Prologue: One More Sin

Running for his life, he believes that his time to die has finally come...until he notices something in the sky, and the situation changes

            He crashed through the woods, stumbling over fallen branches as he desperately tried to outrun his pursuers.

            "Faster!" A voice called out in the darkness, "He's getting away!"

            "I see him!" Another cried out from the black of night surrounding the young man.

            The youth was out of breath and pained by the gash in his leg from the fence he had caught himself on earlier, but he would not stop.  He could not stop.  As long as anyone knew who he was...what he was, he could never stop.  The young man thought to himself that there must have been a time life wasn't like this.  There had to have been a time in his life he wasn't hunted down like a dog simply for being alive. 

            His legs burned, but he would not let them slow.  Slowing meant death.  The sounds of pursuit became louder and louder.  He tried to make his legs move faster, but to no avail.  He knew the chase wouldn’t last much longer.  A dead branch tangled his feet and sent him tumbling.  No! No! This can’t end here! He screamed inside his own head.  Throwing himself to his feet, he prepared to run again, but a loud crashing through the brush directly behind him made him stop.  He turned.  Two men stood in front of him now: his pursuers.  They had caught him.  There was no more running for him. 

The young man looked to the night sky, praying for some miracle.  All he saw were the gray clouds against a backdrop of black.  Tears welling up in his eyes, he knew that he deserved this.  The terrible things he had done were more than enough to warrant the execution these two men were about to carry out.  The clouds drifted across the sky, revealing the full moon, a great light against the black of the night. 

Snapping his head down to look at his pursuers, the young man knew what would happen next.  Death was going to rain down on this place.  He knew this, yet he wasn’t afraid.  The affects the moon had on his body were already starting.  The changes taking hold of him.  He knew death was coming, but it wouldn’t be his death.  The two men in front of him should never have followed him on the night of a full moon.  Tomorrow he would mourn their deaths and pray forgiveness of yet another sin committed.  Tonight…tonight he would survive.

Reviews

[Kira]

First off, I'm a little wary of the way this is going because I've seen a lot of second-rate werewolf stories. But this doesn't sound like the 'werewolf going to high school' type, so you get brownie points for that. I also like the main character's voice, riddled with things like "Death was going to rain down on this place." Most certainly checking out the next chapter.

[Cara Rosalie]

Hi Trevor,

This is a fabulous first chapter! You have thrown me right into an action scene and immediately I am rooting for this stranger. As it concludes, I realize I never needed to fear for him... but for his pursuers. That twist definitely leads me anticipating and expectant for the next chapter.

Grammatical suggestions:

"The youth was out of breath and pained by the gash in his leg from the fence he had caught himself on earlier, but he would not stop."
Grammatically, this isn't a run-on sentence, however, it feels a little lengthy. Maybe try...

"The youth was out of breath, pained by the gash in his leg from the fence he caught himself on earlier. He would not stop." It is only a suggestion, but I think by taking out a couple of words and implementing a few pauses, it gives the sentence a fluidity.

A friend of mine on here, recently gave me a valuable piece of advice. I know he would offer it to you as well. The idea is to remove all unnecessary "had" and "that' (s) from your writing. Simple, but effective. I couldn't believe how reliant I was on these cushion words. I tinkered with a couple of your sentences to give you an idea.

"The young man thought to himself that there must have been a time life wasn't like this. There had to have been a time in his life he wasn't hunted down like a dog simply for being alive."

Revision "The young man thought to himself, there must have been a time life wasn't like this. A time in his life when he wasn't hunted down like a dog, simply for being alive."
It's only a suggestion. I wouldn't want to alter your writing style or take the distinct voice from your character. For me, eliminating and removing the extra, leaves my writing pithy and vibrant.

I enjoyed your this immensely. The language is straightforward and easy to follow. The short introduction leashed me. I am compelled to continue and find out what happens to this culpable man, atoning for the disdainful deeds done involuntarily. As long as the dialogue is clever, the plot is focused and the ending isn't predictable, I never tire of a great werewolf story!

I look forward to reading more and hope you will take a look at my young adult novel when you have a chance :)

Cara

[kmcelroy]

I like the prologue. It gives just enough information to make the reader want to keep going. Other than Twilight, I haven’t read a novel focusing on werewolves alone; I look forward to the direction this book is going.

Grammar/Mechanics
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I don’t know how you feel about adverbs (words ending in –ly) but often I find if I reword the sentence, adjusting the verbiage the sentence reads stronger without the helper. Example: He crashed through the woods, stumbling over fallen branches, desperate to outrun his pursuers. Some (editors, publishers, other authors) say adverbs are a big no-no, that stronger verbs should be used instead of helpers. Personally, I think they are fine when used in moderation.

“There had to have been a time in his life he wasn't hunted down like a dog simply for being alive.” – wasn’t hunted is passive voice, change to active.

“He tried to make his legs move faster, but to no avail.” - “but to no avail” is a cliché, and I found as I read it distracted me more than added to your writing. I don’t know about you but I don’t want my readers stopping and going “hah! I’ve heard that one before in that one movie.” Again preference, but I figured if it made me stop then it would make others do the same.

[Greg Close]

You've got the makings of a good intro chapter here. There's a sense of urgency in the tone which builds some suspense and interest. I think it needs some polish to let the story and especially the protagonist's character really shine through. A quick example of "polish" would be to take a sentence like "The affects the moon had on his body were already starting" and re-phrase to emphasize the action and describe the affect, rather than come at it as a declarative - what affects were starting? Bristling hair bursting through his skin, bones breaking, crackling and reforming, etc.? You don't have to elaborate on all the details, but you'll get a bit more drama and a nice healthy "kick" coming out of the chapter with your great "tonight he would survive" tag line with a taste of specifics.

[Pauline Ramsey]

For such a short chapter, you did an extremely superb job drawing the reader into the story without making it sound too hokey or stilted. I think that you have quite a bit of potential and I think that this will be added to my library so that I can continue reading it. :)

note to self: never chase anyone down on a full moon.

now i'll have to add you so i can follow this tail.. err.. tale..

[loowzerX]

I agree, an excellent read for such a short story. well done. keep it up!

[Scott Christian]

Despite being quite short, this was an excellent read. If I may add in a critique, it felt like you weren't letting your character "talk", and basically holding my hand through this chapter. Try letting your characters do more showing of what's going on, rather than drawing out everything they're doing. Maybe intersperse more inner monologues for some of the weaker exposition sections.

[Shin]

O_O A werewolf is what I can guess, or probably obvious due to the full moon, but trust me, it was awesome, it really had me going, I thought he was being pursued for other kinds of crimes, but now I can just imagine.