Over

My roommate enjoys writing poems about a break up. After hearing these every day I decided to do the same. So welcome to the first poem I've ever written:

So many things to say inside
But how, he didn't know.
Thoughts festered in his mind
Just under the surface, just below.

Every time, he hated to think
That again he'd put her through Hell.
So instead he used pen and ink
To release what he needed to tell.

An epic struggle raged in his mind
Between two paths, mutually exclusive.
One led to a girl being left behind.
The other to a love, fictive.

Would you live tied to a false love?
Or try to find that four leaf clover,
finally find who you've dreamed of?
I'm sorry baby, but we're over.

Author's Note

Ignore the complete lack of rhythm. I know that's one negative point; I can deal with that. Does this get the message across like it should? And again, remember this is my first poem.

Reviews

[A]

Well it's impressive for a first poem, I remember when I wrote my first and then improved my style i edited and modified it into a better piece, but this is really good I truly enjoyed it, I loved the last part it's very well written, keep it up.

[Emily?]

For your first poem, this is pretty outstanding. The verse that hit me the most was the last one. I felt a strong connection. I think you're a great writer. Keep up the good work!(:

[David W Moore III]

very good first piece. trust me, my first attempt was not a keeper!

[Emotionally Blank yet F..]

This is really good for a first poem. I like it. And when you say lack of rhythm, if you are referring to rhyming then know that some of the greatest poems don't rhyme. I hate rhyming hence the lack of it in almost all of my poems. If you are referring to the actual rhythm itself, i thought it went together great. Either way the poem is great :)

[Lilly]

I thought this was a really good poem - hard to believe its your very first!
The last stanza was my favourite and I like the rhyme you have used. Great work with this.

[riddlekiller]

This is good, I especially love this line, "I'm sorry baby, but we're over."

[Angel Bird]

Would you live tied to a false love?
Or try to find that four leaf clover,
finally find who you've dreamed of?
I'm sorry baby, but we're over.


This is a wonderful write with an intênse content, and it certainly gets your message through, but just never tell a girl such like this - it would hurt her beyond measure.
Otherwise very well done.

[Closedown]

It's not bad! Especially for a first ever poem! (Mine was about a turtle named Joe, I'll look it out for you...)