serious because she will call you as soon as  give her your number." I replied, "I am very serious." We ended the call and not 5 minutes passed and her mom called me... She kicked as soon as her voice sounded through the phone. I knew. She was the one. my oldest and I met them for lunch and her husband was so protective. "Why are you doing this?" "Are you going to back out?" I was nervous and afraid but I explained how serious I was and why. They loved my oldest. Time passed and another Dr appt. "Is there any way to move this along?" Her mom asked so ready to meet her daughter. A daughter she had been waiting for, for so long. The dr helped it along and the next morning it happened. We rushed around I called her mom and we went to the hospital. My water gushed everywhere. We make it up to a room and the process speeds along too quickly for me. I push and they rush her from the room and I try to see her. I tried getting out of bed, ready to go. I didnt want to feel what was coming. I couldnt leave yet, I had to stay there. 5 a.m. rolls around and I wake up to a text. "Would you like to meet her?" I did and it lasted a few short moments. I unwrapped her and  gawked. My friend took a picture, but I didnt keep it. I send her back and cry til I nod off again. Later that morning waiting to get released I walked to their room and there she was, tiny wrapped in tattoo covered arms. Her dads mom hugs me and it is a hug full of understanding and love. She shares her similar story only without choice and she thanks me. Finally we leave and I just want to sleep it all away.. Court rolls around and I am alone, bawling in the court room. "Why are you crying?" the judge asked. "Because it hurts" I respond. I didnt feel regret or anger just sadness. I get to pick her up with them... So sweet in her outfit and they drop me off at home. Things start to fall back into place.