Soul on Fire

Past emotions I'm just now able to put on paper.

I cannot recall how I got in the bed or better yet whose bed am in. Before I begin to rack my brain, I feel miserably warm and stuffy. I flip the covers off me to expose my body to the ceiling-fan but by the time I do so I’m even warmer. I’m drenched in sweat, so much so that bed is completely soaked. I’m puzzled but I allow my confusion to stay. Each second I take time to think, the heat is quickly increasing. I reach for the ice water on the nightstand and as soon as I grab the glass, the ice cubes instantly melt away. Before I could even blink the water turns from ice cold to steaming hot. I look at the palm of my hand, which is incandescently bright and hot red along with the rest of my body. The heat feels like an attack on my skin from the inside out, I feel paralyzed.            

I attempt to maintain a strong grip of the glass. But before I realize it, the water begins to brutally boil and a second later the glass shatters leaving my hand holding the remaining pieces. The boiling water that hits my skin actually gives a quick cooling sensation but does not last for long.  I allow the pieces of glass in my palm to fall to floor as I helplessly stare at deep cuts of acute glass. Remaining small pieces are left behind and stick to my skin. I don’t feel any pain in my hand just the unbearable heat that is an increasingly excruciating burn throughout my body.

I can no longer contain the heat. I want out. I want cool. I want back. I lash out screaming while still laying there in the most extreme pain. I squint my eyes tight and continue to scream in acute anguish.  The pain of the heat feels like my skin being peeled off but instead my body ignites in flames. From head to toe burning flames steam from my skin. I try to fight the flames with small movements back and forth and side to side but the flames dominate every movement I make.  Right when I think that my flesh is almost completely burned, the flames subside instantly.

I no longer feel physical pain but my heart seems like it is reenacting my thoughts. I raise my head from the pillow and see my body still intact, no cuts, burns or bruises. The glass of water sits untouched and ice cold on the nightstand. No sign of conflagration within the room.

I look to my right and he is sound asleep. I climb out, grab my things, leave, and never return. 

Author's Note

Does this make sense?

Reviews

[Pharaoh]

It's not....bad, but I do think you could do a lot to make it sound better. Missed many, many commas in there, it made my grammar senses tingle :P

The tense sort of throws off the idea of the story, it's present, but it's written as if someone was remembering it, really patchy, vivid details, things like that. (hope that makes sense, not sure how else to explain it)

There's a lot of repeated things in it, so much so that I get a little lost in it. The beginning is written with longer, disconnected sentences, but the end is so short and jumpy, it doesn't seem like the same person anymore. I understand the panic you were going for, but the shift was too sudden, too intense.

It's very interesting though. Hope that helped.

[TAO]

Listen, I usually don't critique anybody's...form... I'll have to lay my instincts on the shelf for the moment. Before I begin...forgive me. I am not a professional, and I don't really know anything about writing...but I read...alot...

Let me admit that I really liked this.

I will also admit that there were some things that I didn't like...

First... I think you mentioned 'glass' way too much.
Second, it times, I found the descriptions to be a bit...trite... Example: " I allow the pieces of glass in my palm to fall to floor as I helplessly stare at deep cuts of acute glass." Truth is, this was a bit on the boring side.

Third, at times, I felt the flow was a tad bit…choppy… While I am a fan of broken rhythm, it doesn’t seem to be the best thing for writing, unless it’s intentional (there is a poem on the site I’m trying to remember, but I cannot seem to recall it – needless to say, I don’t have an example of what I’m talking about).

That’s all for what I didn’t like.

What did I like, then?

Well, this was a very great idea, for starters.

Next, I have to agree with onyx… While I didn’t like them all, most of the descriptions were very vivid. Do you know that you inspired me to feel heat, all while my air conditioner was running?

I didn’t have any idea where this story was going, at first. I thought that it was going to be something about contracting H1N1, but I was sorely mistaken, which I liked. I was surprised at the end. Perhaps I’m a little slow – I could be… I was surprised, though. I honestly didn’t see it coming. While we were left hanging, some, I can only assume that the reason for your leaving was that you were not to be there in the first place… It was not somewhere the character ends up willingly?

As far as how I usually review, based solely on feeling… This one did capture me. In fact, because of what I’m thinking was the case, I’m feeling a bit…enraged…to say the least. You, Ms., invoked this feeling, and I give you kudos for that. I really enjoy writers that can pull that off with me.

So, overall, what do I think (if you care any)? Good job. Really good job. Could it use some work? A little, here and there, but overall, very good.

Forgive me again; just one piece of advice – everything that I critiqued you on, just forget I ever said it. ‘Empty the Cup’, as Bruce Lee put it. One thing I don’t believe in is changing something based on what somebody else thinks about it (if you read my work, and notice anything somebody said I should change, you may also note that I ultimately decided not to…unless it was a spelling error…I’m stickler for my own spelling). If you like it the way it is, do not let mine, or anybody else’s, words make you change. However, if you find the criticism constructive, and find merit in the words, then do as you will. Either way, I think you have very great potential, and I’m willing to bet you’ll be on my list of favorite authors in short order (not that I’m anyone special or anything…sooooo…yeah).

[Onyx_Rayne]

Sometimes, when we are in a situation that we shouldn't be, our
subconscious , sort of, takes over and sends us a message... such
as a dream. This sounds like, maybe you shouldn't have been where you were.
Your mind was telling you that staying was only going to bring you pain - this
was not your safe place. Not only were you risking bodily harm but possibly mental
or emotional harm.

Very creative write... the imagery is amazing..I could feel the heat as I read.

Also, there is a stern, subtle warning in all of this : be careful ...and full of care
with whom and where you wake up.

Loved it... Excellent work :)

[Dream Weaver]

It seems to me as if you were in a dream like state and
that dream was sending you a message that if you stayed
in your current situation you would be burned, but not by
fire but by a relationship or the person you were laying
next to. Overall a very surreal piece...well done..

[Art Sun]

Emotions are like a wild fire...when they consume you they become the pain of a rippling effect...if you dwell on it the pain can become the whole of everything wrong within life itself...the reality is, that fire or emotional pain comes from a source, you only have to realize what that source is...

interestingly written piece...