Dude Where's my sock?

This website doesn't seem to have satire as a genre.

Based on a conversation in my carpool

 

            Throughout the centuries, there have been many unexplained disappearances: single socks, cell phones, memories, homework assignments, and even weapons of mass destruction. Students “forget” that the homework was due that day, cell phones get lost, and only one sock returns from the dryer.  In March 2003, the U.S invaded Iraq on the grounds that the Iraqis were producing weapons of mass destruction. However, when the U.S. attained full control of the country there were no weapons to be found. All these disappearances are not actually our fault. All the students accused of laziness, all the children blamed for losing things and the political parties blamed for faking the presence of weapons of mass destruction, were all innocent. Recent evidence has led me to believe that the chief masterminds behind all these disappearances are gnomes.

            Now some of you may ask “what is a gnome?” Well, a gnome is a small creature about four to five inches tall, with small weapons similar to toothpicks and small flying dugongs as steeds. The average gnome weighs about half a pound and speaks in a series of unintelligible squeaks that have yet to be translated. A colleague of mine had the good fortune to be in his house when the gnomes were stealing his wife’s anniversary gift, which he had especially picked out, and he was able to follow them back to their lair. Once there he was able to observe the gnomes in their native habitat and discovered several things: one, they love to collect stuff; two, the reason they collect stuff is to use that stuff as offerings to their god Dugong; three, they will collect anything; and four, they want to add earth to their collection.

            Through vast research, we have found that gnomes are also collectors of memories. They have small plugs that connect to a socket in the ear. Gnomes seem to be avid collectors of memories pertaining to homework, names of historical figures, anniversaries, where your keys are and important dates. Little is known about the way gnomes use these memories, but we believe that it may have something to do with their plans of world domination. Forgetting is the key to global conflict, for example we believe that by making husbands forget important dates that the gnomes are trying to start a war between husbands and wives.

            Now on to the important subject of the socks. Why does only one sock come out of the dryer? There are two answers and both are very simple. The first one is that the gnomes need something to sleep in, and what better than socks? They are the right size, shape and can even serve as blankets for the dugongs. The second reason is even more sinister. While only loosing one sock may not seem like a big deal, what happens when you no longer have a matching pair? You would have to wear mismatched socks. As you can imagine, this would lead to a disaster among the prep population: the material bullies would have on their victims, the chaos! A wise colleague once said, “Boys go at it with fists, but girls tease each other until they get eating disorders.” So all the preps would have to be hospitalized with malnutrition while the nerds took over the school with semi-automatics because they were tired of the mockery.

            Now on to the weapons of mass destruction. When it was discovered that there were no such weapons in Iraq, the press made a mockery of the Bush party. Well it wasn’t actually their fault. We have detailed evidence that the weapons were actually there. However, the gnomes just stole them to complete their plans for world domination. They would strike when we were at our weakest. Those dastardly gnomes flew in on their flying dugongs and transported the weapons to unknown locations when the U.S wasn’t looking. One could also suppose that the gnomes just planted the weapons there in the first place, to trick the U.S into attacking Iraq. This is most likely the case, as it would cause more chaos, which the gnomes love.

            In short, none of these disappearances are our fault. It couldn’t be that we were too lazy to do our homework, or that the husband forgot it was their anniversary, or that there were never any weapons of mass destruction in the first place. All along we have been the victims of a dastardly plot to rule the world. So all you teachers, political activists, wives, and parents, let up .It isn’t our fault, it was the gnomes all along.

 

With Special Thanks To:

Heather Arthur

Clay Goodner

Nick Johnson

Reviews

[Legion]

That explains much. So much. Now where did I put my bullets. :)

Oh, I think the satire choice is connected to the humor one. I'd have to go and check but it should be "humor & satire" in the column.

Hum r us write. S funny f r sure.

Damn, n w they st le all the " "s.

[unspokenguilt]

Damn gnomes and here I was blaming the elves! hehe

[Elizabeth]

LMFAO! Gnomes? You don't say! This is hilarious... well done.