Birth of Forsaken

The birth of Forsaken

Reviews

[Jordan]

I have a feeling this was one of the posts lost in the Great Cataclysm. Yes?

[Terry Scheerer]

This is a well written beginning--very nice work. You do seem to have some slight problems with the grammar and punctuation, but these are easily corrected.

For one thing, when you have dialog which is connected to the sentence that follows, you should end the dialog with a comma rather than a period. You have done this quite frequently in this chapter, but again it is easily fixed. An example of this problem is the first sentence. It should read, "They say focus on a happy thought," Victor said to no one... with a comma after 'thought' rather than a period.

Again in the 5th paragraph, "Aren't you a sight for sore eye," he said... should have a comma following 'eye' rather than a period and a lower case 'h' for he, since he said it right then. By the way, that line might read better if you either made it '...a sight for sore eyes' with an 's' after eye, or '...a sight for a sore eye.'

But you can see where I'm going with the dialog commas vs. periods. I hope this helps you edit your story, because it otherwise reads very well. Again, nice work. Thanks for the read.

Terry